


Infinity

by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Pining, Baker Even, Evak Endgame, Eventual Happy Ending, Fake marriage that might not be so fake, Fluff and Smut, Gay romance writer Isak, Guns, M/M, Mentions of Heroin addiction, Parenthood, Story within a Story, Undercover Missions, aka gay sex. lots of it., graphic descriptions of sexual situations, police work, special agents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-01-06 08:02:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 53,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12207138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaSoames/pseuds/MermaidsandMermen
Summary: Even Bech Naesheim is finally at the stage of his life where he is OK. Where he has contentedly survived his 30th birthday, and to be honest, given a chance he probably wouldn't change a thing. Except that he has this thing for the guy who shops down at the co-op. The one who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. The one that makes Even have dirty thoughts at night when he should be falling asleep and not daydreaming about tall men with golden curls and lips so kissable that it makes Even's head go a little fuzzy.Isak Valtersen's life is pretty awesome. He is an award winning author of filthy gay porn, his friends surprisingly still like him enough to stick around, and his mate Magnus has the the dirtiest mind in Norway, which kind of comes in handy when you get stuck with with an erotic plot going nowhere.He spends his days doing what he does best. Watching TV, eating disgusting microwave meals meals and wanking in front of Porn-hub. Oh yes, and he writes stories about the man he should have been. The man who is brave and fearless and who is all of those things that Isak is not. Because it's not like Isak Valtersen has game anymore.





	1. The man who played with words

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this new little venture, which is the most ridiculously ambitious messy idea I have ever come up with. I am planning on a slow burn, but you never know. I tend to move fast when I should go slow, and I am notoriously bad at following my original story lines. I apologize now. It will all end well, promise. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and please feel free to prompt me with what you would like to happen. I am always happy to try to write what you want to read. 
> 
> Feed back and comments is massively appreciated, good, bad or ugly. I am rubbish at replying to your messages but I read everything and am grateful for you taking the time to read my ramblings.
> 
> Be nice, be kind. Always. Tweet me @sophiasoames

ISAK added MAGNUS and EVA to the group ISAK’s AWESOME PROOFREADERS BOOK 5.

MAGNUS changed the group name to ISAK WRITES GAY PORN AGAIN

ISAK changed the group name to MAGNUS NEEDS DICK

MAGNUS changed the group name to THE SHIT WE READ FOR ISAK

EVA left the group chat

MAGNUS Added EVA to the group chat

EVA: Just kidding. I live for this shit. What have you got for us Issy baby.

EVA: Please tell me that ‘’Evie’’ is still alive and that she actually went to rehab?

ISAK: Not telling you anything! Are you ready for round five?

MAGNUS: Who are you writing as this time? I am dying to help you out with another kinky book.

ISAK: I refuse to do another Pony Play book. That shit was filthy AF. Messed with my head.

MAGNUS: It was messed up. Agree. I have blocked that site we used for research.

ISAK: Still playing around with another kink series. Will see what happens after this one.

MAGNUS: I still like your idea for that kidnap bondage story.

ISAK: That was your kidnap bondage story. I had nothing to do with that idea.

MAGNUS: Whatever. That prompt still has legs. You should write it.

ISAK: You are the kinkiest motherfucker I know Mags. Don’t deny it.

MAGNUS: I got my royalty check today. The wife had a fit. I love getting mail addressed to BIGDICKPublishing.

ISAK: Remember, you chose the name. I did warn you.

MAGNUS: Who would have thought I would be a plain-as-fuck Math’s teacher who publishes filthy porn on the side. I love it. I love you. I love all this shit.

EVA: Not as much as I love it. I’m the social worker in Bergen with a husband who is training as a bloody Vicar, who never realized how much she enjoys gay romance until her gorgeous best friend found out he has a knack for writing porn. I fucking love it Isak.

EVA: I love you too Magnus but I don't think I will ever re-read ‘’The Stallion’’. It was just a bit much. Ugh.

MAGNUS: It is still topping the Taboo Gay Romance chart in Germany. Did you get the deal for having it translated into Polish Issy?

ISAK: Yup. It’s getting translated into Spanish too. Loads of kinky fuckers out there.

MAGNUS: Go on then. Hit us. Vilde is reading over my shoulder (waves).

ISAK:

_Crossbows and Cradles_

_Book 5 in the Axel Eirik Svard Series_

_By Isak Valtersen (writing as Valter Isaksen)_

_The phone call from Evie comes as no surprise. He has gotten used getting woken up to her hitched breaths down the line, her sobs and her sniffles. The non-words that he replies to like if she had actually said them out loud._

_‘’Evie, I’m here. What’s up babe?’’_

_She doesn’t reply. He can hear her blow her nose. Can picture her wiping her face on the sleeve of her jumper._

_‘’I’m here. It’s OK.’’_

_‘’It’s never OK.’’ She replies. Hiccups. Snorts loudly, then falls quiet again._

_It’s been years. Years of this. Yet Axel just can’t let go. Can’t do all the tough love and being a responsible friend and all that shit that the therapist has spoken about. Axel is shit at all that. Axel is Axel. He will never be able to remove the key that he has hidden behind the pipes outside the back entrance to the block of flats he calls home. He could never ever change his number knowing that this is all Evie has. He could never cut off that one life line, the one person that she knows would be there. It’s just not in him to let her go. However much he knows that that is the right thing to do._

_‘’She needs to hit rock bottom on her own Axel. Once she crashes and burns, that is the time when she will come and ask for help. That is when you can be there for her. Supporting her addiction by giving her money and a place to stay is just enabling her to keep up this illusion that addiction is a way of life. That this is all fine. ‘’_

_The therapist has been kind. Helpful. Given Axel more insight than he could ever have wanted. Yet he ignored every word she has ever spoken. Thrown aside every piece of advice. Replaced his iPad and whatever else Evie has stolen from him every time he comes home and finds another used cup on the side of sink. The note with a heart and a ‘’I’m sorry’’ scribbled in her neat handwriting, and all his valuables gone. Again._

_He has done it willingly, however wrong it has been. Because nobody should ever be alone in this world. And Evie is alone, as he is himself. They only have each other, however fucked up that is._

_‘’Where are you babe?’’ He asks, turning the bedside lamp on._

_‘’Nowhere’’ she replies, with a joyless laugh._

_‘’You know where I am.’’ He always tells her. And she always nods. He can hear the movement of her hair against the receiver. ‘’I do.’’ She whispers._

_They fall silent again. There is nothing to say, just the quiet comfort in Axel’s chest that she is still alive and coherent enough to speak to him. Some days he wants to pick her up and shake her. Slam her into the walls and scream at her for doing this to them. For ruining her life and her beauty and the prospects and all that could have been._

_She doesn’t care anymore. She doesn’t care about anything, except finding her next hit and maybe, maybe she cares that Axel is always there. To use and abuse. Maybe to find some comfort in._

_Not that they hug anymore. Not that she would let him anywhere near her. Not that it was ever like that anyway. There was never anything there apart from friendship. Clinging to each other in their times of need._

_Hanging on to life by a thread when they would spiral out of control. When Jonah gave up on them both and left to start over in Venezuela, finding his calling and peace. A good useful life without the girlfriend who would break his heart repeatedly. Without his best friend who couldn’t hold them together. Axel doesn’t blame him. Not at all._

_He buried Evie’s mother on a blustery afternoon in February. On his own. He had barely slept, roaming the streets looking in all the usual places. Calling her number over and over. He stood by Mrs Mohn’s casket in a borrowed ill-fitting suit, with a bunch of cheap flowers and his face twisted in shock, whilst the vicar spoke kind words that made no sense at all._

_Axel looked at him in disbelief, wanting to shout out abuse and hurl insults._

_‘’You haven’t got a clue, have you?’’ He wanted to grit out thorough his teeth. Instead he went home and drunk himself into oblivion. It was almost 6 months later until Evie rang him again. They never mentioned her mother._

_‘’I have something I need to give to you’’ She whispers._

_‘’You don’t owe me anything babe, you know that.’’_

_‘’I know.’’_

_The silence is comforting. They don’t need to speak. There would be nothing worth saying. He doesn’t need to know what she is up to. She doesn’t need to hear about his colleagues at work, and he can’t tell her what he is working on. She doesn’t ask about his Father who he dutifully speaks to every week. Or his Mother’s life. There is nothing new. Nothing to add._

_‘’I will come by later.’’_

_Whatever time that means. Evie has no body clock. No sense of time apart from when her body screams for the drugs she craves. That could mean in 5 minutes. Or next week._

_‘’That’s fine. Whenever you get here.’’_

_It doesn’t matter. He lives with this, with the uncertainty of time. Every day. Every hour, minute and second. He will never know how much time they have left. Maybe today. Maybe years._

_‘’I’m sorry Axel.’’ She says._

_‘’Big hug. Love you.’’ He sounds like a dork. He doesn’t care anymore._

_‘’Love you too’’ she replies._

_Then the line goes dead._

_There is no sign of her in the morning when he gets ready for work, following his usual routine._

_His laptop and watch comes out from under the sink, where he lifts the bottom of the cupboard out to expose the cavity where he currently hides stuff. He puts his iPad back inside and replaces the wood, making sure to smear some dirt around the plastic bin to hide any trace of movement. His gun is tucked safely into it’s holster under his arm. The knife strapped to his leg._

_His wallet and badge is inside the box of cornflakes. She always hated cornflakes, so he keeps a box handy, knowing she wouldn’t touch it. He also keeps a box of muesli that he would never eat. Just buys and replaces it when it goes out of date like some idiot. She likes muesli. When she eats._

_He has 750 kroner in his wallet which he leaves on the table, along with some toiletries and a toothbrush. She usually takes whatever he leaves for her, and he knows full well she probably sells it or trades it for a hit, and that he shouldn’t, but how can he not? How can he not at least wish for her to use his shower, wash her clothes and sleep on his sofa, just a few hours of peace where he could sit down for once and not worry about if she is still in this world or lying dead in a ditch somewhere._

_He takes a last glance around the flat, making sure that nothing tempting is on display. He keeps no alcohol in the flat anymore, throws away any medication he doesn’t use. He shakes the Tv on the wall to make sure it is still securely screwed on to its brackets. Loads the Coffee maker ready to just flick on when she arrives. If she arrives._

_He lifts the edge of the skirting board to reveal the small keypad, and sets the alarm and CCTV. Checks the signal on the app on his phone. Flicks through the screens to make sure everything is clear._

_He is kidding himself really. He will come back tonight and find nothing gone._

_It’s not like he will come home to find a friend in his kitchen, offering a hot drink after a long day at work, a reassuring smile and a ‘’how was your day?’’. That’s not who they are anymore. That is a life long gone._

_Axel shuts the door carefully behind him and leaves it barely closed. She can just pull the door open unless she leans on it first. In case she is so high that she doesn’t remember. Or if she can’t find the key. She usually does. He just worries. He always worries._

_He jogs down the road to the tram stop, pulls his hat over his head and sinks into the crowd._

 

 

EVA: You killed off Mrs Mohn!!! I’m an orphan!!! *wails*

MAGNUS: Fuck Issy. It’s a bit dark. You need to get Axel laid asap.

ISAK: Not until at least 30 % in. You know the rules Mags.

EVA: Is he still partnered with Magne? And is Magne still in a wheelchair after the heist?

ISAK: NOT ANSWERING. Wait and see. You are not being very good proof-readers. Any mistakes?

EVA: You are a freaking perfectionist. No mistakes. Just too short.

MAGNUS: SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT. Axel needs to get naked. And he fucking needs to bang Magne before all that pent up sexual tension explodes in his face.

ISAK: Fuck off Mags. Magne is straight.

MAGNUS: Nobody is straight in your books. Eva Shags girls and boys. Axel shags anything that moves. Magne is bi-curious. Trust me. He must be after all that Axel put’s him through.

EVA: Fuck getting Axel laid, we need to get Isak laid! Have you seen Supermarket-Man again?

ISAK: He was there yesterday. Bought Italian ravioli, and avocados.

EVA: What is with the avocados? Did you speak to him?

ISAK: No, just nodded. He nodded back. Had a green beanie on.

EVA: You need to speak to him. Ask about the avocados or something. You can’t keep this up any longer. You fancy him. Your gaydar is seriously broken if you don’t know if he’s interested by now.

ISAK: He is perfect. Beautiful. Sad looking. Always tired. Probably has the biggest cock the universe has ever seen. He’s mine.

MAGNUS: And he goes to the same supermarket as you at the same fucking time of day every day as you and you still haven’t said a single word to the bloke. I bet he has a crush on you too and you are both fucking wasting time when you could have been fucking for weeks.

ISAK: No. He is probably straight with a shit hot girlfriend and wouldn’t look at me even if I was the last human on earth.

EVA: You are 30 years old Isak. A very very successful author with a film coming out. Your book is being made into a mainstream movie. Your book about a bisexual undercover policeman and his unhinged best friend and his possibly bi curious partner, you are making history Isak. You should be out and proud.

MAGNUS: You need to set goals Isak. Supermarket-man is going to be your date for the premier of your movie. You have 7 months Isak. We shall make it happen.

EVA: High five Mags. It will happen.

ISAK: I hate you both. I really do. I produce this brilliant opening chapter and all you can think of is me getting laid with supermarket-man, whose name I will never find out.

MAGNUS: So melodramatic Isak.

ISAK. I know. I’m morphing into Axel. Just kill me now.

MAGNUS: BANG

ISAK: You missed. Locking myself back into my office. Have a hot date with Supermarket-Man at 6.15. I might buy one avocado myself today, just to piss him off.

MAGNUS: Fucking speak to him Isak.

EVA: I will come down and speak to him myself if you don’t Issy.

ISAK: Fuck off.

 

 

 

 

He finally leaves just after six, slamming the door to his flat shut behind him. He should be there by 6.15 which usually means he will catch him. His usual seat is free, and he slumps himself down and let’s his legs bounce up and down in anticipation. He has a good feeling about today. He hopes he will be there today.

The laughter is threatening to spill from his throat just thinking that going to the Co-op is the highlight of his day. That that is what his life has become. Walking up and down the aisles with his basket hoping to catch sight of an unruly mop of hair, hunched shoulders and lips so kissable it makes Isak feel a little dizzy just thinking about it.

He has already acknowledged to himself that he has a crush the size of a planet, OK? He knows. And it makes him smile. The man is just that, too handsome for his own good. He always looks tired, with his fringe flopping over his face. Always yawning as he wanders up and down the aisles with his basket.

Isak has already figured him out. He lives on his own, because he only shops for one, and for that night only. Just like Isak. Either a ready meal or something simple. He buys fresh tortellini, which Isak has started doing as well. It’s not bad if you don’t over-cook it, but that sauce the guy buys is rank. Bleurhgh.

 The man buys yoghurt. He seems to prefer blueberry, but on occasion Isak has spotted lemon flavours, and even Vanilla. Isak is all about strawberry yoghurt himself. Plain Natural with cornflakes. Soured Milk usually, but he is expanding his culinary horizon watching what the gorgeous man buys.

He walks through the sliding doors to the Co-op with a spring in his step. A small smile on his face. Hope in his chest as he grabs his basket from the stack by the door and sets off round the vegetable setup.

He mindlessly throws an apple in his basket as he passes the fruit, followed by random items his hand seems to nervously grab, scanning the smattering of humans around him. Smiles at the child skipping down the aisle in front of him. Turns the corner with a swift turn of his heel, letting the basket swing freely in his left hand.

He stops dead in his tracks, full stop. Just like that. The soft bounce against another body and his basket hits the floor with a crash as he grasps onto the jacket in front of him to steady himself.

‘’Are you all right?’’

The voice is like silk, deep and soothing. And Isak takes a step back to find himself looking straight at Supermarket Man. All deep blue eyes and hair and he is wearing a pink beanie today. Pink. It looks soft, all gorgeous against the dark blond locks escaping from under the hat.

‘’I’m so sorry’’ Isak blurts out, all ashamed and confused and shell shocked and tongue tied. Because whilst this is the time when Axel would have just stood there and said something seriously cool and funny and Supermarket man would have laughed and then they would have gone home and Axel would have had Supermarket Man on his knees within minutes sucking his dick and moaning like a bitch in heat. Well that’s what Isak would have written. In reality, he just bends down and tries to gather up the sad looking items he had thrown in his basket. A packet of toothpaste. An Apple. Two Bananas. And a fucking Avocado, that Supermarket Man is handing him, as he is sitting down on his hunches next to Isak.

‘’I like Avocados. They are one of the superfoods you now. Good oils and all that.’’

‘’I know you do’’ Isak says before he can stop himself. Then he gets paralyzed with embarrassment. Dies silently in shame, whilst his hand grabs onto the shelf next to them so he can stand back up without falling over and making a complete arse out of himself. Because not only is he feeling completely dizzy but he can smell him, and he smells edible. In every sense of the word.

‘’Sorry. I’m really Sorry’’ He says with what he hopes is a smile. Then he runs. Legs it. Out of there whilst the tears are pooling in the corners of his eyes and the anger is brewing like an angry fucking werewolf in his chest.

He is such an idiot. A hopeless case. A total nerd.

 

Well what’s new. It’s not like Isak Valtersen has game anymore.

 

 


	2. The man who lost his mind

He feels OK in the mornings, when the light streams through the windows into the shop. His home. With the tiny flat above the kitchen area where he sleeps and eats, and the sparkling workbenches in the area below. The ovens and mixers. And the cozy dark wood shop floor, with its rustic shelves and the checked tablecloth covering the sales counter. Hotch-potch mismatching baskets with white linen liners where he stacks the bread rolls and buns. And the chiller cabinet where he displays the fancy cakes he lets himself indulge in on occasion. Rich sunken chocolate cakes, perfect pies with lattice toppings and sometimes even the odd cream cake. English fruit cakes. Gluten free vegan experiments that fly off the shelves as soon as they come out of the oven. People love that shit. And the people who buy them have become his friends. He remembers their allergies and preferences. Keeps track of the ingredients they avoid. They send their friends. Put in orders that have him scratching the hair on his head in disbelief. He has gotten good at improvising. Pulling off a perfectly edible gluten free vegan non-soy no nuts carrot cake with ease after turning out monstrosities practicing recipes for days. 

Still this little piece of heaven that he calls home is the same place that his parents look down on with their sighs. The disappointment that brews in them. The sadness. The ridiculous fear of rejection that sits in his chest whenever they come and see him. The family Sunday dinners he endures, that should have been a celebration of love. Of bonds and unconditional belonging. Instead Even sits at the kitchen table where he grew up wondering how long he is expected to stay until he can go back home. 

He doesn’t belong. It’s not difficult to figure it all out. His brothers are both married with children, well-adjusted well-behaved little people that sit at the table with their tablets and eat with knives and forks. All whilst Even wants to pick up the pretentious food his mother has laid out and shove it in his mouth with his fingers. Wipe his hands on the starched tablecloth and drink down the French wine in front of him in one large gulp. Just to see their faces. Hear their sighs. The ‘’Oh Evens’’. 

He fucked up OK? It’s not like they didn’t see it coming. The middle brother. The troublesome child. The one that just wouldn’t conform. He hears it a lot. The stage whispers behind his back. ‘’Had some kind of mental break down, the middle boy. Such a promising child. Very artistic. You know what they say about these artists, there is always something wrong. Difficult people. The parents tried. They tried so hard.’’

And he agrees, his parents tried to understand him. He barely scraped through school, his mind too busy with everything else he was doing. Painting. Photography. Filming. Hanging out with people who understood him. Well he thought they understood him. 

His parents hired a tutor for his last year, some stern university nerd who forced him to sit down and learn for a couple of hours each week. Somehow. By some crazy miracle, he got into university. 

Not medical school like his older brother. Not Medical school one year ahead of his year group like his genius younger brother. Not what was expected of a Bech Naesheim. 

The Naesheim’s had been medical doctors for hundreds of years, except Uncle Bernt who only made it to Vet School. It always made Even laugh how they would all look down at Uncle Bernt, who was one of Norway’s leading experts on Large animals and regularly appeared on TV as an expert. Uncle Bernt who’s office walls were covered in awards and certificates. Whilst his father’s office was a small cubicle at The Oslo University hospital and his brother slummed his life away on the graveyard shift in A&E and his younger brother had zero bedside manner and Even struggled to figure out how he had even managed to get his long-suffering wife to agree to marry him. 

At least his mother still loved him. She told him every sunday. Held his face and kissed his forehead promising that she was always there. Whatever happened. As long as he was all right. 

There was always the unspoken continuation of that sentence, the one she never said out loud. The look in her eyes begging him to please be good. Please be normal. Please don’t cause a scene. Just conform. For me. Just don’t make me embarrassed. Let me pretend for a little while, pretend that my life is picture perfect. That my husband isn’t a pretentious twat. That my children aren’t completely fucked up despite the perfection we all think we have achieved. Please just be good. 

There is nothing good about Even. Everything he touches goes to shit. 

He lasted 3 months at university before he fell apart the first time. Pulled out and spent the rest of the term in bed too exhausted to move. His father ranted. Screamed. Shouted the house down. Then promptly paid up for the course in film studies Even pointed out in the prospectus. 

He spent 2 years pouring his heart and soul into becoming what he always thought he would be. An artist. A visionary. A painter of pictures. A visual storyteller. His mind is so full of stories scrambling to get out. Begging to be told. 

He graduated. Barely. By the time he gave up on finding a job he was behind on his rent, and hadn’t eaten for a week. He fell apart. Admitted defeat and moved back in with his parents. 

His life was over. He was officially a failure. 

There was no sympathy. No ‘’I told you so-s’’. Just sighs. Grief at a waste of a life. 

The following year is the year Even has erased. The year that just didn’t happen. Where there was so much hurt and sadness and emptiness. The year he fell apart. Where it all stopped. Where there was only darkness and pain. 

His father tried. His brothers tried. His mother slept on a mattress on the floor at the side of his childhood bed. 

It didn’t get better. He didn’t get better. 

Yet now mornings are OK. He opens his eyes and sometimes even smiles. He has found something that he can do. Something that he has poured his life and soul into and, it’s OK. It’s going OK. He is doing it all. On his own. 

Even doesn’t quite remember how it started, just that the life in the hospital ward was changed for a group home. That the people there were not the nutcases Even had imagined. They were just normal people. People who were a little lost. People who had lost. A lot. People just like him who had lost their mind. Temporary insanity is what he told himself. A lapse in judgement. A fucking massive lapse in judgement. Had it been worth it? 

Well somehow it got him here he thinks as he walks through the back door into ‘’Bread and Love’’. His little shop. His own little piece of achievement. Because somewhere in the pissed off and numb state he was in as he moved into that ridiculous group home, there was Hilde, the grandmother-like care assistant who taught him to bake bread. There was Mathilde who had a thing for biscuits. There was Petter the therapist who kicked his arse and called him a lazy wanker if he didn’t get up in the morning. And life turned around. Life got good. Maybe not good, but it got exciting. 

There were things he figured out. That he could quite happily take care of himself as long as he worked. So, he worked in a café, doing as many shifts as they would let him do. He took evening classes in patisserie. He took a class in small business accounting. He had dinner with his parents every Sunday. His Dad tried to buy him a flat. He declined and moved into a flat share in the worst part of town, but for the first time in his life he was in control. He did his own thing. 

He took his medication. He saw Petter, never missing an appointment. He saved hard. Worked hard. He baked for the other people in the flat share, trying out recipes and forcing them to sit down and do blind test tastes. Making them all complain that their waste lines were going to shit. 

Peace was something Even had never understood. Finding peace in himself. But he had a realisation one Thursday, a rainy dark evening when he was kneading a simple dough to try to create a spiced savoury Christmas loaf for his final assignment. It was the first time in forever that he had let himself cry. The first time since forever since he had let himself feel. The first time he understood. He stood there letting tears drip into the pile of flour on the board in front of him. 

He was at peace. At peace with himself. His life. His choices. He had made mistakes. Maybe tried too hard. He had let the pressure and expectations get to him. Trying to be some idea of himself that would never ever work out. Yet here he was. Kneading fucking dough and loving it. Getting excited at the idea of cardamom and cloves. Christmas music on repeat streaming out of the speaker next to him. 

Peace. Content. OK. He was OK. Life was OK. 

He signed for the lease on the tiny run-down kebab shop in early January, working around the clock to strip it bare and clean it up. He had made some friends who helped. He barely made the first payment on time, but he did it. He was officially in business. His own business.

The location was good, with a bus stop and tramlines nearby, good potential for passing trade. He did his research. Stalked the local cafes. Browsed supermarket shelves to find what was missing. 

The back wall in his bakery-to-be was covered in post it notes, ideas sprung at the spur of the moment. His ideas were ridiculous at times, but at least they were his. And nobody could tell him he couldn't at least try. 

He opened ‘’Bread and Love’’ on a spring morning and sold only half of what he had baked. Not that it mattered. He could do this. He would do this. He wouldn’t fail again. 

And, somehow, he didn’t. Well his Father just sighed and kept asking if he needed money. His mother marvelled at the pastries and cakes he brought home after work. His brothers called it his hobby venture. Not that it mattered. It made him happy. 

He made no profit in the first year. He made a tiny one the next. He built a clientele, got his first corporate client providing bread for a preschool around the corner. He took on Martha in the afternoons to help, a sulky teenager who made him laugh with her stories of drama from school. The bakery made it to the local papers top 10 best small bakers. Even started to give every customer a free coffee. He put a table outside in the summer. 

Martha left and he took on Ida full time. It just went from there. 

Until he turned 30 and realized this was his life. This was what he did. He gets up every morning at 3 o clock. and walks downstairs to the shop. Turns on all his ovens and checks the overnight proofing drawers. 

He high fives the delivery drivers who turn up at 6, helping them load his corporate orders. Smiles at Tarik who comes in to open the shop. Works through the day finally leaving at closing time around 5, sending the after-school staff home with whatever is left on the shelves, which these days is usually a bun or two. He is good at estimating sales. He is good at being the boss. He likes the kids who work for him, and he thinks they like him too. 

His life is good. His life is OK. 

After he closes the shop his routine never changes. It’s just the way he is. Too tired to cook, too tired to think, he just traipses down to the Co-op. Throws whatever takes his fancy in the basket and goes home. Sits aimlessly in front of the TV and eats. Showers and changes into his lounge wear. The joggers with holes on the kneecaps. The t-shirt that is so threadbare it makes him smile. Soft and cool against his skin as he curls up under his duvet just after 8 in the evening. This is his life. 

Apart from that he has fucking messed it up. Again. All because of that guy. The guy. Yes, that guy. The one that shops at the Coop. The one who looks like a frightened deer caught in the headlights. The one with the gorgeous hair. The broad shoulders. The eyes that look as lonely as his own.

He has gone and fallen in love. With the idea of that guy. 

Not that his parents know he likes boys. He kind of left that bit out, not wanting to add that as well to the mess that his life became. He claims he chooses to stay single. That life is complicated enough. 

And it’s true, he never wanted what his brothers have, the pressure of a relationship and ugh, kids. 

Yet today as he walked around, pretending to shop yet his brain was scanning the crowd, desperately hoping to see him. The guy. Hoping he could think of something to say. Something to talk about. Thinking he could maybe make him smile. 

Then he had crashed right into him and all Christmas birthdays and fucking festivities had come at once because for one tiny second the Co-op guy was in his arms. Pressed up against his chest. And at that tiny moment life was complete. And now Even’s brain is planning weddings, thinking about in what part of town they would live and thinking that Emilie is a great name for a baby girl. 

Which is fucked up. This is not real life. This doesn’t happen. This is no good to anyone. 

Even sets his alarm and pulls the duvet over his head. His mind doesn’t switch off though, it is far too busy imagining the feel of Co-op guy’s lips as he wraps his hand around the back of his neck. Leans in and kisses him. Whispers that he will look after him. That he will never looks so scared and sad again. That he thinks he is in love. 

When he finally sleeps it’s restless. Tossing and turning, which is causing him to whinge with frustration. This must stop. He should stop. This is no good. Yet all he can think of is tomorrow night. Just around 6. When he can see him again. 

It’s no good. It’s no good at all.


	3. The man who just wasn't that brave anymore.

__

 

Isak wakes up and whinges in frustration. Buries his face in the pillow and screams in to the cheap man-made fabric. He can still remember. Well he kept remembering last night, sitting in the dark staring into space thinking he should just be done with it. Go on that Grindr app and find someone to hook up with. Take the pressure off.

Not that anyone is pressuring him to get laid, well apart from Magnus and Vilde who scream with frustration every time he refuses to go out with one of Vilde’s new colleagues from the hospital. Because apparently there are hundreds of hot single nurses down there who are just desperate to take a nice guy like Isak out for dinner. He just flips them the finger. Fobs Eva off with excuse after excuse. At least Jonas never asks. He just sighs over the phone and tells Isak that at least Isak is ok. He is happy. Successful. Walking the intended path.

Jonas has gone a bit weird since he found his calling. Well he has gone weird in a good way. He now has this sense of purpose. Whilst Isak just floats around and tries to figure out what the hell he is supposed to do with himself.

Write, of course. He writes a few hours each day. Watches TV. Reads. Checks his emails and calls Sonja, his agent, exchanging dutiful pleasantries. It’s just that Isak is kind of obsessed with the thought of that guy. The handsome guy. With his knitted beanies and crinkly eyes and the hair that folds around the back of his ears.     

Isak curls into himself again, burying his face in his hands. If only he was 18 again. All cocky and carefree, when he used to go out. Get drunk. Hook up with with random people, being ridiculous and stupid. Then he grew up. Met someone who broke his heart. Stomped all over his idea of a relationship. Met someone else. And someone else. Until it was just easier to stop. Stay single. Get on with just living day by day. No hassle, no phone calls, no texts. No sex. That part sucked. But he had porn, and his hands and he kind of figured out what he was good at. Watching porn. Reading porn. And Writing shit.

Instead he is morphing into a middle-aged man way before his time, watching daytime TV and drinking coffee in his mismatched worn socks with holes on the heels. Whereas his mates from school would have remembered him as somewhat cool and with an eye for the ladies. Ehrm. Well. For the men once he finally admitted the truth to himself and Jonas who dragged him kicking and screaming out of the closet at some party. He had hated him at the time, but the guy knew what he was doing. He did him a favour. And he was still Isak’s best friend in the whole wide world. Gay or straight.

In a way, he is relieved at being that little bit older. He tells Jonas he loves him now, and without the tension the words would have created in his twenties. And Jonas freely tells him the same thing back. There is too much history to ignore, and Isak is grateful. He has people in his life who have known him as long as he can remember, and who have stuck with him through thick and thin. Not like Axel in his books, who he repeatedly kicks when the dude is already lying down. Bloodied and torn apart by his fucked-up heart and the actions that sometimes makes Isak cringe in second hand embarrassment.

Magnus calls him out on it, and Isak wouldn’t expect anything else. Tells him off for living out his fucked-up fantasies through Axel. Because Axel is the man Isak should have been. Brave and fearless and cold-hearted and cool as ice. Not scared and sensitive and overthinking every fucking move like Isak does.

Because now he has fucked up the only thing that he had going for him in his life, the daily supermarket shop. How the hell is he supposed to face him again? After behaving like a total twat?

Well Isak should man up. Apologize. Buy the guy a fucking avocado or something. Not that he will. He just isn’t that brave.

 

_It’s past midnight when Axel finally steps over the threshold into his apartment, drenched in sweat and with his arm bandaged up after the injuries he sustained putting the fear of God into the poor dude running the moneylaundring scam for the Yosemite Motor cycle club. They did good today, and he proved himself worthy to the Yosemite gang. He cut up the other guy enough to look impressive but keeping his injuries minimal. The guy won’t bleed to death. The slices to his skin were barely there and the stabs were mere flesh wounds, as he had been careful to stay clear of any vital organs. The guy would live, and the back up team had removed him from the side of the road before any true harm was done._

_The Yosemite boss was impressed, Marco had said so. Told Axel he was expected to turn up for the next meeting at the club, where he would be told what was expected of him._

_Not that there will be a meeting, because as far as Axel knows they are all going to go down tomorrow before the security transport gets hijacked. He has spent the last 4 weeks meticulously plotting this with Magne, and Sonya has given them all the all systems go. At least he won’t be there which feels shitty in a way, after all the work he has put in to it. There will be a fresh neutral team moving in to take the Yosemite’s down and Axel doesn’t really know what to think about it all. In his early days, he would have insisted on at least riding along with the back-up team, but it’s too risky these days. Too many people know his face for him to pass through unrecognized, and he has made too many enemies in Norway’s underworld to get away with his life intact should he run into someone who he has pissed off in the past._

_He agrees with Sonya for once. He needs to keep his head down for a few days. Lay low. Only come in to the office if absolutely life threateningly necessary. And Sonya had pushed him again. Begged him to consider moving. He has always refused because of Evie, worrying that she wouldn’t find him if she needed him. But he does understand that the risks of staying in the same place as long as he has, is starting to border on irresponsible. He is not safe here anymore._

_The sound from inside the apartment startles him back to reality. A squeak and a whimper cutting through the silence as Axel toes off his shoes and deactivates the alarm under the skirting board._

_The alarm switches off with a squeak as the silence is cut by another shriek._

_Axel’s hand is in his holster before he can even think. He acts on pure instinct in situations like this. Snaps into survival mode even though he hopes that he will find the noises being a pure accident. The TV left on by mistake. A stray cat that has let itself in through an open window ._

_Axel never leaves the TV on, and a window would have triggered the alarms._

_He moves slowly through the hallway, casting a swift glance into the living room. The room looks empty. Nothing disturbed._

_The kitchen is clean, and the table is empty. The cash that has been lying there for Evie is gone._

_The noise piercing the air makes Axel turn around and aim his gun towards the bedroom. He moves silently across the hallway, making sure his footfall is soft against the wooden floors._

_The bedroom door is ajar, the curtains drawn across the window, bathing the room in darkness._

_He takes a deep breath, making sure to swallow the air so his lungs don’t make a sound._

_The movement is swift and deadly as he lets his arm swing out towards the light switch, aiming his gun towards the middle of the room. He expects to find a body in the bed. He expects to get attacked. He expects a wild animal, an armed intruder. Even a friend or colleague needing a safe bed for the night._

_The sight he finds himself staring at is nothing like that. He lowers his gun in disbelief and let’s his fingers comb through his hair before sitting down on the edge of the bed._

_There is an envelope with his name on it resting in the palm of his hand._

_It’s not often Axel is lost for words, but today he doesn’t even know what to think._

 

Isak doesn’t know what to think either. He has had this plot planned out for the last couple of weeks, and his storyboard on the wall is pretty much complete. Axel has found the package. And now Isak needs to do some research. At the co-op. He smiles at himself and mutters some well chosen swearwords under his breath.

He knows he needs to write this scene. He has had it all planned out, Where Axel goes to the supermarket to get supplies and meets the guy who will play the main part in this book. The guy who finally captures Axel’s heart. The guy who will surprisingly look very much like Supermarket man. Whatever his name is. Because Isak has kind of secretly decided that whatever Supermarket-Man is called, will be what Axel’s man will be called. He hopes he is called something nice. Suave. Not clunky and Scandinavian and weird like Tor-Bjorn. Old-fashioned and weird like Gottfrid. Bjarne. All those names Isak has sworn will never make their way into his modern swishy fairy tales. He hopes he has a nice exotic name. Alejandro maybe. Something middle eastern. The son of an Egyptian actor and his model wife perhaps?

Isak is lost in his head again, wasting time. For the first time ever he contemplates just staying in and ordering a take away, anything to not have to go to the Co-op. But if he doesn’t go, he wont know what the fuck to make Axel buy in the next chapter, because the to be honest he doesn’t even want to start googling shit like that. He needs to see it. Touch the merchandise so he can describe it. Get a feel of the packaging and the confusion so he can make Axel real. So his reactions will be real. Axel’s panic and lack of knowledge needs to transfer to Isak’s prose without feeling contrived.

He sets off a few minutes late, half panicking that he will miss him, half hoping that he will. His mind is churning like crazy yet Isak doesn’t even want to think about what to say. He doesn’t want to make it weird. All he should do is apologize for being a dick. For freaking out. No lies, no excuses. Just straight up. Sorry. Then he can hold his hand out and introduce himself. Until he panics again. Because if Supermarket man doesn’t follow his lead and starts to talk then Isak is fucked and should just go home and set up a standing order for food deliveries for the rest of his life, as he will never ever set foot in the Co-op again. Fact.

He is fucked. He hope he isn’t fucked. He wants to get fucked. Which means he is basically fucked. There is no doubt about it.

It starts to rain as he steps of the tram and he makes a quick run for it towards the entrance, keeping one hand on the hood over his head and the other grasping his politically correct reusable shopping bag in his hand, trying to shake the water from his jacket as he steps in through the revolving doors.

He grabs the basket and makes a swift turn into the vegetable display. Throws a packed of carrots in the bottom of the basket, vaguely thinking of cutting them up into sticks so he can snack on them. Being healthy and all that.

His feet walk the familiar route, throwing random items in the basket. Some new healthy muesli screaming about Omega oils on the packaging in loud flashy lettering. Vanilla flavoured soured milk. Normal milk.

He throws in a packet of crispbreads before heading down that aisle. He sets his basket down and fishes a notebook and pen out of his pocket. He can do this. Easy.

He takes a few notes of brand names, and the way the packaging is designed. Makes a few notes about how the items are displayed and the different colours available. He chews the back of the pen and lets his foot tap on the floor. Picks up a packet and lets the weight sit in his hand.

He doesn’t know why he looks up, it’s almost like some supernatural force makes him do it. He still does it, looks up at the man who is standing next to him, with his arms crossed over his chest and wearing a red knitted beanie over his hair and a massive smile on his face.

‘’You’re late’’ He smiles and reaches out to shake Isak’s hand. ‘’I’m Even. And I will do my best not to take you out in the tinned vegetable aisle today.’’


	4. The man with all the frustration.

 

‘’Isak’’ He says, reaching out to shake Even’s hand. His skin is warm, comforting against Isak’s cold hand.

He can’t quite meet his eye. Can’t quite wipe the stupid smile of his face.

‘’Have you got a baby?’’ Even isn’t smiling anymore, looking unsure. Isak thinks he looks disappointed to be honest.

‘’No! No. No no. ‘’ He shakes his hand and throws the packet of back on the shelf with a little too much aggression. Shaking his shoulders nonchalantly. Like it’s nothing.

‘’You’re buying Breast milk substitute for fun then?’’ Even still looks confused. His face looks angry Isak thinks, and to be honest he feels like an idiot.

‘’No, research. For a story. No…’’ He throws his hand in the air. Signalling defeat. Big-time. This is stupid. Crazy. Ridiculous. ‘’I’m an idiot. Sorry. I’m not very good with people.’’

Isak turns around to walk away. There is nothing else to say really. How the fuck did he think this was a good idea? There are like 3O other supermarkets he could have gone to, to research baby food, and he thinks going to the one where he is bound to run into that one person he doesn’t even have the faintest idea how to actually speak to is a good idea? Get a grip Isak.

‘’Hang on. Sorry. I was unnecessarily rude.’’ Even is holding on to his arm and Isak does the one thing he shouldn’t. He shakes him off. Behaving like a prat as he turns around.

‘’Can we start again? ‘’ Isak pleads. Because how else can he salvage this? He has already fucked it up. The only thing he has left is to beg. Ask. Plead. Please talk to me. Please let give me a second chance. Well a third one. Fourth. Isak has kind of lost track. He can’t remember doing a single thing right when it comes to interacting with the man who is called. Even.

‘’Your name is Even?’’ Isak asks. Suddenly feeling a little brave. Smiling triumphantly.

‘’Is that good?’’ Even asks, laughing softly.

‘’It’s the perfect name. Perfect’’ Isak beams. ‘’Sorry, I had kind of decided to name a character after you if I ever found out your name. I was worried your name was Asbjörn or something.

‘’There is nothing wrong with the name Asbjörn, I’m sure I had a great uncle or something called Asbjörn. It’s a pretty awesome name.’’ Even winks and Isak’s face has gone bright red.

‘’It’s probably cool if you are a mad scientist or something, not the love interest in a romantic novel. It would be pretty hard to make an ‘’Asbjörn’’ ‘’ Isak does quotation marks with his hands, ‘’Sound sexy and suave and irresistible…’’ Isak’s voice tails off and Even is laughing.

‘’And you are telling me that ‘’Even’’ can be sexy and suave and irresistible?’’

YES! Isak’s head is screaming. ‘’Even’’ is the sexiest name in the history of sexy names! Unfortunately Isak’s face is the colour of beetroot and he shrugs his shoulders and stares at his feet.

‘’Suppose so’’ He mutters. Back to behaving like a 13-year-old.

‘’Are you a writer then? Is that what you do for a living?’’ Even’s voice is calm again. Soft and comforting, making Isak look up. Just for a second. Nodding.

‘’Wow. Would I have read any of your stuff?’’ Even is leaning back against the shelf now, grabbing a jar of fruit pure off the nearest shelf, throwing it mindlessly back and forth between his hands.

‘’No. Probably not.’’ Isak laughs. ‘’I don’t write anything mainstream. Kind of niche-romance shit. With guns. ‘’ Isak knows his promotional briefs by heart. Sonja has drilled him in how to present the professional side of himself. And Isak is pretty sure describing his writing as ‘’Shit with guns’’ is not in the blurb for Valter Isaksen, the author. Even if he added ‘’Romance’’ to the mix.

‘’Sounds totally like my thing. I love a good thriller. With romance and shit.’’ Even laughs again and Isak feels all warm inside. ‘’And babies thrown in then. As long as you don’t give the baby a gun. Wouldn’t go down well with social services.’’

Isak smiles weakly. Now what do you say? How do you go from this to ‘’Please come home with me and let me kiss you and maybe suck your cock?’’

‘’What’s for dinner tonight?’’ Even looks down at Isak’s basket where his sad selection of breakfast items are chilling out with those bloody carrots.

‘’No idea. I ran out of ideas after picking up the carrots.’’ Isak tries to smile but he is now sweating profusely and rocking backwards and forwards on his heels, letting his hands dive into his jeans pockets in sheer frustration.

‘’I was going to go for microwave lasagne, but the pizza was on sale.’’ Even nods at the basket on the floor next to Isak. Two Grandiosa ham and pineapple pizzas thrown in along with an avocado and a litre of milk. Half fat.

‘’I might join you’’ Isak smiles. ‘’Not meaning it like that’’ he quickly corrects himself. ‘’Not like I will come home and eat your pizza with you’’ There are beads of sweat running down his fore head. (and his head is screaming I WANT TO COME HOME AND HAVE PIZZA WITH YOU BUT I MIGHT JUST PASS OUT IF YOU ASK. PLEASE ASK!!!) ‘’I meant like I might buy a pizza for my dinner. Looks good. I prefer the pepperoni one though. I’m not keen on pineapple. It’s rank. ‘’ He does something with his face and his hands are now shaking in his pockets.

‘’You can come home and have pizza with me anytime.’’ Even laughs and then his face drops. ‘’Not meaning that in a creepy way. Promise.’’

Isak shrugs his shoulders.

‘’Maybe one day.’’ Comes out of his mouth and if Isak had owned a gun he would have put it against his head there and then. Oh fuck, he is rubbish at this shit.

‘’I shall see you tomorrow then? Even smiles, and Isak has lost the plot.

‘’For shopping? Or Pizza?’’

‘’Both?’’ Even’s face lights up. ‘’We both seem to shop for one, so we could just make it simple and share a meal? Just hang out? Would that be OK? ‘’

Isak swallows far too loudly for his own comfort. Wiggles his feet hoping he is not about to faint.

‘’I’m sorry if I got it wrong. You might be married with a load of kids and I have got it all wrong.’’ Even looks genuinely uncomfortable and Isak can’t help himself. He kind of awkwardly puts his hand on Even’s arm and shakes his head.

‘’No, Shopping and Pizza sounds great. I will see you here tomorrow. 6.15 ish?’’

Even’s smile could probably power half of Oslo. And Isak can’t help smiling back. His face is on fire. His t-shirt is soaked under his jacket. And Even nods and picks his basket up from the floor.

‘’See you tomorrow.’’ He says.

Isak is fucked. Oh Fuck. Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck.

 

  _His lube slick fingers are moving in and out of the warm hole of the man, who is on all fours with his face buried in the cheap fabric of the hotel bedding. His whimpered moans mingling with Axel’s hitched breath as he lets another squirt of lube drizzle over his fingers._

_‘’Arse up’’ he grunts as the mans legs give way underneath him and Axel grabs the slim hips in front of him, giving the man a rough tug to get him back in position. His arms are slack by the side of his body as Axel grabs the wrists and yanks them up against his back making the man scream out under his assault._

_‘’You like that? Playing a little bit rough?’’ Axel grits out as the man wriggles his hips. Tries to grind up against Axel’ erect cock that is bobbing against his stomach. His hand is slick with lube as he rolls the condom over his shaft, giving the man’s arse a firm slap before gripping his wrists again._

_‘’Gonna fuck you so hard. Hard and fast. You up for that?’’ he gnarls, leaning over the back in front of him , sinking his teeth into the folds of flesh on the man’s neck. Wet curls of hair stroking his face as he bites down making the man shout out._

_‘’You’re fucking huge mate’’ the man grunts as Axel sinks into the warm heat. He loves a slick warm hole, especially if it’s attached to a willing cock slut like this guy. It hadn’t been Axel’s usual hangout, the crowd being a little young for his liking and the music a bit too loud, but he needed the anonymity. The knowledge that he wouldn’t know anyone, no questions would be asked. No answers would be given._

_‘’Fuck yeah. I can take it mate. Just fuck me hard. Give it to me real good’’ The man’s voice is strong. Confident. Just the way Axel likes it. They both know what they want. What they both need. Straight up fucks.  No feelings._

_He lets himself pull out and slam back in with forceful thrusts, his fingernails digging into the pale skin on the guys back. He can’t be more than 20, far too young to be agreeing to quick fucks in cheap hotels, especially with someone like Axel who isn’t going to hang around enough to care. He isn’t staying for a post coital cuddle or a heart to heart over an overpriced drink from the mini bar under the desk. Axel needs to fuck. Fuck out some of the frustration that has built in his system over the last week. He needs to dominate. Degrade. Fuck a tight slick hole of a faceless stranger until his body can release and he can go home and let the shame fight with the need in his system until sleep will claim him and his head will clear._

MAGNUS: Whoa dude, hold your horses. What is with all this pent-up sexual frustration? Step away from the computer dude and go and wank.

ISAK: I am not frustrated. I am being creative. Writing an erotic fuck scene.

MAGNUS: I am calling bullshit. You need to get laid dude. You are jumping between chapters like a deranged kangaroo.

ISAK: What? I thought I was the master of the ridiculous insult. Deranged kangaroo?

MAGNUS: From one author to another. I learned from the best.

MAGNUS: Now honestly Isak. What’s a matter with you?

ISAK: Supermarket man.

MAGNUS: There you go. Pent up sexual frustration. When are you meeting him?

ISAK: Tomorrow night. We are having pizza. Together. I kind of behaved like a dork and I think I forced him to ask me to have dinner with him. I think. Ugh I don’t even know what happened and I am bricking it Mags. I don’t do this shit anymore.

MAGNUS: *does wild dance around the kitchen*

MAGNUS: The wife is on shift and can’t see me. *does the limbo*

MAGNUS: Is the limbo the dance where you wave your hands to the side?

ISAK: No that’s the Dab. The limbo is the thing where you dance under a stick.

MAGNUS: Like a piñata?

ISAK: WTF? Why are we even discussing this?

MAGNUS: Go and have a wank. Drink a cup of coffee and then get back to me when you have the next chapter done. In order. I get confused when you don’t follow the timeline.

EVA: What did I miss?

MAGNUS: Isak has a date with supermarket man and is horny. Not much.

EVA: Squeal!

ISAK: I hate myself. I hate you both. I am going to bed.

EVA: Do I spot smut? Oh, you do have it bad. Pouring a glass of wine now so I can read.

EVA: What the hell Isak? How did we go from Axel finding something in his bedroom to Axel fucking the hell out of a stranger in a cheap hotel? Get a grip dude!

Even can’t stop smiling. He is lying in his bed with his socks on, hoodie over his head and the duvet pulled up under his chin. He always slept better in a cold room, where he could cocoon himself against the world in the softness of clothes. The warmth of a duvet that he would pull over his head to shut the world out from his space of calm. His peace. The place where he could just be, without any pressure from the outside. The place where no one could tell him what to do. How to feel. What to say and what not to let his mind make his mouth blurt out when he couldn’t control his thoughts. When he lost control.

Not like today. He keeps stroking his arm. Isak had reached out and touched him. Spoken to him. His name is Isak, which is like Even’s favourite name in the whole world. He writes. Which means he is just like Even. A creative soul. A little bit whacky. Says things without thinking. Even loves him already.

Scrap that. Even is in love with him and planning their wedding. He might as well acknowledge the truth.

And his face. The one hundred emotions that passed over Isak’s skin during their brief chat. Even had noticed them all. The fear of rejection. The pleas. Please just let me pull myself together.  I can be nice. You would love me if you let yourself try, because I want to love you back. I want to be your friend. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Because why should I when you are right here?

He has learned to read people. To pick up on discomfort and embarrassment. He knows the feeling of being misunderstood. He understands the crushing feeling of having the rug pulled from under your feet when you are already struggling to stand. And Isak was feeling every emotion Even has ever felt standing there struggling to keep his body from betraying the panic brewing in his chest. He had wanted to run whilst silently screaming for Even to hold on to him. To not let him fall. Please don’t let me go. Because if I fall I have nowhere to go.

And Even would catch him. Every fucking time. He will catch him. Pull him in and hold him close.

But first he needs to feed him pizza. He changed the Ham and Pineapple for Pepperoni and Four Cheese before leaving. Bought himself a microwave burger for his own dinner. Picked up a few vegetables for a simple side salad. A bottle of dressing.

His packs it all in his industrial sized fridge freezer full of ingredients for tomorrow. Checks his proving drawers and sets timers for the ovens.

He ate his burger in silence staring out of the window. The street below quiet, a few people walking home in the dark, clutching their coats around their bodies shielding them from the wind.

He relaxes as soon as his head hits the pillow. Pulls the duvet over his head and shields himself from the world.

Tomorrow. He will make it count. Make it good. He must. He just hopes Isak will catch him too. Hold his hand when he runs out of the right thing to say. Stroke his arm and tell him it’s OK.

It will be OK. It has to be.

 

 

 

 

 


	5. The man who braved the rain

_His hand reaches out and he lets his finger stroke the cheek of the infant. The child squeals and nuzzles towards the skin that touched his cheek. Wails when there is nothing there to soothe his needs._

_He sighs and sinks to his knees on the floor in front of the baby carrier that has placed on the floor. Not on the bed where it could have fallen, not on the chair. Evie had left the baby in the safest place she could think of, the floor in Axel’s bedroom, the room where she had sought comfort, where she had let herself rest whilst Axel sat next to her, stroking her back, willing her body to give her relief, hoping she could calm herself down enough to let herself rest._

_She had slept here, numerous nights, shaking with the cravings that tore through her body, ravaging her mind with the chemicals that had burned the flame, the once bright star Evie had been, until she was just a battered shell of skin and bones, her once glossy hair a matted single plait falling carelessly down her scarred back. There was nothing left of the Evie she had once been. Nothing left of the girl Axel had loved so desperately._

_The baby screams, angrily and violently, it’s small fist shaking with frustration as Axel clumsily undoes the straps holding its raging body firmly in place against the padding and plastic._

_‘’Shhhh’’ he coo’s and immediately feels ridiculous. He doesn’t do comforting well. He has military medicinal training and he knows that the infant will need liquids. Formula of some kind._

_The child quietens momentarily against his shoulder._

_‘’Oh Evie’’ Axel sighs._

_He can suddenly picture Evie moving silently through his living space, faintly noticing her scent on the infant in his arms. He can’t begin to imagine her thoughts. The desperation she must have felt. The distress of what she was doing. He doesn’t understand. Yet he does._

_Evie needs someone to rescue her again. And Axel is always there. He has always been there._

 

MAGNUS: WHOA. Back up dude.

ISAK: What now? I am following the timeline.

MAGNUS: Lets go back to that paragraph where he picks the infant out of the baby carrier on the floor.  You need more. You need to make it real. Something like

_‘’The stench hits the back of his nostrils making him retch uncontrollably into thin air as the helpless infant shrieks in his arms. Axel has smelt human excrement before, he has experienced crime scenes that the company therapist has worked through with him for months afterwards, cohering the odd scents that would hit him randomly in the street, so they wouldn’t make him spiral and curl in on himself, foiling the inevitable panic attack that would follow. Yet this tiny thing in his arms is making his insides retch, his stomach contract as he holds the baby as far away as his arms will allow._

_‘’What the fuck has she fed you?’’ he whines as the baby kicks and the stench intensifies.''_

EVA: Oh, that’s good stuff Mags. Of course, that baby has pooped. Yass. Give it to him.

ISAK: This isn’t a Scat-kink thing Magnus. This is serious shit. Evie has dumped her baby on Axel. Axel needs to get a grip and grow up. This is all about him embracing his inner care-giver.

EVA: Bullshit Isak. This is making Axel human and endearing to your female readers. They will all imagine his buff muscular tattooed chest, with that tiny naked infant cradled in his strong fingers.

ISAK: Hang on Eva. That shit is good. Sit tight.

_He sits on the floor of the shower, cradling the infant in his arms, letting the soothing water fall over them both. The baby is moving gently in his embrace, drawing warmth from Axel’s chest, the water pouring over the scarred tattoos, the words he has printed on his skin. They look almost obscene next to the pure soft skin of the infant, it’s tiny limbs moving against the roughness of his patterns that cover his body. There is a tiny fist that slowly uncoils over his heart, sharp stings of tiny nails scratching into over the cursive text that sits low on his chest. Right over his beating heart. The name inked into his skin in a moment of madness. She had always been in his heart anyway, she might as well sit on it. Protecting him in her simple lettering, reminding him of a time when things were easier. When the space in his heart that had Evie stamped all over it wasn’t such a dark frightening space._

EVA: Ahhw, you love me Isak. You have always loved me.

ISAK: Axel loves Evie, you know he does. I only tolerate you for your excellent proof reading skills and because you married my best friend.

EVA: Bullshit Isak. You love me. Ahhhwww.

MAGNUS: You need to add that the baby is still screaming like a deranged banshee and that it’s doing Axel’s head in. That baby needs milk and clothes. You have a lot of shit to fix. It’s evening, right? Late evening? Where the hell is Axel going to get all that shit?

ISAK: Calm your tits Magnus. The Co-op is 24hours. And the one below Axel’s stocks clothes. Remember when he bought those clothes for Magne when Magne's flat got blown up by the Slovanian gangsters? That Co-op is magic.

EVA: I need a magic Co-op in Bergen. The one here is shit.

 

Isak has gotten nothing done all day. Every minute has been painful. Every hour has crept by with agony, making his skin crawl with anxiety. He has rung Jonas twice, but hung up before the first signal has rung though. He just can’t concentrate. Too jittery to think. Too anxious to even attempt to form sentences in his head. He has showered twice, trying to calm his nerves, wanked in fury over some rough scene that currently seems to satisfy his cravings.

There has always been the dream, tucked away in a forgotten corner of his heart. The idea that there would be someone for him. Someone who would love him so completely that he could give up. That he could let himself go. Let himself be safe with someone else to guard him. Not have to do everything for himself. Not be so alone.

He feels almost ungrateful thinking those thoughts, because he is never alone. He has people around him who care. He is loved and he is treasured. He is a good friend, generous in his affections for the people who matter. He loves back. Gives to those who need it. He would be on the first plane to Bergen if Jonas and Eva even breathed the words ‘’We need..’’. He has housed Magnus on his sofa when things became too much. Held Vilde through her sobs when she thought her marriage was crumbling. It never was. Magnus and Vilde would outlast an atomic bomb, standing there in the ruins of the world shouting at each other, then exploding with laughter and making out like teenagers the next minute. And Isak want what they have got. He wants. He needs. He craves somewhere in the bottom of his stomach. That need to be someone’s everything, and to have someone to love so helplessly back. 

By 5.30 he leaves the flat, slamming the door shut in frustration. The shirt is harsh on the skin on his neck, the jumper on top too warm even in the blustery October weather. He would have been better off wearing a hoodie, rather than the threadbare jacket he has thrown on. His boots are on point though, clapping against the pavement as he walks down towards the tram. Not that he is getting on the tram today, he is fucking walking all the way there so he wont stand outside the Co-op looking like some desperate stalker. Nor is he walking around the supermarket with an empty basket for half an hour until security escort him out for being dodgy and skittish. No, he is going to walk off all this adrenaline until he can clear his head and behave like a normal functioning charming human being on a totally normal date with a man he met in a supermarket. Who he has been crazy stalking for weeks. Watching like he had his own reality show. Giving him a voice and a purpose in his head. Writing poems and lyrics that never actually made it onto paper.

It’s not weird, he tells himself over and over. It’s not weird at all. He might have just hooked up with Even on Grindr. Invited him to his flat and given him a sloppy hand job in the hallway. Things like that happen. He is pretty sure of it. Well in his books Axel hooks up all over the place, it’s just too close to home to attempt it in real life.

Not that his Even would get up to dirty meets with strangers, even the thought makes Isak shiver. His Even. He shakes his head in disbelief. This is just crazy. He needs to take this completely chill. Do small talk. Hang out with a friend. Eat pizza without drooling on his stupid jumper. Who the fuck wears a jumper. He never wears a jumper. He looks like his fucking Dad wearing a jumper.

It doesn’t even occur to him that it’s a strange thing to do, standing in the doorway of the Co-Op, aggressively removing your jumper and wiping your forehead with the repulsive piece of clothing in his hand. He stomps his foot in aggression and looks for a bin. His best jumper. Bought on a whim for one of the press release photos Sonja had insisted on. A photograph where he looks suave and slick and nothing like himself. It adorns every single book he has released. Appears on his author’s page on Amazon. Google his alter ego’s and the damn photo appears.

He can hear the frustration in his breath. The panic in his chest. The damn jumper in one hand, his jacket in the other and the damp patches under his arms growing as his body fights the urge to just flee. Run.

 

‘’Wore the wrong fucking thing?’’ Even laughs in his ear, appearing as out of thin air.

‘’Don’t know what the fuck I was thinking’’ Isak snarls and his whole body strains from holding himself back. There is just something about Even that makes Isak want to throw himself into his arms and never let go. Then that feeling is fighting with the instinct to run as far away from Even as he possibly can.

 

It’s embarrassing as fuck.

 

‘’I changed my mind every hour about what to wear. I even contemplated a suit. No idea why. I haven’t had a date in years, I don’t know what the hell I am doing.’’ Even smiles, bright and beautiful, then his face falls and his mouth trembles. ‘’Sorry. Didn’t mean to say date. We didn’t agree on a date. I’m an idiot.’’

 

‘’Date is ok. Pizza date. We can do that?’’ Isak’s voice is barely there, his hand somehow resting on Even’s arm again. He doesn’t even remember doing it, tethering himself to the man in front of him like some limpet searching for blood.

 

‘’You look terrified’’ Even whispers. ‘’Don’t be terrified. I’m just as scared as you. I don’t know what I am doing and I mean that. We are just having pizza. I made a salad. And chocolate cake. I will woo you with my sunken chocolate cake if that is your sort of thing. You can leave after if you don’t want to stay. You don’t have to stay.’’ Even’s voice tails off and for a moment Isak can see it. The panic in his eyes. The kindness. The fear under the surface.

 

‘’I can do that’’ Isak whispers back. ‘’I can stay.’’

 

‘’Then come home with me.’’ Even smiles, his eyes all crinkly and his face full of dimples.

 

‘’Okay’’ Isak smiles back.

 

He needs to stop behaving like a creep. He needs to start behaving like a cool dude. Instead he puts his jacket back on and zips it all the way up under his chin. Laughs softly when Even reaches up and pulls the hood over his head.

 

‘’It’s starting to rain ‘’ he says, and fishes out a beanie from his pocket, hiding his mess of hair under the knitted wool.

 

‘’It’s green today’’ Isak smiles. ‘’Your hat.’’

 

‘’Green is my happy colour.’’ Even smiles back. ‘’I’m only down the road, 5 minutes’ walk.’’ He reaches his hand out, waiting for Isak to move.

 

And Isak takes his hand. Like a child. Tangling his fingers in Even’s warmth and feeling his cheeks blush under the hood of his jacket.

 

‘’You look good holding my hand’’ comes out of Isak’s mouth before he can control his brain.

 

Even laughs, his face under assault from the rain drops falling from the dark sky, his eyes glittering in the glare from the streetlights.

 

‘’You look good holding mine too’’ he replies.


	6. The man who wasn't brave at all.

They barely speak a word on the short walk to Even’s place. Just exchange bashful glances and tiny smiles as their entwined hands swing casually between them.

They stop outside the bakery, Even letting go of Isak’s hand to dig for the keys in his pocket and Isak looking up at the shop sign lit up by the spotlights above the shop window.

‘’Bread and Love?’’ He questions. ‘’You live in a bakery?’’ He teases with a smile on his face as Even blushes.

‘’I do indeed. My bakery. I own it. Work here, and live in the flat above. It’s not much but it’s home’’ he says and holds the door open, letting Isak crouch down under his arm to enter the shop.

The electronic bell goes off as he enters and Even switches the lights on bathing the room in light.

‘’Wow’’ Isak says and twirls in a circle to take it all in. ‘’I’ve walked past here, but never really noticed that this is here. It’s a lovely shop. Very old fashioned. Charming. And you sell bread?’’

‘’Yup, Pastries bread and cakes. And a free coffee with every purchase. ‘’ Even motions to the sideboard where huge coffee brewers are lined against the wall with stacks of paper-cups and lids are neatly displayed in rustic baskets. ‘’That’s our sales pitch. That and the allergy and dietary friendly breads that we sell. We are completely nut free, and can guarantee all our ingredients so our customers can trust that what they eat is safe for them to consume.’’

Even sounds like a business man on a sales mission and Isak can’t help laughing softly at him.

‘’You should be doing my PR. I would sell hundreds of books if only I could pitch them better. ‘’

‘’Haven’t you got an agent to do things like that?’’ Even is smiling at him. Leaning back against the sales counter and dragging the beanie off his head, exposing the mess of hair on his head. Isak wants to touch it. Run his fingers through it. Instead he shrugs his shoulders.

‘’My agent thinks having dorky photos of my face on the book-sleeves will make the books sell themselves. I don’t do much promo as such, I’m not the best person to tell people that they should read my stories so I kind of let the publishers do their thing. Hence, I am still in a one bedroom flat in Torshov and not in a mansion on Malmoya. ‘’

Isak blushes. He is being silly. Stupid even. Boasting about his own pathetic career when he should be praising Even’s cosy setup. He can’t believe he has never been in here before. Like everything else, he walks past and never notices, his head in the clouds plotting stories and chapters most of the time.

‘’You are a published author, that is an amazing achievement. Don’t ever put yourself down. I won’t allow it. You should be proud. ‘’ Even says and holds out his hand, gesturing for Isak to take his jacket off.

He shows him the back room, his bread-rolls in the proving drawers. The loaves ready to go for tomorrow, neatly stacked in the chillers. Grabs the Pizza’s from the industrial sized freezer in the back and let’s Isak walk up the stairs in front of him, stepping into the open plan loft space with his mouth hanging open.

‘’Wow’’ Isak says.’’ I love this.’’

It’s not big, but the high ceilings make the room seem light. The rain smattering against the roof windows, as Even turns on the spotlights that bathe the room in a soft sheen. His sofa is in the middle of the room, his double bed stacked neatly behind it up against the wall. Then there is the door to the ‘’bijoux’’ bathroom, as Even points out, laughing as Isak has to bend his head to glance through the doorway, and the kitchen is at the front, facing the street outside.

‘’It’s not big’’ Even says and hands Isak a pizza carton, as he rips open the box resting in his own hands. ‘’But it’s mine and it’s home. I kind of like it here.’’ He raises an eyebrow towards Isak who can’t help blushing again.

‘’It’s lovely. It’s nothing like my place. All modern and square and, well. White. Everything is white. Dull.’’ He says gesturing to Even’s kitchen cupboards that are painted a cheery yellow.

The oven starts with a low hum and Even opens the fridge door gesturing to Isak, pointing at the bottles inside.

‘’I don’t drink. But I have a couple of beers, coke. Organic Blackcurrant juice from Svendsen’s Farm. I wasn’t sure what you would like. ‘’

‘’Water?’’ Isak says weakly. ‘’Water is fine for now.’’

Isak’s head is so fuzzy from just being in the same room as Even, alone, his eyes transfixed on the hands in front of him sliding the frozen pizzas from the pizza boxes onto the lined trays resting on the top of the oven. If he had a beer now his mouth would probably start spilling ridiculous sentences out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

‘’Why don’t you drink?’’ Isak blurts out.

He didn’t need a beer to start losing control of his mouth. He is being rude. And intrusive.

‘’Doesn’t agree with me. Makes my head all fuzzy. I like a nice glass of wine sometimes and I kind of like champagne at Christmas but. Hey. That’s just me. You don’t need alcohol to be happy, at least I don’t. ‘’

He looks up at Isak from down by the ovens and Isak feels like he has had 10 beers already. Sluggish and nervous and a little out of control.

‘’I like beer. Not too keen on Champagne. Wine’s OK.’’ He fiddles with his fingers and gratefully accepts the glass of water Even hands him.

‘’I like you.’’ Even says. Smiling at Isak with that irresistible smile he has going on and Isak feels faint.

‘’I like you too. ‘’ he smiles back. His face feels like it’s on fire. His mouth is dry despite the large gulps of water he forces himself to drink.

Even just laughs and hands Isak two plates from the cupboard, nodding towards the small table in front of the window.

‘’Or do you prefer eating on the sofa?’’ Even asks and Isak’s brain goes into meltdown.

  
Isak can do sofa. Isak needs to lie down. Isak wants to lie down with Even on the sofa and eat his face for dinner. And never let go. Instead Isak nods weakly and walks off towards the sofa, placing the plates gently on the table before sitting down, far too prim and proper whilst Even throws himself down at the opposite end and puts his feet on the coffee table, only to swing straight back up.

‘’Oh! Salad!’’ Even shouts and rushes back down stairs and Isak let’s himself breathe. In and out his head falling into his hands.

He doesn’t know what he is doing. He doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. He is not smooth and confident like Even. He has nothing to say. I mean he could just jump Even and kiss him but that would probably terrify him. Scar him for life. Like sexual assault from a near stranger. Almost.

He said he liked him. And Isak had said it back. It’s a start. But where the hell do you go from there?

 

‘’Got it!’’ Even shouts climbing the stairs with loud footfalls echoing through the room as he places a neat glass bowl on the table. Then he disappears into the kitchen. And swiftly runs downstairs again.

Isak sits there like an idiot. And waits.

An alarm goes off somewhere in the kitchen and there are wafts of cheese and bread floating through the air.

‘’Even?’’ Isak calls out, rising and tentatively walking towards the kitchen.

He rescues the pizza from the oven and carries the trays through to the sofa. Places the pizzas on the plates.

‘’Even?’’ He calls again. ‘’Even?’’

He walks downstairs, one reluctant step at a time, feeling like he shouldn’t be there. Like he is intruding in someone’s private space.

Even is curled up, sitting hunched on the floor in the brightly lit kitchen area, his arms around his knees and his head bowed down. He suddenly looks small against the sparkling tiles on the floor. Small and frightened with all the polished steel doors reflecting him from every angle.

‘’Hey…’’ Isak doesn’t know what else to say. He just crouches down on his hunches, and places his hand gently on the Even’s arm.

‘’You should probably go. I’m messing this up.’’ Even’s voice is barely there.

‘’You’re not messing anything up baby’’ Isak replies, the term of endearment slipping off his tongue without any hesitation. He sits himself down and shuffles up until he has both legs either side of Even’s knees, and his arms resting around Even’s shoulders.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Isak tries. His voice not as steady as he would like it to be.

‘’Everything is wrong. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted to just sit down and talk with you. ‘’

‘’We can do that? We can sit down and talk?’’ Isak’s hand is stroking Even’s hair. He doesn’t know how it all started but he can’t help himself. His fingers twirling through the long strands in clumsy attempts at soothing whatever is going on with the crumpled-up mess of a man in front of him.

‘’You don’t have to pretend around me. I have no idea what I am doing, but I like you. You are funny and sweet and a little bit wild, nothing like me. I’m dull as dishwater me, but if you only knew what a boring person I am you would run a mile. I like you. I like you a lot.

‘’I’m not someone you want to be around Isak. I am stupid. I am slipping. I can’t help myself, I just can’t do this. ‘’ Even wails and buries his head in his hands as Isak leans forward and lets his forehead rest against the soft hair on Even’s head.

‘’Do you want me to leave?’’ Isak asks. He doesn’t want to. He wants to stay. He said he would stay.

‘’Would you just sit with me for a little while? Keep me safe? ‘’ Even doesn’t look up and Isak leans in further letting his arms snake tighter around Even’s shoulders. He presses his face against his hair. Breathes into his skin. Holds him as tight as he can.

‘’What are you afraid of baby?’’ Isak whispers. ‘’There is nothing here that can harm you.’’

He doesn’t know what to think. But he knows that Even is breaking, his body shivering in under his arms. His breathing shallow and strained. Something is not right and Isak holding on, shuffling his body closer so he can get a better hold. Pressing himself against the knees in front of him and breathing against the skin that rests against his lips.

‘’I’m afraid of myself. It’s always me. I’m no good to anyone Isak’’

‘’I’m not afraid of you’’ Isak whispers. ‘’Come up stairs with me. Let’s lie down and keep you safe.’’

Isak is not a nurse. Isak has no experience dealing with people like this. But he has never seen anyone as fragile as Even as he manhandles his long lanky body until he is half standing up and slowly shuffling his feet up the stairs, his head still in his hands.

‘’That’s it baby’’ Isak hums. He tries to sound encouraging. Pushing Even up one step at a time. They shuffle towards the bed, Even falling clumsily on his side with his back towards Isak, who grabs a blanket from the side of the sofa and carefully lies down next to him.

‘’Don’t leave’’ Even whispers.

‘’I won’t’’ Isak whispers back.

He curls his body around Even’s back, shuffling until he has a tight fit. His legs up underneath Even’s thighs, his arm tucked around his waist, resting awkwardly against Evens chest until their hands find each other and Even seems to relax into his grip.

He doesn’t know this man. Doesn’t know him at all. Yet he nuzzles his nose into the neck in front of him and closes his eyes.

‘’You should eat. We never ate’’ Even sighs.

‘’If I bring it over here, will you eat with me?’’

Isak goes into nursing mode again. Surely if you are feeling this small you need to eat. Because Isak feels helpless. And Even feels light like a feather in his arms.

‘’No’’ he says. Hiding his face in the pillow underneath him.

They lie there in silence for a few moments. Isak’s breath hot against Even’s neck. Even’s hand holding Isak’s hand like he is about to fall off the edge of the bed. He is not letting go. Not letting go. Ever.

‘’Do you know what I like about you?’’ Even suddenly whispers.

‘’No?’’ Isak say’s back, his voice soft against Even’s back.

‘’You are the first person I ever met who looked at me that way.’’

‘’Looked at you how?’’ Isak leans up on his elbow and Even shifts slightly so he is on his back. Facing Isak from under his fringe.  ‘’How do I look at you?’’ He continues, letting his fingers stroke a strand of hair from Even’s forehead.

‘’You look at me like I look at you.’’ Even whispers and closes his eyes.

‘’How do I look at you?’’

‘’Like I am something. Someone. To you.’’ His voice is barely there as he turns his head back into the pillow under his head. He is still gripping Isak’s hand. Squeezing their fingers together as Isak lays back down next to him. Tries to find a way to push the pillow further up so he can get his nose back where it was, right up against the skin on Even’s neck. His hair around his face. Scents invading Isak’s nostrils as he breathes in.

‘’You are. You are someone to me. I’ve never met anyone like you. Ever.’’

 

_It’s not supposed to be like this, Axel knows that. This isn’t his life. His life should be harsh and simple, the hours of the day divided into work sleep eat gym repeat.  His flat is not supposed to be covered in tiny cotton baby-gro’s covered in human excrement. His kitchen is not supposed to look like someone has blown it up with a milk powder charged explosive device. And Axel is supposed to shower. Like every day. He smells really bad and he doesn’t even want to know what the stains down the front of his T-shirt are. He hopes they are food. Coffee. Not baby poop. Please. Especially since the angry chime from the doorbell is echoing through the flat, when the baby has finally fallen asleep on his chest._

_‘’For fucks sake!’’ he mutters angrily as he tiptoes towards the door. ‘’This better be a matter of life or death’’._

_He still hasn’t quite got the hang of keeping an infant against his chest with one hand, whilst doing other things with the other, as he checks his phone for the camera he has mounted outside his front door._

_There is a man standing in the stairwell, a man he has never seen before. Looks decent enough, an official looking ID badge dangling around his neck and a clipboard in his hands. Bloody sales person no doubt. Survey. Isak sighs and sticks the phone back in his back pocket as the chime goes again._

_‘’GO AWAY’’ he snarls at the closed door._

_‘’Axel?’’ the man questions and rings the doorbell again. Bloody annoying twat._

_He shouldn’t lose his cool. He shouldn’t. But the baby is wriggling against his shoulder, making those little annoyed squeaks this baby seems to do a lot. This baby has attitude. Bad attitude. This baby is not your picture postcard cute baby, no Evie has spawned an angst-ridden baby with a serious sleeping problem and a total inability to stop craving that disgusting shit he mixes up in the plastic bottles littering his kitchen. This shouldn’t be his life. It just shouldn’t he thinks, and the sudden anger brewing in his chest needs an outlet. He might as well blame the idiot outside._

_‘’You woke the freaking baby!’’ He shouts at the bloke as the door swings open. Axel kicks it with his foot, hoping to gain some authoritarian momentum over the dude outside. The dude that just laughs in his face and holds out his hand._

_‘’Welcome to fatherhood. I’m Even from the Oslo city Council, I am your appointed social worker. I have some paperwork I need to go through with you. You are Axel Sværd?’’ The bloke looks up at him with a polite smile, arching an eyebrow as he waits for an answer. ‘’Axel Eirik Sv_ _ærd?’’_

_‘’Yes?’’ Axel replies meekly, having lost all his urge to hurl abuse at the man behind the obvious doorbell violation. He has given him the once over, looking for visible weaponry and any signs of hostile intentions. The dude is skinny as fuck, and Axel could probably take him out one handed, even with a baby in his arms. He also has that annoying cheery disposition that makes Axels teeth grow cavities from the sweetness of it all. Like he should bring out the cakes and invite the dude in for a cup of tea._

_‘’Fantastic.’’ The bloke’s face lights up in another display of dimples and freckles and lively cheer. ‘’ Can I come in? It will only take a few minutes, and I can answer any questions you have.’’_

_‘’Oh, I have questions. I have so many fucking questions you wouldn’t believe it.’’ Axel snarls and stands to the side letting the bloke walk past him down the hallway. ‘’Excuse the mess, I am still getting the hang of this baby business.’’_

_‘’Do you want me to take the baby for a minute? You look like you could need a fresh shirt. There are…’’ The bloke waves his finger towards Axels midriff, gesturing and nodding his head like he is trying to find the right words. ’’I think you should change your shirt man. That’s rank.’’_

_Axel agrees. There is regurgitated milk on his t-shirt. There is no doubt about it. A foul smelling milky puree smeared over the fabric. He doesn’t argue, just hands baby over to the bloke and turns around making his way into the bathroom as he carefully slips the rank t-shirt over his head._

_The dude is talking out there, spouting gibberish in some kind of baby voice. He can even hear him through the splashing water as he gives his face a good scrub, spreading soap on his hands so he can give his armpits a once over. He stinks. He smells really bad._

_He returns to the living room bare chested with a towel over his shoulders, scanning the room for something remotely clean to wear._

_‘’What have you named baby?’’ The bloke asks, just stopping his enthusiastic rendition of ‘ba ba black sheep’ long enough to let the sentence slip out of his mouth._

_‘’You tell me?’’ Axel snarls. He is being unnecessarily rude, he knows that. The bloke is only here to help. And it’s not like Axel doesn’t need to keep this in check before the baby gets removed and he loses custody or whatever happens when Social services realize that Axel is a completely useless fake dad and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near infants. If he even has custody. He knows fuck all about what is actually going on and he hasn’t dared to open the envelope Evie left him. He just can’t bring himself to do it, knowing full well that her words will haunt him for weeks, whatever it is she needs to say. She is manipulative at the best of times, but in a moment like this, she would know how to stab him. Twist the knife. Make him agree to whatever she would ask for. He knows her so well, he always has._

_‘’According to the paperwork, the baby is only named as Male Infant Sværd, the birth mother didn’t specify a first name, only that he should carry the surname of his father. I assume that is you?’’_

_‘’Where is the birthmother? I assume she was discharged after the birth? Are you aware that the birthmother is an addict? I am assuming the baby has been checked for any side effects from the mother’s use during the pregnancy?’’_

_Axel has so many questions that he doesn’t even know where to start, and the bloke is flicking through the paperwork, whilst effortlessly rocking the baby over his shoulder. The baby that is gurgling and making little happy noises. Not like the baby does when ever Axel tries to hold him. Axel holds the damn baby and the baby screams blue murder. They certainly haven’t bonded. The baby fucking hates him, and to be honest Axel is not totally sure himself if he even likes the tiny baby that has invaded his home. Well taken more like taken over his home, his life and his sanity to be honest._

_‘’There is no mention on the notes about any addiction, the mother’s health is not mentioned and the baby shows no sign of infantile withdrawal syndrome, which is routinely tested for in new-born infants. The baby has had a clean bill of health.’’ The dude looks at Axel with a look of confusion. ‘’You do know who the mother of this baby is? Don’t you?’’_

_‘’What a fucking question!’’ Axel sighs and groans into his hands._

_‘’I know. It’s an unusual situation. Not unheard of, but it does happen. ‘’ The bloke makes a note on the paperwork and puts his clipboard down on the coffee table. ‘’Look Axel. Shall we just step back a few notches and start from scratch. Does this baby have a name? He is gorgeous and he deserves to be named. By you. Because you are the Dad? Aren’t you? We can arrange for a DNA test to be carried out if you have doubts. It’s not a big deal.’’_

_Suddenly it’s like Axel has been winded. Like someone has pulled the rug from under his feet, letting the last weeks frustration and agony boil over in his brain._

_‘’The fuck do I know.’’ He sobs. Yes. There are sobs brewing in his chest and Axel roars in frustration, standing up and pacing around the room. His arms are waving around, his chest is moving with every strangled breath._

_‘’Wow. Love your ink man.’’ The bloke says. ’’Those are some serious sleeves. Sorry totally off topic. Back to the little dude here. Little dude needs a name. Go. ‘’_

_Axel stares at him like he is deranged. The bloke is the most ridiculous version of a social worker. He has dealt with social services before, middle aged men and women, usually dressed in comfortable practical clothing who speak like they have all swallowed down the same book of rules. Yes, Axel is a judgmental bastard at the best of times, but this guy?_

_‘’Who the hell are you man?’’ Axel huffs out in disbelief._

_‘’I’m the bloke who knows enough shit that I can help you get this under control. How long have you had baby here? A week? Have you had any sleep?’’_

_‘’The kid doesn’t sleep, and he hates me.’’ Axel whimpers like a child._

_‘’The baby doesn’t hate you, he is just as scared and confused as you. Now please give the kid a name before I name him myself?’’ The bloke looks serious. Maybe a tiny bit of amusement hiding behind the smile that is brewing behind those eyes. He looks kind though. Decent. A nice decent bloke._

_‘’I could do with a nap. Just an hour. Then I could maybe come up with a name. Damn you Evie. Damn damn you. ‘’ Axel starts pacing the room again, grabbing his hair and trying to flatten the impossible curls on his head that just won’t lie down._

_‘’Look man. My sister has kids, and I am pretty good with babies. Go sleep. I have nothing else on this afternoon, so I will sit here with baby and you can go rest. Have a couple of hours. I assume there is milk powder and bottles in the kitchen if he needs feeding?’’_

_Axel nods weakly letting his arms fall around his muscular naked chest._

MAGNUS: Oi. Stop. Change that last sentence. No smutty innuendo. Get him to put a fucking shirt on.

ISAK: Axel’s muscular naked chest is sexy.

MAGNUS: No. I was just getting into it now, going all soppy and gaga over this Even dude.

EVA: You made ‘’EVEN’’ a social worker? WTF? There is NOTHING sexy about social workers.

ISAK: This social worker is HOT AF.

EVA: Love it. Hot social worker Even. How did the date with Supermarket Man go? Why have you not replied to my texts? I need all the gossip!!! Did you kiss?

ISAK: Shut it. He’s lovely, really different from anyone else I have ever met.

MAGNUS: But did you fuck?

ISAK: Dude….

MAGNUS: I can ask. You do realize I know how it all works.

ISAK: Private, OK?

MAGNUS: BOOOORINNGNGNNGNG I tell you everything I get up to with the Mrs. You get all the steamy details. I just want something. A tiny little detail. Please?

ISAK: NO!

EVA: Come on. Just tell us something. We are your best friends.

ISAK. He smells nice. He’s a baker, and owns this bakery coffee place. And don’t ask because I am not telling you where so you can go down and harass him!

EVA: Magnus I am going to start googling now, will text you later with a list of possible bakeries with coffee within a 20-mile radius of Coop on Skoveien.

MAGNUS: Got it. I will go sample the goods and take photos. If Isak won’t tell us, we will find out ourselves.

ISAK: Don’t. you. Fucking. Dare.

EVA: We love you. Now go back to the story. So, Axel goes for a nap and Even has the baby and what the fuck are you naming the poor thing?

ISAK: That’s where I am stuck. I am sitting here reading the top 200 Norwegian baby boys names website again. FML.

MAGNUS: MAGNUS of course. It’s a no brainer.

ISAK: Dude. You are already in this book.

MAGNUS: Yes, but I am in a wheelchair and suffering from erectile dysfunction and my girlfriend has left me because she couldn’t handle me being a cripple, and you never let me get laid properly.

ISAK: Writing smut involving you would be wrong and weird on so many levels that I can’t even begin to explain it to you. Come on.

MAGNUS: If you won’t get Magne laid, I will write it myself. Sit tight. I will go and write it now. Oh yes. The man is getting laid. Epically.

EVA: I want more Sexy-social-worker Even. Don’t make him skinny, give him a little muscle. And a tattoo on his bum.

ISAK: A tattoo saying what?

EVA: Balls. Not a clue. Sit tight, will go and ask Jonas. Fuck the kids are killing each other downstairs. I will be back. Love you.

 

Isak let’s his head fall down on the keyboard of his laptop. He has been restless all day since he woke up this morning. All he wants to do is get dressed and leg it back down to Even’s flat. Seriously. He had promised to stay, then he had run out of there like a twat, worried that Even would wake up and freak out that he was still there. He should have stayed. He should have been brave.

Life doesn’t work like that though. Even had fallen asleep in his arms and Isak had freaked out a tiny tiny bit. Fuck that, he had freaked out. Full stop. He had gotten up and had some pizza, whilst staring at the sleeping man on the bed, trying to will him to wake up.  He then tidied everything away whilst making as much noise as he could. Even slept like a dead man. He was still breathing though, Isak checked.

In the end he had left, and regretted it the minute he pulled the door to the bakery shut behind him. He left the lights on downstairs, and purposely left the ridiculous dad jumper behind. Just so he would have a reason to return. Because Even likes him. And Isak likes him right back. A lot.

But turning up like some stalker is not the done thing, Isak thinks. He is supposed to play it cool. Lay back. Chill.

Which is ridiculous because Isak needs a hug. He needs a fucking cuddle in the bed that smells of cardamom and flour and cakes and bread. He needs Even to tell him he is special. He needs.

And he hasn’t got a fucking clue what to do about it.

 

 

 


	7. The man who took his life. Back.

_The first shot echoes through the air, the splintering glass barely registering with Axel as he hits the floor, his right-hand ribs taking the brunt of the impact, as his arms grapple for his gun that is not there. His mind is blank, racing through the seconds as he takes the scene in before making his next move. Even is leaning on his hip, his shoulder braced against the side of the sofa with a gun raised in his right hand whilst the left is moving frantically tucking the baby under the shirt that is now clinging tightly to him, whilst revealing the black vest clinging to his skin underneath. He is fully armed, and Axel’s head shakes in disbelief in how he missed it. How could he not have seen the bulge of Kevlar under his shirt, the tell-tale curves of the straps on his shoulders? And where the hell does he keep his gun? It’s a slimline Beretta, not standard issue, but it somehow fits this guy whoever he is, because this man that is tucking his shirt back into his trousers, carefully tucking the baby’s feet in under his belt to keep him snug and safe against his body when he moves, is not who he says he is._

_He is no civilian. Axel doesn’t understand how he missed it. How he didn’t notice how he holds his body. How he moves. Because they will have to move, now._

_Even meets his eyes for only a few seconds, signalling the signs that Axel knows far too well. We are leaving. Up. Roof. Arm yourself. Wait for my signal._

_His eyes are darting around the corner of the sofa, looking up to where the shot had come from. The shooter is above them, probably placed in one of the flats overlooking Axel’s. He had chosen this flat many years ago because of just that, the very bad angle for a sniper to get a good shot into his flat from the surrounding area. It wasn’t impossible but it would never be ideal. Well whoever is taking pot-shots at him is a damn good shot he thinks as the second shot shatters the glass from outside the balcony and Even makes a small rolling movement of his finger as Axel commando rolls into the hallway, moving fluidly onto the kitchen floor so he can shelter behind the cupboard door under the sink. The strong metal he had screwed into the back of the door won’t hold for more than maybe one or two standard bullets, but he moves fast retrieving his holster, and his eyes catch the white envelope he carelessly threw here. He stuffs it in his back pocket. Because he won’t be returning here, he knows that now._

_He has lived on borrowed time for the past year, and his past missions, whoever this is that has decided that today would be the day when Axel Eirik Sværd would lose his life, would always catch up. It was only a matter of time he thinks as he rolls back into the hallway, sliding onto his knees in a swift movement as Even glides past him to the front door, leaning his ear to the door as his fingers flick the skirting board to the side and disables all the CCTV. Like he knew it was there. Of course, he knew he was there._

_Because this Even dude is no bloody civilian social worker, not a chance in hell. This is someone who knows the job as well as Axel does, a fellow man from the company. There are too many signs now, and Axel knows. He needs to trust this guy for now, but he doesn’t trust him at all. He could be on anyone’s side, and the sheer fact that they are both still alive means nothing at all. They are all expendable. They will all be deactivated one day, cut loose by the company with no fall-back. No parachute or cushy pension. Let go with only themselves to rely on and access to a hidden bank account with a tidy sum to tie them over until they can build themselves a new life. Until they can truly become someone else._

_Even rolls his fist in a fluid movement and points his index finger upwards, signs ‘’two’’, closing his eyes briefly before shielding the baby with his back as he silently moves the door, rolling onto the cold marble outside, before taking to his feet and silently rising with his arms outstretched, his gun cocked and loaded. Axel follows behind, grabbing nothing else before he closes the door behind him. There is nothing else he will miss. Nothing else he needs. His life hangs on a fragile string, and this stranger, whoever he is, friend or foe, has Evie’s son tucked between his bulletproof vest and his flannel shirt._

_Trust no one. Breathe. Survive._

_Any other day Axel would have taken Death as an option. Not chosen it but seen it as a distinct possibility. Today he can’t, there is no way he can. This child did not choose this. This child deserves more. This child deserves life. A life far away from the life Evie and Axel have lived, where fear and anger have dominated. Where happiness and freedom were never options, where any mundane task would always have had an undertone of doubt._

_There is no doubt today Axel thinks as they silently move up the stairs and Even opens the door to the Bakkoush Family’s flat. Axel can’t help smiling at himself. This is no coincidence. This is all planned and laid out. If this was his operation, he would not have left anything to chance either. He hopes the Bakkoushs are safe. He hopes that they will never realize the danger they have been in he thinks as he steps over teenager’s trainers and a discarded toy left carelessly on the floor._

_Even points down as he unlatches the balcony door and does a quick sweeping glance below. They are on the other side of the building here, the neat row of balconies lining up below them. He would have worried about the baby, but he doesn’t. Even clearly knows what he is doing, already moving downwards, with his feet firmly on Mr Halvorsen’s balcony rail below. Axel following silently, using his upper body strength to make a silent jump onto the concrete balcony floor as Even moves further down, letting his feet land with a dull thud on the roof of the van seeming carelessly parked below._

_There is nothing unusual about this. There is no one paying any attention to the men moving swiftly down the building, Axels holster carrying his gun carelessly dangling over his shoulder. Even’s gun has never left his grip, even when climbing down the side of a building. This is not his first gig. This is nowhere near his first gig._

_He slams the door to the van shut behind him, as Even hands him the baby and starts the engine._

_‘’Hold on tight. Swapping vehicles in 8 minutes.’’ Even says no more as he slams the van in reverse and backs it around the corner to a trail of dust from the unfinished track behind the apartment block._

_‘’Sorry about this, I thought we would have had more time.’’ Even says, his eyes darting backwards and forwards between the mirrors as another shot rings through the air. The bullets are nowhere near the van. The echoes in his ears don’t startle Axel, nor Even as they take another tight turn onto the main road, only to immediately turn onto a bicycle track for a few meters until they hit the back of the next residential road._

_‘’Good plan’’ Axel mutters, realising Even has followed his own carefully plotted escape plan, the one that he has had in his head for years. Should he ever need to run. Should life as he knows it ever be over._

_It dawns on him there and then that it is. That he will never return. That this life he has lived is over. That he will never see his parents again. He will never return here. Never work with Magne again. The thoughts make his body shiver. He feels cold. He knew this day would come. He knew. He is not ready. He would never have been ready._

_‘’Who are you?’’ he asks Even. His voice an angry snarl. He would have hoped to have some control. He thought he would have choices. He thought things would have ended differently._

_‘’Well up to last month I was Even. Let’s just survive this next bit and we can introduce ourselves properly.’’ The van makes another turn, this time smoothly onto the main road, Even now driving calmly into another residential street. You don’t want to attract attention. Everything is normal. No one is watching as he slows the car down and turns onto another road, looking carefully around before stopping the vehicle and grabbing a rag off the floor so he can wipe the steering wheel clean of prints. He leaves the key in the ignition, wiping his hands on his jeans with a deep sigh. Axel takes the rag as it gets handed to him, carefully wiping any surface he may have touched, discreetly cleaning the door handle on the outside as he steps out onto the quiet road. There are a few children playing in the street, a Mother scolding them with a high-pitched voice. He stuffs the rag in his pocket, and walks slowly, following in Even’s footsteps in front of him. His gun is nowhere to be seen again, and Axel can’t help scanning the body in front of him, wondering where on earth he holsters it. His own holster is still dangling on his shoulder, his hand ready to pounce on the cold metal. The baby tight in his grip._

_‘’Grey Volvo on the left. Child seat in back. Strap him in. ‘’ Even is still scanning the area, his body moving fluidly so he can get a good look in every direction as Axel opens the car door, and places the baby in the car seat inside. The little one grumbles in his sleep, un-content and disturbed from the warm place he had fallen asleep on Axel's chest._

_‘’We will need to feed him shortly.’’ Axel says quietly, hoping that Even knows enough to have planned for wherever they are going, with a baby in tow._

_‘’Chill’’ Even replies. ‘’Supplies are all in the boot. There should be a bottle ready prepped for him on the side. We had a good send off team. They know their shit. ‘’_

_‘’Send-off team’’ Axel snickers, the dark hole in his stomach widening with the words. He has done this for others. Prepared everything they would need to disappear and handed them their new life, hidden in a pay-per-hour locker at the station, or left inside the door of an anonymous hotel room. He had watched these people go, and never seen them again. He knew he should forget everything he had ever seen, but the names are forever ingrained in his brain. He would always know them if he would come across them again. Always._

_‘’Strap in. We are now civilians. No one will save us from the traffic cops now babe.’’ Even snickers. His face forces a smile but Axel can tell. There is water in his eyes. This man is him. He is leaving his life behind too._

_Even doesn’t speak again until they hit the motorway heading north. The city disappearing behind them with every mile, and Axel’s emotions are threatening to strangle him. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. He needs more time. He wants to panic. He wants to open the car door and roll out of the car now. He wants to go back. Make things right._

_This wasn’t supposed to be like this._

_‘’Who are you?’’ He asks again._

_Even leans down under his seat and grabs a thick padded envelope which he carelessly throws on Axel’s lap. Axel knows what’s inside. He has seen these packs before. This is his new life. This is all he now has._

_The baby gives off a sharp cry in the back making them both jump._

_‘’Who the hell are you?’’ Axel asks again._

_‘’Jens Even Somerfeldt. At your service.’’ Even replies, but his voice is dead._

_‘’And who am I?’’ Axel replies. He doesn’t want to know. He really doesn’t._

_‘’Axel Somerfeldt. My darling husband.’’ Even snarls. ‘’Congratulations. You ended up being stuck with me.’’_

 

MAGNUS: You left Magne behind? You bastard! What about my sex scene?

ISAK: My novel. My rules.

MAGNUS: I HATE YOU

ISAK: ‘’My bi-curious adventure, Magne’s story.’’ Coming soon to a novel near you.

MAGNUS: I LOVE YOU.

ISAK: See?

MAGNUS: You’re a bastard. Don’t play with my emotions like that.

EVA: God I love it. How romantic. Fake husbands. They are going to fall so hard. Ugh. Please give them a happy ending.

EVA: Not too fast though. Let them suffer. Cry in their separate beds. Long to touch. I love this shit.

ISAK: Your wish is my command.

EVA: And am I right they are driving to Bergen? Can I tell you where they should live? I know just the house, Oh!!

EVA: I will drive past it later when I take Jenni to ballet and take a photo. It’s a lovely old house set back. No sniper points around. Great location. Has an old treehouse in the garden perfect for the baby.

MAGNUS: Walked past this coffeeshop earlier. ‘’Bread and Love’’ Ring any bells @ISAK?

ISAK: I HATE YOU

MAGNUS: Owner one Even Bech Naesheim. Sound familiar?

ISAK: YOU ARE A COMPLETE TWAT. STAY AWAY FROM HIM

MAGNUS: There was a note on the door saying ‘’Closed due to illness’’. I just thought you should know.

EVA: Go see your man Isak. He might need a hug. And a mug of tea.

 

Isak has never run faster. He hasn’t even realized that he is wearing checked flannel pyjama pants. Odd socks. And dress shoes. He looks like a complete idiot. At least he has a jacket on and his scarf wrapped around his neck. His phone in his pocket and wallet. He has everything he needs. Except Even.

Had he thought he should have brought his laptop too, because he won’t be leaving. No if Even lets him in, he is staying. He will be staying if Even will have him, because he can’t believe he left. He doesn’t know what he was thinking. He should never have left.

The door opens into the shop, catching Isak by surprise. The shop is empty and dark, the lights on at the back. The piece of paper carelessly cello taped to the back of the door announcing ‘’Closed due to Illness’’ still there, flapping in the draft as Isak closes the door behind him.

‘’We’re closed mate’’ a voice comes from the back, and seconds later a man appears making Isak jump.

‘’Is Even here?’’ Isak asks. His voice weak and not quite as steady as he would have liked. The shop is quiet. No humming of ovens or bread on display.

The man just looks at him, cocking his head to the side. His dark mop of hair is tied into a neat ponytail, his dark skin set off against the filthy white apron he has on.

‘’Who’s asking?’’ The man says, eyeing Isak up and down.

‘’I’m a friend.’’ Isak tries. ‘’I’m Isak. Isak Valtersen’’ He holds his hand out and the man stares at him suspiciously as he shakes his hand.

‘’Tarik. I work for Even. ‘’ The man says and wipes his hands on his apron. ‘’You have some nerve showing up. ‘’

‘’Me?’’ Isak asks, his breath hitching in surprise.

‘’You shouldn’t have left him. Why the hell did you leave him in the state he must have been?’’

‘’What?’’ Isak doesn’t know what to think. ‘’I don’t understand?’’

‘’He trashed the bloody place. What the hell did you do to him?’’ Tarik looks furious, his hands crossed across his chest.

‘’I didn’t know.’’ Isak whispers. ‘’I left him asleep. He was calm. He didn’t want to eat but he was asleep? I cleaned up after dinner and I went home?’’

Isak wants to cry. What the hell has gone on? He only left him two days ago? Then chickened out of shopping yesterday because he is a horrible person who isn’t brave enough to face up to things.

‘’Where is he? Is he OK?’’ Isak wants to cry. He wants to barge past this man and run upstairs and find Even and cry into his neck and apologize for being so stupid. He had asked him to stay. And he had promised. He had said he would stay.

‘’He’s asleep upstairs. But since you are here you are more than welcome to help me clean up this mess. Do you know how to make a basic wheat dough? ‘’ Tarik turns his back to Isak and starts rummaging around in the back, returning with an apron.

‘’Not a clue. I can clean though.’’ Isak replies, his whole body shaking with the effort. At least he can stay. He will clean. He can help. Just let me stay here. Just let me go to him. Don’t make me leave.

‘’Good. We need to get the floors clean, and the stairs are covered in broken glass, fuck knows how many he threw down here. If I can get started on some doughs there might be a chance we can fulfil the corporate orders for tomorrow morning. Will you stay? Can you stay and get the ovens on at 3 tomorrow morning? I can get in for 4, but there are no buses before that. ‘’

‘’I’ll stay’’ Isak says, his voice calmer. ‘’I’ll stay if he will let me.’’

‘’He will let you. Just stay with him. ‘’ Tarik throws a broom across the room to Isak, who leaves his jacket on the counter and pulls the apron over his head.

‘’Where do I start? The stairs?’’ Isak asks as he walks into the back kitchen. Tarik has all the chillers open shaking his head in disbelief. Muttering something that Isak thinks are swearwords. 

‘’Stairs is good. Just don’t wake him. He needs to rest. Please let him rest.’’

‘’Ok.’’ Isak whispers.

He walks carefully to the top of the stairs, letting his head just glance over the railings, his eyes blinking trying to acclimatize to the dusk of the room. It’s not too bad. There a few books on the floor. Discarded clothing strewn on the sofa. A half eaten sandwich abandoned on the coffee table, next to an undrunk cup of tea.

He can make out a shape under the duvet, a few strands of dark blonde hair curled over the pillow. The soft sound of breathing lingering through the air.

‘’I’m here now’’ Isak whispers in his head. ‘’I’m so sorry baby’’.

He wants to go over and curl up in the bed against the back wall. He wants to bury his face in the warmth of Evens chest. He wants. He wants this. He wants this so bad.

Instead he carefully picks up the shards of glass from the top step. Sweeps the smaller ones down in front of him, carefully checking that none are left behind.

He cleans. He cleans until the rumpled shape of a human being appears downstairs in the kitchen where Tarik is teaching Isak to shape mini rye knots for Torshovshagens Day-care.

Even stands there in silence watching Isak, Isak still wearing his pyjama pants under the clean apron and Tarik laughing at the piece of dough stuck in the blue hair-nets he has insisted they both wear.  

And Even just stands there. And Isak doesn’t know where to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I have written about Even’s mental health, and described him as being unwell in one of my Stories. I have very little knowledge of bipolar disorder, and I have always felt that It would be unfair for me to try to write about it. In this story it fits though, and whilst I have chosen not to make Even fully bipolar I have instead tried to write him as having Cyclothymia, which is a milder form of bipolar disorder where episodes are shorter and the person can swing between highs and lows very quickly. Cyclothymia can escalate into Bipolar disorder if left untreated.  
> If you feel I have in any way misrepresented the condition in the way I have described it please let me know. I am more than happy to stand corrected and will clarify anything that doesn’t add up. Please comment, or DM me on twitter if you have something to say, I would rather learn and correct my words than upset anyone. Thank you. xxx


	8. The man who loved the shit out of everyone.

‘’I’m going back to bed’’ Even says and disappears into the dark hallway where he came from. His footfall up the stairs echoing in the silence. The only sound being the buzz of the fridges behind them as Isak stands frozen to the ground. The buzz suddenly seems deafening and Isak can barely breathe.

‘’Dude’’ Tarek says and nudges his arm.

‘’I don’t think he wants me here..’’ Isak says. He’s a little bit in shock. Panicking on the inside. He hasn’t thought this through. He hasn’t thought this through at all.

 

‘’Dude’’ Tarek says again. His voice much softer with a resigned sigh following behind. ‘’I can’t believe I have to spell this shit out for you.’’

 

Isak just shakes his head in frustration. Tugs at the apron that suddenly feels hot around his neck.

‘’I know Even is unwell. I don’t know much more. He was fine the other day, then he wasn’t. Then he trashed his shop and now he looks at me like he hates me. I should probably go.’’

Isak wants to cry. He wants to run upstairs and shake Even. Kick him out of this mood he is in. He wants Even back. Happy smiley ridiculous Even who holds his hand and smiles and makes the world a brighter place.

 

‘’You are not going anywhere Isak. You will be up baking at 3 sharp. Seriously dude, don’t back out on me. We are in the shit as it is, having missed out on 2 days business. Tomorrow we are going to run at full capacity. All day. It’s up to you Isak. You pull out now we are going do be in so much trouble you won't even want to be here to see the shitstorm that is about to come down. Trust me. We fix this now. Done?’’ Tarek is reaching out to shake Isak’s hand. Isak who just stands there like an idiot staring into the dark hallway.

Tarek takes another deep breath. Shakes his head and wipes his hands on the towel slung over his shoulder.

‘’Look. Dude. Let me tell this to you like a man. Dude to dude.’’ He gestures between them and pushes his hairnet further up his head. They both look like twats. Some kind of baking pyjama boys. At least he thinks Tarek is wearing chef pants, some checked cotton slacks that look like they need a good wash. Not that Tarek is dirty, but he has spent most of the afternoon on his hands and knees scrubbing the tiled floor. And cleaning out the chillers where apparently Even had had some kind of fit of rage throwing ingredients around.

‘’Tell me what to do.’’ Isak sighs.

‘’You are going to go upstairs. You are going to tell Even that you are here, and you are staying and that everything will be fine. Tell him we have everything under control. Don’t even whisper a word about things going to shit down here. Seriously. We’ve got this. He needs to know that. We’ve got his back. OK?’’

‘’Ok’’ Isak croaks out.

‘’Secondly if you have any feelings for him, you lay them out. He needs to know how you feel. Even is not good with playing games, and he’s a little fragile right now. So, if you don’t want to be with him, then you should probably get out now. But I think you do. So, fucking tell him Isak. He needs to know where you stand if we are going to pull through this. So, go up there and hug the shit out of him and tell him you’re his dude. Clear?’’

Isak can’t help it. He lets a little giggle escape. ‘’I can do that. Seriously, that last line. I need to steal that for my book. I might even give you a character. I’m his dude. Man. That’s epic.’’

Tarek just looks at him like he has lost his mind. ‘’You are his dude. He’s been crushing on you for months, it’s time to fix that shit.’’

‘’Yeah. I guess so.’’ Isak’s legs are wobbling. His hands not quite steady as he slides the last tray into the proving drawers.

‘’Go upstairs and stay with him. Don’t leave him alone, OK? I’ll finish off down here, and you need to be down here at 3. Seriously, any later and everything goes to shit. I will write down everything you need to do on a piece of paper and I will be here at 4 to help. It will be a freaking long day but we need to do this. For Even. OK? We don’t let Even down. Because he would never let any of us down. OK?’’

Isak just nods and takes the hairnet off. The apron strings are tight around his waist as he tugs at them and he can feel a few drops of sweat forming around his temples.

How do you fix something like this? How do you apologize for something you didn’t understand? Well he still doesn’t understand a thing to be honest.

 

‘’Tarek, what is wrong with Even?’’ He asks. He needs to at least know what he is dealing with.

 

‘’There is nothing wrong with Even. Even is the coolest kindest most awesome human being around. I would not be here today without him. Trust me, he’s cool. He just needs you. He needs someone to love him back, because he spends all his time loving the shit out of everyone else. That’s just who he is. He’s a bit up and down and sometimes he shuts the world out for a while. Sometimes his life seems to collapse on him. But he digs himself out. He always does. Just love him. That’s all you need to do.’’

 

‘’OK.’’ Isak says, his chest suddenly all warm. ‘’OK’’. He thinks he can do that. He can love him. At least he can try.

 

Even is back in bed with his back towards the room, but he’s awake. Tugging to get the duvet further around his shoulders as Isak hits the top step, almost tiptoeing in his socked feet.

 

Isak means to speak. He means to offer food. Apologies. Hugs. Whatever Even needs he will give it. Instead he just goes and lies down in bed behind him. Shuffles awkwardly at first, but Even doesn’t move. Almost like he is lying there holding his breath.

 

So Isak thinks fuck it. He even says it out loud as he gets back out of bed, lifting the duvet up and crawling back in. Lining himself up against Even’s body, getting as close as he could possibly get. His legs bending up under Even’s, his arm tight around his waist, and the other arm pushing to get in underneath his head. He doesn’t stop shuffling around until he has Even exactly where he wants him. In his arms. Snuggled up tight. Arms around his body and Isak’s face buried in his hair. He is right here. Right where he needs to be.

 

‘’I’m here baby’’ He says. ‘’I’m right here. And I am not leaving. Tough, if you want me to because I am staying. Here, I belong here with you.’’

‘’OK’’ Even says. Just softly and his body seems to relax. Sinking back into the bed. Letting himself relax into Isak’s body. Warm and soft against his chest.

 

‘’Don’t leave me.’’ Even’s voice is stronger. A little more settled.

 

‘’I will never leave you. I was wrong to leave the other night, but I was scared, and I didn’t understand. I still don’t but I know I shouldn’t have left. So, I am staying. I am staying until you tell me to leave, and even then, I might still stay. Because I want to be with you Even. I don’t care if things are hard. I don’t care if we have to work at this until we get it right. We just need to try. You need to tell me what you need and I will give it to you. And I just need you. I need you to be you. Because I like you. I like you a lot. ‘’ Isak has to catch his breath. He is speaking far too fast. Far too loud.

 

Even seems to shuffle further into Isak's arms. Curling up around Isak's arms.

‘’I wanted to be perfect. I wanted this to be perfect. I messed it up because it became a little too much. I am too much to handle for anyone, and I get that it was too much for you to deal with me and my shitty head. I lost my nerve. I lost all my bravery. Then you left, and I lost the plot.’’

 

‘’It’s OK. It’s OK. We’ve got you.’’ Isak tries to remember all the things Tarek said. Tries to think of reassuring words to say. Phrases to calm Even down. His brain scrambling for things to say as he pushes his lips onto Even’s skin. Nuzzles into his neck. Tries to hold him tighter.

 

‘’I am fine with routine. If I do the same thing every day I seem to work better. Anything that shifts my schedule makes me slip. I start to think too much and get over excited and…Isak. I am a mess. I am such a fucking child.’’

 

There are words that need to be said. Replies sitting at the tip of Isak’s tongue. He should shush and reassure. He should say that they will work it out. That they will take it slow. Get to know each other. That Isak is fine with routine. Fuck he’s a bloody master of routine. He should say all the right things. All the things that make things better.

 

He can’t. He can’t say a single thing. He just lies there and lets his heart thump against Even’s back. His fingers tangling up in Even’s cold hands. Rubbing gently against his fingers.

He kisses the back of his neck again. Soft little kisses. Lips against skin.

 

‘’I love you’’ He says. ‘’I’m going to love the shit out of you. Because you are pretty God-damn perfect to me.’’.

 

 

_They have driven for what seems like hours. Sitting in silence. Axel dozing in the back seat with the baby who has finally settled into sleep, with a clean nappy on the go and a few bottles down his belly. They need to stop soon. And he thinks this Even/Jens person knows it too, as he is fidgeting around. Shuffling his bum on the seat and sighing loudly every so often._

_‘’There’s a radar checkpoint just up here. I want to get past it so it logs this car in the system heading north. Then we are verging off. Just a while longer. OK?’’_

_Axel nods. Clears his throat remembering that this dude, whoever he is, can’t see fuck in the darkness of the car._

_‘’What do you want me to call you? Even or Jens?’’ He supposes it’s time to talk. Lay down some ground rules. Get this situation under some kind of control._

_‘’I suppose Jens. It’s safer. ‘’_

_‘’Do I want to know what kind of shit you got yourself in to get yourself deactivated? I suppose there are things you should tell me so I know how knee deep in trouble we are in. Because even to me, with 20 years in this company, this situation is extraordinary. People get deactivated, yeah, but you don’t get deactivated with some stranger who you know fuck all about. It’s frankly weird.’’_

 

_Axel hasn’t spoken this much in hours. His tongue is dry. He needs a drink. The milk bottle in his hand is empty, and fuck he would even contemplate a slat of milk. Just something to wet his throat._

 

_‘’It’s a long story’’ Jens sighs. ‘’I will try to tell you all but we need to sit down and discuss things. There are things about me you need to understand. Some medical stuff. I don’t envy you having to put up with me, but I didn’t have a choice.’’_

_‘’Who did the Deactivation preps? Velasquez?’’_

_‘’No, his team was too close to you. I got assigned your file 2 years ago, and have had it all ready for the last 6 months. We knew you didn’t have long until you would become a liability.’’_

_‘’Is that your role then? You’ve been on the Deactivation team?’’_

_‘’No. That was a one off whilst recovering from a situation. I’ve been in deep ops for years. Had so many different aliases that I can’t even remember who I am supposed to be most of the time. ‘’_

_‘’I know the feeling’’ Axel sighs. ‘’I’ve had a few.’’_

_‘’32 different known aliases in the last 12 years.’’ Jens sighs as he turns the indicators off to leave the motorway. ‘’I knew your file by heart in the end. It was a fucking nightmare finding a name you hadn’t used before. In the end I stuck with Axel for you. I think your name should be you. And it’s probably the last name people will expect you to have stuck with. ‘’_

_‘’Thanks.’’ Axel shuffles uncomfortably in the cramped car seat. He’s honestly too tall to sit in the back. And Jens being tall as fuck means there is even less legroom. He makes a mental note to at least move the baby car seat to the driver side so he can give his legs some stretch by sitting on the passenger side._

_‘’What about baby here? Did you give him a name?’’_

_‘’I tried to get you to name him, at your place, Remember? I thought it would be nice. He needs a name for the aftermath. The papers always want a name. it makes the story more personal. Anyway, I wrote out a nice obituary for you. Some nice facts and figures. ‘’_

_‘’What is the official story?’’_

_‘’The back-up team went in after us, torched the place. You didn’t survive. Sorry. There will be an official funeral and a post mortem will reveal gunshot wounds both to you and Filip here. I made sure it’s all pretty much watertight. Got our coroner in and our own officers to remove the remains. ‘’ Jens moves his head around casting a quick glance back at Axel. His face looking tired in the light from the passing streetlights. They are going down a quiet dual carriage way, and Axel realizes he has no idea where they are heading. He doesn’t really want to know. Just a stretch and a shower and a meal would happily top the list of his requests now._

_‘’Filip?’’ He suddenly blurts out. ‘’You named the baby Filip?’’_

_‘’Yeah. My sister was Filippa. I thought it would be a suitable tribute.’’_

_‘’Sorry, about your sister. I guess she is not with us anymore?’’_

_‘’There is a lot I need to tell you. But yeah Filip. Filip Somerfeldt. No middle names No fuss. Simple’’_

_‘’Filip’’ Axel almost lets out a little laugh. ‘’Filip. Suppose it’s pretty cool. Solid name. You did good there.’’_

_‘’I’m pretty awesome at this shit. When I get enough time that is. I was only told that they wanted me gone 2 months ago. That was pretty tight to get a plan together. Which I suppose I should own up to. I wasn’t meant to come with you. But I didn’t have time to put together another watertight disappearance plan. Your’s was all set up. Everything was planned out and set up for you, so I just took myself off grid. Weaved myself into your life. It didn’t take too long and to be honest I was running out of time.’’ Even sighs a little again, looks around trying to catch Axel’s eye. Like he is unsure. Like he wants Axel to reassure him that things are OK._

_‘’The bullets today? Who was the target? Honestly?’’ Axel’s mind is working in overload mode here, trying to figure out the timelines. Trying to make sense of all the threads in his life that are now suddenly not even his anymore. He is dead. In the real-world Axel Eirik Sværd is dead. Lying somewhere in an empty mortuary slab with a neat official label on the side._

_‘’The baby’’ Jens replies as he turns the car into a gravelled path. Turns off the car’s lights as he slowly lets his eyes get used to the darkness around them. Following the path at a snail’s pace._

_‘’Why would anyone want to harm the baby?’’_

_‘’Axel, there is a price on my head. I have made some huge mistakes, trusting people I shouldn’t have. I fucked up and I have to live with that. It was time anyway. I needed an out and in a way, I am grateful. I am grateful that we are leaving this life behind. I barely know you, but I know you on paper. This is not the life you were destined for either. You have made too many enemies to stay alive. You were living on borrowed time as it was. But the baby. The baby is wanted by 3 different known agencies. The baby is worth a fucking fortune in the wrong hands. There has been talk of billions for the live body and a solid DNA proof.’’_

_‘’I don’t get it. This is Evie’s baby. Evie is fucking nobody anymore. Why is that even relevant?’’_

_‘’Evie’’ Jens sighs. ‘’I forgot you don’t know about Evie.’’_

_He stops the car and steps out. Leaning his head back inside to tell Axel to get out. A short ‘’ Bring the baby. ‘’ as he slams the driver door closed._

_Axel does as he is told. Because frankly he is getting a little annoyed now. He hates feeling out of control. He needs a full brief. He likes being totally in control. Read up on his mission, and fully informed of any little detail relating to the task in hand. This. This feels reckless. Dangerous even. He needs a plan. A brief. Some fucking words of truth._

_‘’We’re leaving the car seat. I’m not 100% happy with it. I’m getting readings all over the thing. ‘’_

_Jens is sweeping a small device over the bags in the boot. Moving them out one by one. Throwing one back in in disgust._

_‘’Fucking losers. Trackers. Faint but they are there. Just as I guessed. ‘’_

_‘’Our people? Or others?’’_

_‘’Ours. There are people on the inside on this. I am pretty sure I know who they are too. Which is why we are disappearing. Again. ‘’_

_He throws two envelopes back into the booth. Then hands Axel two identical ones. Axel who stands there like a fool with the baby in his arms. Filip. A tiny helpless thing that apparently is the cause of all things evil, a trophy of some kind. A child with secrets so valuable that people are willing to risk their lives for him. He wonders what the hell Evie had been thinking. What on earth she had gotten herself tangled up in._

_Jens reaches behind his back and there is his gun. In his hand the metal shines against the light from the car’s headlights, as Jens reaches into his pocket to reveal a silencer tube, which he screws to the gun in a few effortless twists of his hands.  Then the familiar sound of the gun cocking and loading._

_Axel suddenly has chills up his spine. Like something is not right. Like this is all wrong. All wrong._

_Jens holds the gun in front of him. Shoots Axel a little smile._

_‘’Shall we get this party started then?’’ he asks. And Axel’s first instinct is to run._

MAGNUS: You devious little shit.

MAGNUS: The enemy within. Please let Magne be the culprit. I like the idea of the goody two shoes disabled fucked up bi-curious undercover agent fighting back at the system. Let him go all in for revenge.

ISAK: How the fuck would Magne be involved? I suppose he would want to revenge Axel’s death. Although he would be suspicious. He knew Axel would have to deactivate at some point.

MAGNUS: He could go looking for Axel, say Magne realizes he has always been in love with Axel and now wants to find out the truth. Look for the love of his life kind of thing.

ISAK: Magne has never been in love with Axel.

MAGNUS: They had a threesome. Book 2. With that Wilma bird from the CIA.

ISAK: Yeah, but it wasn’t like they were touching each other.

MAGNUS: Yes, but they still had sex. Together. Like a CIA sandwich. You should write another threesome.

ISAK: Threesomes are a mess to write. Too many limbs and then you have to keep track of whose cock is going where.

MAGNUS: Awesome. I am picturing it now.

MAGNUS: I will lend you some of Cecile’s Ken dolls again if that help. You can pose them for accuracy. To help you visualize.

ISAK: I am suddenly seriously worried about Cecile’s dolls. I can picture you sitting on the floor in her room playing with her dolls and making them do filthy shit.

MAGNUS: I am an awesome father. We usually play kidnapping. The Barbie’s kidnap the Kens and tie them up in the Magical Camper thing and then they have to do all kind of things to pay off the ransom.

ISAK: MAGNUS!!

MAGNUS: What? We make the Ken's wear the ugly dresses and do the washing up and tidy up the camper and stuff. Nothing dirty. What do you think of me? Seriously? I am an awesome Dad.

ISAK: You are a filthy dirty fucker. That is a good plot for a book BTW. Can you file it away for later?

MAGNUS: The perfect twenty somethings go on a weekend away in a rented camper. The perfect weekend away turns ugly when the guy running the campsite turns out to be a kinky fucker. With ropes. Kind of a thriller erotic BDSM thing. With Camping equipment and rubber. You have to have rubber.

ISAK: Do I have to talk to Vilde and get you laid?

MAGNUS: Would you? Just drop her a hint. It’s been days. I’m perma horny. Can you write me something to get off to?

EVA: I am closing my eyes. There are things I do not want to visualize when it comes to my friends. @ me when you have calmed down.

ISAK: @Eva. BDSM Rubber kink camping parties in the forest. With dildo’s. Any added plotlines you would like to add?

EVA: La la a la lallalla lalalala.

MAGNUS: Don’t put more ideas in my head Isak. I’m all sweaty here and I have to teach year 2 algebra in 10 minutes. Give a dude a break.

ISAK: Love you guys.

EVA: Love you too. Now go rescue your Axel. And for fuck’s sake don’t let anyone get hurt. We haven’t even got to 30%. Smut first then pain and suffering. You know the rules Isak.

ISAK: Trust me. I know the rules.

ISAK: I might just break them too.

EVA: Don’t you dare.

EVA: I will personally resurrect Evie and go kick their asses if you hurt my boys. Please let Axel live. Again. Or is he dead? I’m confused now. God, I need wine. Is it bedtime yet? Need to go shout at the kids. Jonas is preparing his sermon for Sunday, and has to write 8 K of peace and serenity with the kids killing each other next door. It might not be a good Sunday. Speak later. Big kiss.

EVA: PS DO NOT HURT MY BOYS.


	9. The Man who played with flour...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait, but writing the Snowflake fic, and Christmas and work slayed me for a while. I am now back on track and you should be getting steady updates. Enjoy! xx

 

_’’You can’t be serious’’ Axel almost shouts. Because Jens is clearly a total fruit loop. Even though Axel understands what he is trying to do. He knows it is the right thing to do. The only way to do this._

_‘’The fjord is deep down there, they will never be found.’’ Jens is leaning against the railings, rickety wooden things desinged to keep people off the edge of the cliff overlooking the water. Not that they can see it, it is pitch dark, and the only light is coming off Jens mobile, which he is dismantling to remove the simcard._

_‘’You first. I am not unarming myself whilst you stand there with a fully functioning gun in your briefs. Bastard. ‘’ Axel can’t help it. He’s been all jittery and nervous since earlier when Jens blew up the petrol tank with a few well aimed shots. Turned the car into a fireball right next to them and just walked away like it was nothing, whilst Axel was crouching on the ground protecting a wailing Filip with his body._

_Axel had gone a bit nuts, there was no doubt about it. Screamed and shouted and put a few well placed punches into Jens’ back as he berated him for his incredible stupidity and immature stunts._

_‘’Axel.’’ Jens voice is calm. It drives Axel mad how calm he is. ‘’I would never ever hurt you or Filip. I need you more than you will ever need me. I need you to do this with me, it’s our only chance of getting our lives together and moving on. I need you, and I will not hurt you. Please stop being so jumpy. And look. Say goodbye to my pride and joy.’’_

_Just like that. Jens just digs into his waistband and hurls his gun high into the air, the swish of it breaking through the breeze in the trees._

_It would be easy, Axel thinks. He could get rid of him. No one would ever know. No one would ever miss this man in front of him. He is nobody. Right now, neither of them really exist._

_But the thought of being alone, of doing this on his own. Raising and protecting this child against whatever it is he is up against, well the thought of not having Jens by his side right now is filling him with fear. Irrational strange fear. Like it’s a friendship. Like he actually quite likes the simple fact that he is not doing this alone._

 

_‘’I have never been unarmed, not in the last 10 years. I feel really strange letting it go.’’ He whispers. It’s only a piece of metal. And should he need a gun, Axel is pretty sure he can figure out a way to get his hands on an illegal anonymous piece. He just has to dig a little. Be careful. Not leave any traces._

_‘’I know what you are thinking. No more guns. We are civilians now, and we are going to do this right, without leaving any doubts of who we are, which includes NOT ordering sawn-off shotguns on eBay. So, snap out of it babe. ‘’ If Axel could have seen Jens’ face he is pretty sure that he is laughing._

_‘’Babe’’ Axel mutters. ‘’Is that what we are to eachother? Babe?’’_

_‘’Throw your piece babe’’ Jens laughs. ‘’It’s time to start over. You and me. Mr and Mr Somerfeldt. Are you ready for a bit of domestic bliss my darling?’’_

_Axel's laugh is actually genuine. He laughs. Because even the notion of himself settled down with a husband and a baby is so ridiculous that he can barely get his head around it._

_The gun weighs heavy in his hand, the holster uncomfortably empty over his shoulder._

_‘’Just let it go. We won’t need it. I have got your back, and I hope that you will have mine too. At least for a while until we can figure this shit out. ‘’_

_Jens' voice is soothing. A little too close to Axel’s ear as he let’s his arm swing out behind him, and the gun flies silently into the air, a faint plop following seconds later as his gun starts it’s descent to the fjord floor._

_‘’There you go’’ Jens whispers and presses his lips against Axel's mouth. ‘’We’re free. ‘’_

Isak wakes up with a jolt. He is still half asleep and the bloody alarm on his phone is everywhere and the noise is giving him the jitters. He is not in his bed. And it is far too early to be morning. Not that Isak ever really sets his alarm anymore, the great perk of working for himself from home. Sonja always tells him to get himself into a strict routine but Isak doesn’t. He likes his freedom.

He also likes knowing where he is when he wakes up, especially right now when he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

The bed is empty. The memories hurl themselves back to him, relentlessly flooding his body with anxiety.

 

‘’Even?’’ he shouts into the darkness. ‘’Even?’’

 

‘’Down here’’ comes back from downstairs and Isak runs. Almost trips on his own feet stumbling down the stairs, only to turn around realizing he is only wearing a t-shirt and boxers. Not quite the attire for a working bakery.

Because Even is obviously baking, the smells of flour and butter drowning out everything else in the air. Faint smells of vanilla and spices wafting around the room.

‘’Can I borrow some trousers?’’ Isak shouts.

‘’You can come down naked for all I care.’’ Even laughs.

Not that Isak would. No. Not happening. But there are a pair of joggers in a drawer that look ok and a hoodie thrown on the sofa that Isak quickly seizes. It’s far too early. Cold. Rain still smattering against the windows outside.

 

Even though, he is freshly showered, his hair still wet under the blue hairnet. A clean apron tied around his waist and a shy smile on his face.

‘’You feeling a little better? ‘’ Isak asks. He doesn’t know what to say. What to do with his arms.

‘’Yeah. You’re here. That makes everything better.’’ Even says tentatively, and Isak just thinks fuck it. This is his dude. He remembers. So, he pretty much throws himself at Even, folding his arms around his neck and nuzzling into the skin on his neck.

‘’ Just stay here for a minute. Hugging me.’’ Even whispers. ‘’I need… I just want to stay like this for a while. Being with you. Hugging me.’’

‘’I’m good at hugs.’’ Isak says back. Feeling a little silly but fuck he doesn’t care. His hands moving steadily across Even’s back, strong caresses against the cotton shirt he is wearing. Letting his fingers twist in the apron strings around his waist.

‘’Isak?’’ Even asks. He is still not letting go. Even is holding onto Isak for dear life. Squeezing his arms around Isak’s torso to the point of Isak having to gasp for air.

‘’I… could you….Fuck I don’t know how to do this. ‘’ Even let’s go and Isak pulls him right back in.

‘’What do you need. I told you I am here. Talk to me.’’ Isak doesn’t know where all this bravery is coming from but he promised Tarek. He said he would look after Even. That he wouldn’t leave. That he would go all in and be straight up. Tell Even how he feels. Not play games. Not be stupid and lame.

‘’I’ve never kissed. Properly. Kissed someone I love. I mean, I kissed people before but it was never real. Like just party kissing. Stupid things at school. Not like this. ‘’

‘’Do you want a kiss?’’ Isak almost bursts into giggles. Not that he is laughing at Even. It’s just so sweet. Sincere. All those things that makes Isak’s stomach curl up into a little fluffy ball in his chest.

‘’It’s stupid. Forget I asked. ‘’ But Even is giggling too. A faint blush creeping over his cheeks.

‘’Not stupid. I love that we can talk about this. That you tell me what you want.’’ Isak is fidgeting. Grasping at the hem of Evens t-shirt. Fiddling with the cords of the apron. Licking the rim of his lips.

‘’What do you want Isak?’’ Even whispers.

‘’Me?’’ Isak can barely speak. And his lips are a little to close to Even’s mouth for him to be able to think straight. The edges of his vision a little fuzzy. His brain a little clouded from Even’s eyes being right there. Looking at him. Staring like he is staring straight into Isak’s soul or something like that.

‘’I want you.’’ He whispers. Lame. But true. ‘’I want to kiss you until I can’t breathe, then I want to stay with you and touch you and hug you all day and tell you all the things I like about you, and then I want to sleep in your bed with you every night. Holding you. Being all cuddly and….shit…’’

Even’s laughter kind of makes him snap out of his haze.

‘’God, I love you. You are just amazing. I need to read your books, if that is the kind of things you write. Because you just got me. Yes please. To all of that. All the time. Please.’’

Isak just buries his face in his hands, cringing a little at his pathetic mouth and the things that just spill out of his mouth when he lets himself go like that.

‘’Don’t’’ Even laughs and pries Isak’s hands from his face. ‘’Don’t hide from me. Not from me. I am the king of cringe, I can never control the stuff that comes out of my mouth. You are gorgeous, and you just made everything right. You said all the right words.’’ Even is speaking into Isak’s mouth again. Too close. Too much.

‘’Gonna kiss you now’’ Isak mumbles, his lips just nudging Even’s.

‘’No, I’m gonn…’’ Even doesn’t get to finish. No. Nope. Because if there is something Isak can do, it is kissing. Not that he has had much practice, but Eva taught him the basics when they were 14. She even demonstrated on Jonas when he had questions. He has kissed some awful kissers. He has been lucky enough to have someone kiss him to the point that he thought he would come in his pants from just the tongue action. But never like this. Never like he is right now.

 

Desperate and clingy, his brain is shouting but he doesn’t care as he pushes Even back towards the chillers, slamming his back into the cold steel.

‘’Love you’’ Even screeches between Isak’s teeth as he lunges right back in. Talking is overrated. Talking is totally unnecessary right now, especially since Isak’s leg is living a life of its own, trying to hump Even’s hip, and his hands are under Even’s shirt, and Wow. Fuck.

Even’s hands are down the back of Isak’s joggers. Kneading his bum. And Isak squeals. Whimpers. Attacks Even’s lips even harder. Twists his tongue around Evens, licking and tasting. Panting hard as he let’s go. Trying to breathe. He is a little lightheaded. A little fuzzy around the edges.

‘’Do that again.’’ Even demands. It is not a question. Not even close to a question as Even bends his legs and lifts Isak up. Slams him down on the top of the work counter, making the flour on the surface form a mushroom cloud around them.

‘’This is a food prep area’’ Isak squeals. ‘’Tarek told me…’’

‘’Yeah, and you are breakfast’’ Even huffs. Devouring Isak’s mouth again whilst Isak struggles to stop. To reign this in. To regain control.

‘’This is going to be a mess’’ Isak pants, sucking on Even’s bottom lip.

‘’Don’t care’’ Even huffs. And there goes the hoodie over Isak’s head. With the t-shirt. Cold air hitting Isak’s chest as Even just stands there, his hands on Isak’s shoulders. His eyes feasting on Isak’s skin.

‘’You’re creepy staring at me now’’ Isak whimpers.

‘’You’re fucking perfect.’’ Even whines. ‘’I don’t deserve you.’’

‘’You deserve everything’’ Isak whispers.

‘’Kiss me again’’ Even pants.

‘’I want you’’

 

‘’Ahhrght’’ That’s Isak. Arching his back as Even sucks his nipple into his mouth. His tongue flicking fast over the bud that is hardening under his assault.

And Isak pulls at Even’s hair. Tugs desperately to get Even’s mouth back. He is not done with the kissing. He is nowhere near done with the kissing.

 

The Apron has already fallen to the floor, now tangled desperately in-between Even’s feet. And Even’s t-shirt ends up hitting the oven doors, crumpling down in a heap on the floor.

There is skin against skin. Lips against lips. Spit and tongues and ridiculous loud moans that Isak can’t figure out if they are coming from his mouth or Even’s. It’s just perfect. Totally ridiculously perfect. If Isak was writing a sex scene this is exactly what he would write. Clouds of flour blowing under his hands as he loses his balance and falls back under Even’s relentless assault on his neck. Soft dough under the palm of his hand.

‘’Just ruined your loaf’’ Isak hisses and smashes the dough back down on the counter.

‘’Not ruined. It will just be like you. Perfectly Imperfect.’’

‘’Stop talking and kiss me’’

‘’Do that again’’

‘’ugh, I love you’’

‘’Fuck Isak’’

‘’You fucking wankers, this is a food preparation area.’’ Tarek slams his duffle bag down on the floor and crosses his arms. ‘’Sorry to cock-block you mate, but the Torshovshagen delivery man is sitting outside, and you are kind of being all…. disgusting. Don’t mind me but clothes? Hello? And wipe the fucking counter down when you’re done. I’ll be out front. ‘’

‘’Oops?’’ Isak giggles.

‘’Don’t mind Tarek, he will get over it.’’

‘’I’m bleaching my eyes right now’’ Tarek shouts from the staff bathroom. ‘’Please tell me how to unsee what I just saw. I mean there was innocent dough involved. It will never be the same.’’

‘’You love me Tarek. You do. You always tell me’’ Even laughs as he leans his head on Isak’s shoulder. Wraps his arms around Isak’s skin and rocks backwards and forwards.

‘’We should probably... get dressed.’’ Isak whimpers. His nose buried in Even’s hair. His arms kind of stuck around his shoulders. His lips stinging. He want’s more kissing. Lot’s more kissing.

‘’Just one more second. I love feeling you against me. Warm and soft. It’s like my body just calms down when we are like this. When you are holding me. It’s way better than drugs. I feel all floaty. Happy.’’

‘’Me too.’’ Isak whispers. ‘’You make me feel alive.’’

‘’Can we do this later? When we are done for the day?’’

‘’You mean make out in the kitchen with loads of flour everywhere?’’ Isak laughs and jumps down off the counter. It’s a mess. The whole room is a mess.

‘’Fuck yeah’’ Even laughs.

‘’Kinky bastard...’’ Isak starts, but Even just laughs and swats him with his t-shirt. Handing him the hoodie off the floor that is covered in white dust.

‘’We should probably sweep this up…’’

‘’Yeah. Hand me that broom.’’

‘’Isak?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Thank you. Thank you for being here for me. You don’t know how much it means to me that you are being brave. Because even attempting to be my friend is hard work. I know that.’’

‘’AMEN Brother’’ Tarik shouts. ‘’You are really hard to love dude. Especially when you are kind of half-naked with your tongue down some dude’s throat. ‘’

‘’You are amazing.’’ Isak whispers.

And Even just smiles. Pulls his shirt back over his head and lifts the dough up from the table. Shakes his head as he throws it in the bin.

‘’Health and safety rules.’’

And Isak smiles back. It’s been a good day. Or night. Because to be honest he hasn’t got a clue what time of day it is.


	10. The bravest man in the world.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggerwarnings: This chapter contains brief mentions of suicidal thoughts, and mentions of post traumatic stress disorder events. Nothing major but it is in there. Please do not read if this would upset you. The next chapter will pick up effortlessly with out reading this one if you want to avoid these topics. The note at the end contains a summary if you prefer not to read. xxx

TEN

 

MAGNUS: LOOK ISAK CAN YOU REPLY?

EVA: ISAK MUST REPLY

MAGNUS: Eva, I will head down to that bakery during my lunch break, I can’t take this anymore. Isak always replies. Unless he is dead.

EVA: Isak is not dead.

MAGNUS: His phone is dead. I am not getting the little ticks that the message has been delivered.

EVA: That my friend, is because @isak is getting LAID. And he hasn’t even thought about his long-suffering friends that are not getting ANY GOSSIP. Bastard.

MAGNUS: He obviously doesn’t love us anymore. This Even has stolen our best friend.

EVA: Don’t be over-dramatic Mags. Isak will come back. We have a book to finish.

MAGNUS: I am still going down to the bakery. I will ask for a selfie so we can at least fangirl over supermarket man.

EVA: You wouldn’t, you have no fucking shame Mags.

EVA: Fangirl (LOL)

MAGNUS: EVA! No swearing! Vilde says I am the biggest fangirl on the planet. You have seen my Taylor Swift poster? Haven’t you?

EVA: Jonas doesn’t read my chats so I can take the Lord’s name in vain as much as I want here. Besides Jonas still swears, when he thinks I can’t hear him. Hahahahah. And you have no taste. Taylor Swift. I mean. Hello.

MAGNUS: Who is the hottest bird on the planet then? If not Taylor?

EVA: I like Sigrid. She is hot.

MAGNUS: Who?

EVA: Ask your students to show you.

MAGNUS: Ehhr. NO.

EVA: Google my dear. Just google.

MAGNUS: Heyyyy. Hallå Sigrid! *Prints picture* *selects Poster size* *attaches to fridge in the teachers’ lounge*

 

 

‘’Are you awake baby?’’ Isak is whispering. He doesn’t really want to wake Even up, but the thought of leaving and Even not knowing where he is, is making Isak feel sick.

He is just going to go home and pick up his laptop. His charger and some clothes. The remains of his fridge. His toothbrush.

Which feels a bit creepy because Isak has basically decided to move in with Even until he is feeling better. He is not leaving. He just isn’t. But he hates the idea of Even waking up and finding Isak gone, even though Even has barely slept for an hour.

He has still left a note next to Even, tucked it safely in under the pillow so it won’t get lost. He has left another one on the coffee-table. And a third note is on the stairs. Just in case.

Even had lasted until just before lunchtime, baking away in the back whilst Tarek manned the shop and Isak ran between the two of them doing whatever he could do to help. He has brewed enough coffee to feed half of Oslo, and it feels like they have, a steady stream of customers coming in through the doors, helping themselves to a cup of coffee whilst Tarek chatted excitedly with the regulars, and sold the baked goods faster than Even could get them out of the oven and into the baskets that Isak would bring into the back and return to Tarek filled with warm buns straight out of the oven. Wholemeal croissants filled with home made jam, Skolebrod topped with lime laced icing instead of the traditional coconuts, and rye rolls that Tarik would carefully wrap, adding a knife, butter and tiny sachets of Even’s home-made jam.

Isak is starving. He hasn’t stopped apart from a few mouthfuls of coffee, tasting the brew before filling up the urns in the shop.

It had taken a while for Isak to notice the grey tint on Even’s skin. How his eyes couldn’t focus. How he didn’t say a word as his arms moved aimlessly around in the piles of flour in front of him.

He felt awful for not noticing sooner, even Tarek had taken one look at Even and shouted for him to stop. To just give in. Go to bed. Told him in that stern voice of his that Isak and Tarek would manage just fine without him. ‘’Enough Even’’ he had said. ‘’Enough is enough.’’

So Even had gone to bed and now it was finally quiet. Tarek was in the back, setting tomorrows doughs, and the afternoon after school staff were in the front, dressed in cheery yellow aprons as they leaned back on the counter checking their phones.

‘’I just need to pop home and get some stuff so I can work here. My phone is dead and I need clothes that fit.’’ He had said to Tarek, holding up the joggers that were once again threatening to fall down from his hips. He needs his own clothes. His laptop. His stuff.

Mostly he needs Even, and there is a little voice in Isak’s head that just wants to slam the door to the bakery shut, screaming for everyone to go home so he can just go upstairs and curl up around Even and forget that the rest of the world exists.

‘’You need to write him a note, he won’t trust me if he wakes up and you are not here. He will get really anxious that you are not coming back. It’s not good for him. You need to tell him you are going, and that you are coming back. ‘’ Tarek sounds tired. Exhausted.

‘’You are a good friend’’ Isak says. Because Tarek is. He loves Even. Cares about him. Looks after him in all the ways Isak doesn’t yet understand.

‘’Even has been my support person for the last couple of years. Without him I would not be here today.’’ Tarek says. With a smile. Which makes Isak feel a bit uneasy, I mean what do you reply to that? Without it being intrusive and creepy?

‘’I have had some mental health issues, and Even has held my hand through the worst months of my life. Held me when I cried and let me sleep on his sofa when I just couldn’t cope. He gave me a job when the rest of the world saw me as unemployable. He made me admit myself to hospital when I was verging on falling over the edge. He understands me better than I understand myself, and I will always be grateful that I found him. That he agreed to sponsor me and be my support. He saved my life more times than he will ever realize and I will not let him fall. Ever. ‘’

Tarek smiles again. Shrugs his shoulders. Whilst Isak stands there with water pooling in his eyes. He is exhausted. Emotional, and he didn’t think he could love Even more than he does, but he thinks he is falling. Irrevocably. In love with this man sleeping upstairs. The man who Isak kissed. His Even. Even is pretty awesome. Amazing.

‘’He’s amazing. No biggie Isak, we are all quite open here. Everyone working here are former patients of the Sunflower Trust, the group home for young people with mental health issues. We all know who we are and understand our strengths and limits. And we talk about it, because it is nothing to be ashamed about, not always being perfect.’’

‘’Thank you’’ Isak says, and suddenly he is shivering. He is tired. Overwhelmed. Emotional. ‘’Thank you for telling me and making me understand. I’m not perfect either. Nobody is. ‘’

‘’Exactly’’ Tarek smiles and points towards the shop. ‘’You have customers and we are out of coffee. See? Go fill the urns and go get your shit. I’ve got you. Just go tell Even. ‘’

‘’Ok’’ Isak smiles. And turns to face Magnus standing there with a grin on his face and an empty paper cup in his hand.

 

 

_‘’Give a guy a warning next time’’ Axel says softly. Not that he minds. Strangely he doesn’t seem to mind._

_Normally his body would have pushed back. He’s not an affectionate person. He’s never been touchy feely and one of those people who reaches out and hugs his friends. No Axel prefers to keep his distance, staying alert and in control at all times._

_Yet when Jens pulls away from him his body almost wants to reach out and pull him back in. Ask for another kiss. Maybe just lean in and steal another one._

_It was a good kiss, he tells himself. Soft and comforting in the middle of the quiet darkness, the only sound coming from the soft movement of the trees above their head, the sound of the fjord moving below them. The soft plop as Axel’s holster joins his gun at the bed of the fjord. Jens pulling his own holster from under his jeans, throwing it effortlessly through the air._

_Filip moves softly in his sleep, still snuggled up tight under his clothes, held in place by the belt he has strapped around his chest and the shirt that supports his arms. Filip is warm against his chest, snuggling comfortable against his skin. It’s just him now. Well him and Filip and… Jens._

_He understands. Strangely he does. He always thought that when the day came and he would go, get cut loose from all he had ever known, that he would be alone. All alone._

_It always terrified him, and to be honest he had thought about just ending it. Just cutting his losses and bowing out of the unknown in favour of taking the cowards way out. Putting a well-placed bullet where it would end all the darkness that festered in his brain on those cold nights when everything seemed worthless. But Axel is grateful. He doesn’t quite know how to put it into words yet, without sounding corny and weird to a guy he barely knows. But he is fucking grateful that Jens did this, that he decided to come with him. To do this together. Support eachother and play this game for a while until they figure out what is going on._

_He doesn’t quite know how to put the warmth in his chest into words either. There were a few moments today when Axel was terrified. Not for himself, but for this little kid in his arms. He kind of understands love. He has loved Evie as long as he can remember breathing. Loved her with every little molecule in his heart. But this is different, this unconditional fear paralyzing his body at the sheer thought of something happening to Filip. His son. His little boy._

_The DNA, he knows full well will not be his. But Evie’s is as close to his as it will ever be. This boy will grow up being his. Knowing he is loved and protected and safe, there will be none of the things that Axel experienced growing up. No screams in the night, no nightmares, no strangers and worries where he will sleep at night. Axel won’t allow it. Never._

_‘’You need to get used to me snogging you in public. ‘’ Jens laughs, ‘’I’m a bit of a snuggler me. And if we are going to pull off being a married couple with a baby, we need to look like one. Down to the matching headlamps.’’ Axel hadn’t noticed but Jens is digging under the branches pulling out a bag hidden in the undergrowth._

_‘’We have about 40 minutes treck up the back here, before we can rest for a while. Are you all right carrying Filip? I’ can take him for a bit if you want. He needs to get used to me too. His other Daddy.’’_

_Jens is holding out the headlamp, dangling from his fingers, his own switched on strapped to his head, already blinding Axel’s vision._

_‘’Are we both going to be Daddy? Or Papa and Daddy? Dad one and Dad two?’’ Axel doesn’t know if he is serious or not. This conversation is so out of his comfort zone that it’s not even funny, but he supposes he is a different Axel now. Someone who doesn’t have to reign himself in. Live by all the rules that life has thrown at him, boxing himself into his own little personal prison of how he should behave. What kind of person people expect him to be._

_‘’We could go all modern and just be Axel and Jens._ _Or Pappa Axel and Pappa Jens.’’ Jens looks happy. His face beaming under the harsh light from Axel’s headlamp now shining at him. ‘’I never thought I would be a dad. Never even saw it as an option.’’ Jens is pulling a pair of gloves on his hands, handing a matching pair to Axel as he discards the bag into the fjord below them._

_‘’Is that because you are gay? That you thought you would never have kids? Or because of the job?’’ Axel almost blushes at himself. It just seems too personal, asking things like this, especially since Jens is practically a colleague. Who he has now kind of married. He bursts out laughing to himself, shaking his head as Jens leads the way, climbing the steep embankment heading away from the edge of the fjord._

_‘’I’m not gay.’’ Jens replies. ‘’You can laugh all you want, I couldn’t care less.  I just liked you. I liked the carefree attitude, your bravery and that you basically didn’t give a fuck who you fucked. In a way I envied you, living like that when I was living my life trapped in fear of forming attachments with anyone. This is going to sound fucked up, I know that Axel, but I’ll say it anyway. Because you are kind of stuck with me now, so you will just have to get used to me and how my head works. ‘’_

_Jens falls quiet as he grabs onto the branches over their heads to stabilize himself climbing the rocks in front of them._

_‘’We could have driven a bit further’’ Axel moans. He knows. In reality he knows. They had to ditch the car, and approaching wherever they are staying the night by car is a stupid idea. Walking is better, especially since they ditched all their stuff in the burning inferno that was the car, and dumped anything that could pinpoint their direction. They could be anywhere, but he trusts Jens. He might moan, but he does trust him. He has no choice._

_‘’Stop whinging. We’re almost at the top. We are going to approach the residential area from the back, they are mostly empty cabins this time of year. The cabin to the left is inhabited year round by a pensioner, but the man is almost totally deaf. The cabin that will appear on our right is deserted, used for Airbnb but not booked up for weeks. I hacked the site just in case. We are right behind it with no windows facing the other cabins so we can safetly move around with none watching. The owners are in Oslo, I checked and their car has engine trouble. They won’t be using the cabin this weekend. What a shame.’’_

_Axel smiles in the dark. Little sarcastic fucker this Jens._

_‘’You were saying about not being gay?’’ Axel can’t help it. He is curious. How can he not be? ‘’Why the hell would you even think of being married to me if you are not Gay? Or at least on the spectrum or maybe you are?’’_

_‘’I told you. I liked you. And I thought that maybe if you were the person I thought you might be, deep down under all the shields and layers and personas you hide behind, maybe you could like me too. Maybe we would be good for eachother. Gay or not, we fit. You and me. And Filip. ‘’_

_‘’I don’t know what to say to that.’’ Axel is only honest. I mean how can he not be._

_‘’I’m a little messed up. I have a truck load of baggage that I struggle to deal with, and although I was very good at being an agent, I have never done anything else with my life. I have never had a hobby or gone on holiday or done all those things that normal people do. I have worked with the agency since I was barely out of my teens, and apart from running operations and hacking websites and making up new identities for people, I have no life skills. I don’t know how to be a normal person anymore. I need help. I need you to help me do this, because I don’t think I can do this on my own. Start over like a normal human being.’’_

_‘’Jens, if you knew what goes on in my head you would run a million miles away from me. I am not a good person. I am probably just as messed up as you. I don’t know quite how to say this without sounding cheesy, but, Fuck. I think. ‘’ Axel needs to catch his breath. Dangling on a cliffedge hanging on by a flimsy branch with a baby strapped to his chest._

_‘’I won’t be giving you any blowjobs or fucking your arse in the shower if that is what you are thinking.'' Jens voice is strained. '' But I will be your friend. And I will probably love the shit out of you, because you are pretty adorable. Dorky and weird and you don’t trust me, but I think If you tried. If you let me try, I think you would love me a little too. ‘’_

_‘’I don’t take it up the arse’’ Axel starts, but he stops himself and grabs Jens arm. ‘’Stop. Just stop.’’_

_‘’Sorry’’ Jens whispers._

_‘’Don’t be.’’ Axel says. Looking at Jens. Waiting. Wondering where they go from here. Exhaling with relief when Jens finally speaks._

_‘’I need someone to look after me. And I need someone to love me. Just let me be who I am and give me a hug at night when my nightmares freak me out. I have post-traumatic stress disorder in so many different ways that the agency doctor refused to diagnose me. I almost killed the last girl I allowed to spend the night in my bed, I woke up choking her and I didn’t know what I was doing. I am hard work Axel, and I can’t be on my own. I wouldn’t last more than a month before I lost the plot. I need you. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was desperate and I thought, I thought you are strong. You are brave, and being with you would make me feel safe. Maybe if I felt safe I would cope better. It’s selfish, and cowardly, but that’s the truth. I got to know you through working on your file, and I got the idea of being with you in my head, and I panicked a little. Jumped into this without even considering if you would agree to it. Then things went to shit and I had to get you out. I had to get Filip out and myself eliminated in the process. So here we are. Sorry. I talk too much.’’_

_It’s strange how young Jens suddenly looks. How fragile and pale he looks in the sharp light from Axels headlamp, standing in the middle of a forest on the edge of a cliff._

_Axel believes him. He might not fully trust him, but he understands, because the words Jens just vomited out of his mouth at full speed could have been him telling Axel’s story. Minus the part of not being gay and maybe he would consider taking it up the arse one day, but that is not important right now._

_‘’I once woke up trying to throw someone out the window. Except I was trying to push them into the bathroom, but in my head, I was trying to throw them out the window. It scared me to the point that I never brought a hook up home to my flat again.’’ Axel’s voice is quiet. He has never told anyone that before. Not even Camilla, the agency psychiatrist, who he would otherwise trust with all his secrets. Most of his lies._

_‘’It was in your file. The guy reported it to the police. The agency pulled the complaint.’’_

_Jens is just standing there. Looking deflated. Exhausted. It’s been a long day. It’s been the longest day of Axel’s life If he is very honest._

_‘’Come here’’ Axel whispers. ‘’Careful with Filip.’’_

_It’s comforting having another body against yours. Arms around your back. The warmth of another person’s breath against your neck, another heart beating so close to yours._

_‘’Thank you.’’ Jens whispers against his shoulder. ‘’I needed a hug.’’_

_‘’Thank you for coming with me, for not sending me away on my own. I think it would have killed me.’’_

_Axel never speaks like this, bearing his soul to a near stranger. It feels almost surreal, but then this is Jens. Jens who makes him speak when normally he wouldn’t. Jens who scares the shit out of him. Jens who is probably the bravest person he has ever met._

_Jens who he thinks he could learn to love. And that is fucked up on so many levels that Axel doesn’t even know where to start. Jens._

_Axel let’s his head fall onto the damp fabric on Jens’ shoulder. His nose resting in the messy nest of hair long enough to curl on Jens’ collar. He lets himself relax for the first time in weeks, as Filip kicks out at being uncomfortably squashed between the two of them. He squeaks. Pushes his little arms against their chests. Wails when they don’t let go._

_‘’Let’s get Filip inside so we can feed him. We probably only have another 10 minutes’ walk through the clearing over there.’’ Jens voice is gravelly. Soft. Not quite steady. His cheek a little wet._

_Axel can’t think of anything to say. So, he reluctantly lets his arms fall to his sides, missing the warmth of Jens against him as soon as he takes a step back. He can’t think straight. Can’t get his brain to function. He is not sharp. Not clearheaded and focused. Not that it matters right now, because Axel just follows blindly as Jens heads off towards the lights in the distance._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary for those who chose not to read this chapter. 
> 
> Magnus and Eva cant get hold of Isak and Magnus decides to investigate the bakery to find Isak.  
> Even goes to bed, exhausted after working all morning. Isak worries about leaving to get his things. 
> 
> Axel and Jens start to talk, Jens declares he is not gay but felt Axel would be good for him, protecting him from himself. Axel starts to fall for Jens' undeniable charms, his bravery fragilety and strength. And thinks he might one day might want to take it up the arse. Ahem.


	11. The man with the project.

 

’’What are you doing here?’’

Isak kind of knows. He has known Magnus most of his life, and yeah. Right.

Magnus just grins and cocks his head towards Tarek.

‘’Is this the infamous Supermarket-man then? Are you not going to introduce us?’’

‘’Oh No’’ Tarek almost shouts out. ‘’Wrong dude. Hi mate, I’m Tarek, and who are you? Mind your step, Isak, there is freaking jam on the floor. Get the mop, will you?’’

‘’Magnus’’ Magnus says, looking around the room, like he is expecting Even to be hiding in a cupboard or something. Not even flinching as Isak whirls past him trying to mop the floor whilst holding onto his joggers with one hand. He needs to go get his own clothes. Fuck this. It’s not even funny.

‘’Even is asleep upstairs. I will introduce you another time, now can I get you a coffee or a bun or something? Magnus?’’ Isak is kind of desperate. He loves seeing Magnus, but now is not the time. Now is just the worst time.

‘’Oh, I don’t mind waiting. I have year 3 algebra at 2, but I can hang around for a while. What are you baking there mate?’’ Magnus has no sense. Honestly.

‘’This is a slow rising rye sourdough that we stick in the chillers overnight, so it rises super slowly, enough that we can bake it first thing in the morning. It’s really chewy. Ask Viktoria out there, she will get you one to try. ‘’ Tarek doesn’t seem bothered, whilst Isak is now almost jumping up and down with anxiety.

‘’Magnus, I need to go, I have to go get my stuff, and get back here before Even wakes up. Honestly Magnus. Can I walk you out? ‘’

Tarek just laughs as Magnus leans over and washes his hands in the staff sink. Wipes them carefully on a paper-towel, before grabbing a hairnet and pulling it over his hair. ‘’Can I watch? I love baking. Honestly. It’s like my favourite thing. So, you mix this slop here up, and what goes in it?’’

Magnus has never even baked a biscuit. Honestly. And Isak could scream. Whilst Tarek seems mildly amused and happily starts explaining ingredients and fermenting processes and the preference of stoneground versus steel cut flour processing. Isak just shakes his head.

‘’I can’t leave you here’’ He squeals.

‘’Of course, you can. I am going to hang out and learn to bake with Tarek here, then I am going to slay with my epic algebra pop-quiz at 2 and then afterwards you are going to explain to me how you disappear for 2 days and don’t charge your phone in the middle of a very important book being written and a blossoming romance with the most epic of mystery men: Supermarket man.’’

Magnus jazz hands and blown wide eyes are not funny. They are not even a little bit funny. Yet Tarek is squealing with laughter and patting Magnus back, whilst Magnus has now hung up his jacket and is poking his finger in the dough in front of them.

‘’You are just nosy.’’ Isak sighs. ‘’I have no privacy.’’

‘’You are hopeless that’s why.’’ Magnus sounds serious as well. ‘’You wouldn’t survive without myself and Eva and Jonas. And Vilde. She is coming in to check out Even tomorrow. We will all take turns to come here and embarrass you until you introduce us properly. Then you are coming for dinner so we can get to know this Even and make sure he is being good to you.’’

‘’I’ll be good to him, at least I’ll try.’’

Isak hadn’t even noticed Even sitting on the bottom steps, wrapped up in a knitted jumper with a hat on his head, trying to put another hoodie on top of the jumper. He looks like a kid, his arms helplessly tugging at the sleeves, getting tangled inside the bunched-up fabric.

‘’Oh my God, Are you Even?’’ Magnus squeals and marches over, reaching his hand out to shake Even’s. Except he doesn’t. He grabs his hand and tugs him up into a hug, making Even laugh out loud, a little embarrassed as he meets Isak’s eye across Magnus back.

Whilst Isak is dying. Big deaths of embarrassment.

‘’Even this is my best friend Magnus, who lives to embarrass me. I have known him since we were in the same nursery group and they made us share a double pram. He is also a very talented writer, my main beta-reader and he teaches Maths at Nissen.

‘’I am also on a mission to take a selfie with you to send to our third, Eva, who works with Isak and my self on all our projects.’’ Magnus sounds so professional that Isak just blushes. Projects? Really?

‘’Selfie?’’ Even looks at Isak again, and Isak goes all warm inside. Because he can kind of read Even. He understands the look in his eyes. And just that tiny bit makes Isak’s insides go all mushy, because this is his baby. His Even. And Even clearly needs rescuing. Needs to be taken away from here because it is just a bit much. Isak gets it. And Isak knows exactly how Even feels, because he needs this too. Just some space. A hug. A big dose of Even to calm his body back into some kind of functioning state.

‘’Magnus, I need to take Even out and get my clothes and my laptop, so we can get back here and do the closing later. I will chat to you later when I have had the chance to look at our….project.’’ Isak winks. Magnus smiles into his camera as Even cracks a cheesy smile next to him. And Tarek leans over and grabs Isak’s arm.

‘’Go’’ He says. ‘’Take Even out with you and don’t worry about a thing. A change of scenery will do him good.’’ Tarek winks. Squeezes Isak’s arm. Then turns to Magnus and pulls him over towards the chillers.

‘’Now, Magnus was it? I am going to teach you how to make these little rye knots that we make especially for a local nursery. They asked for little healthy rolls that would be appealing for little hands to enhance their fine-motor-skills, using their pincher grip to rip them apart when eating. That way we are introducing several methods of learning into their meals. I am studying to become a pre-school teacher, and this kind of shit is what get’s me going in the morning. ‘’

‘’Let’s go’’ Isak mouths to Even who pulls his hat further down over his head, letting the hood cover the top of the patterned knit.

‘’I want to come with you’’ Even whispers. ‘’I don’t want to be alone.’’

‘’You will never be alone. I am right here. I need to get some of my stuff so I can stay with you.’’ They close the door to the shop, waving casually to the girls behind the counter.

‘’Please’’ Even says. His hands are deep in his pockets. His eyes firmly on Isak. ‘’Please stay with me.’’

‘’I’m not going anywhere. Where ever you are I will be.’’

Isak means it as well. The nerves in his chest calmed down the minute Even appeared behind him, and Isak doesn’t even think before tugging on Even’s jacket. Pulling him towards him, angling his head up so he can press his lips against the mouth in front of him. Just a soft press of skin, whilst their noses bump against eachother and he can feel Even’s smile. How his lips are wide and his dimples have popped all over his cheeks.

‘’Will you show me where you live?’’ He smiles.

‘’Yeah. We might even have time to have a cuddle. If you feel like it. ‘’

‘’I’m..I. There is something else I should probably tell you.’’

They are walking down the sidewalk, Even’s hand reaching out for Isak’s as they pass a mother with a pram. A few random people passing, busy on their phones.

‘’You can tell me anything Even.’’ Isak says. He means it. There is probably nothing that Even could say now that would change Isak’s mind about how he feels. How Even is in his blood. How he is falling in love. How his heart feels lost with all this onslaught of emotions he has suddenly discovered that he had hidden within himself. It’s terrifying, just knowing that this is how love feels, and that if he lost this. Isak doesn’t think he would survive. That is how intense this is. The feelings in his chest. The thoughts that are crowding his brain. The fingers that are stroking the skin on his hand.

‘’I’m not very experienced with other people. I’ve never done this before. With another man.’’

Isak shrugs his shoulders. ‘’It doesn’t matter. I have never done this with you. You have never done this with me. We just have to figure this out. Slowly. No pressure. All Chill.’’

‘’You speak like the kids I work with’’ Even laughs. ‘’All Chill’’

‘’I don’t think I’ve ever really grown up’’

‘’I can tell, your friend Magnus is funny. I would have loved to have a friend like that, who drops everything to go and check out the guy my friend is hanging out with. To see if the guy is OK. Looking after his friend.’’

‘’That’s Magnus. You should meet his wife. She will love bomb you with hugs and make you talk about your feelings before you have even gotten your shoes off.’’

‘’So back to the cuddling.’’ Even winks. His dimples popping again.

‘’I’m going to take you home and make you lie down on my bed. Then I am going to lie next to you and kiss you until I have kissed you enough. And then, I am going to kiss you some more.’’

 

_Jens has barely met his eye since he opened the door to the cabin. He had just walked inside, fiddling around with the electricity cupboard until the room bathed in light, fiddling with the wood burner until there was smoke bellowing from the chimney outside. Probably not the wisest of moves but Axel will just have to trust Jens to handle any nosy neighbours checking up on the neighbouring cabins. It’s late anyway and Filip's nappy was just a mess and the kid seems perfectly content lying naked on a towel in front of the fire, kicking his legs and squealing at the flames painting shapes on the ceiling._

_‘’He’s cute’’ Jens says. He still won’t look at Axel._

_‘’He’s ours.’’ Axel replies. Because he needs to try. Try to make this at least bearable for both of them. And Jens words made sense. Because if there is something Axel craves more than life itself, it is having someone love him. Just thinking that makes him shiver with embarrassment but Jens spoke the truth, and Axel will buy it. If this is a chance he has, to have a partner in crime to figure out what he will do with the rest of his life, then Axel is going to grab it. Because this chance might not come around again._

_‘’I hear what you said earlier. And I get it. I understand.’’ It’s a start. Axel is crap at feelings. He is really bad at speaking the truth. Letting himself think about what he is actually feeling, instead of just pushing everything to the back of his mind and drowning out the noise in his head with things that mean nothing._

_‘’Thank you.’’ Jens whispers._

_‘’Do you want to take the bed?’’ There is only one bed, tucked in the corner, and a sofa in front of the fire. A box with supplies that Jens must have left earlier, along with a baby sling, and some kind of colourful contraption that Jens is attempting to assemble._

_‘’I’ll stay on the sofa, I won’t sleep much anyway. I won’t really be able to relax until we are home.’’_

_‘’Home? We have a home?’’_

_‘’Yeah, I hope you will like it. I haven’t seen it yet but the pictures looked amazing. Perfect views, a renovation gig but that will keep us busy for a while whilst we establish ourselves in the community.’’_

_Jens swears under his breath as the contraption collapses in his hands. Kicks the metal and Axel can’t help smiling._

_‘’You are doing well. What is that thing anyway?’’_

_‘’A slimline easy-fit travel cot. Basically, a box to stick Filip in so we don’t accidentally throw him out the window in the middle of the night. Poor kid stuck with us for parents. You have no chance kiddo. You are going to have the best life, as long as you survive the first night in this thing. Axel, Help. I can’t bloody do it.’’_

_‘’So. you can hack Airbnb and torch a car in one shot, but you can’t erect a travel cot?’’ Axel winks. I mean the handle says ‘’pull here to erect’’. They didn’t lie when they said it was a one hand erection on the box. Who the hell approved the byline on that box anyway?_

_‘’Thank God one of us has sense’’ Jens smiles and hunches down next to Filip._

_‘’Now babaay Filip, Pappa Jens is going to try to fit his first ever solo nappy, and then we are going to find you a Babygro to wear that is not covered in poop. And yes, Pappa Axel threw your old Babygro in the fire because it was rank and Pappa Jens agrees because we will just buy you new ones because we can ok babbba? Yes. Pappa Axel is clever. Clever Pappa Axel. ‘’_

_Filip just coos and Axel leaves the room. I mean Jens. Clearly a total fruit loop._

_They go to bed in silence. It’s awkward still, not knowing what to do. How to behave. What to say._

_Filip is safely tucked in the travel cot, fast asleep with a belly full of formula milk. Axel is lying on top of the bedsheets, still fully dressed. He could do with a shower but the thought of getting naked and clean feels so frighteningly remote that he can’t quite bring himself to do it._

_He can hear Jens tossing and turning on the sofa a few meters away. Huffing as his body struggles to settle._

_‘’Jens, what triggers your PTSD episodes? Do you know?’’_

_‘’Sudden movement. Sounds. Sometimes smells, the waft of chilli in the air. Motorcycles revving. I have a few strong triggers. Some that are random. Sometimes I don’t even realize until later what set me off. What about you? Anything I should be aware off’’_

_‘’Touching me when I’m asleep. I was always fine sleeping with Evie, because she would always be curled around me, but if I am sleeping on my own and someone grabs me I sometimes trip. It’s not pretty. Smells is a big one for me. And high-pitched screams. Broken glass.’’_

_Jens is moving. His footfall hard against the floor as he sits down on the edge of the bed next to Axel. The soft mattress dipping as he moves his body, trying to find a comfortable place._

_‘’We need to work on things. Make sure we don’t hurt eachother. ‘’_

_‘’I know.’’_

_‘’I will never ever hurt you or Filip. You have to believe me. And I know you don’t fully trust me, but I hope that you will. That I will earn your trust and respect.’’_

_‘’I would never hurt you either. It’s you and me now.’’_

_Axel doesn’t quite know why, but he still does it. Curls his hand around Jens neck and pulls him towards him. Rolls his body so that Jens fits against him._

_He’s stiff as a board. Apprehensive. Axel doesn’t blame him. It’s a bit of a shit thing to pull on a dude who has just told him that he doesn’t swing this way. But Axel needs this. For once he needs to feel safe._

_‘’Needed a hug. Sorry’’ He mumbles into Jens’ hair._

_‘’S’okay’’ Jens whispers. His body relaxing as he speaks. Arms curling around Axels waist. Warm breaths against his chest. ‘’Can I stay here? If I just hold you while you sleep? Would that be ok?’’_

_‘’I think so’’ Axel isn’t sure. Right now, he is not sure about anything. Apart that he likes this. He likes the idea of this a lot._

_There is a blanket on the side that Axels fingertips brush against. He grabs. Unfolds and shakes as the fabric enfolds their bodies. Jens’ leg landing heavily on Axel’s thigh. Axels knee pressed up under Jens‘ groin. Their chests tight against each other’s bodies._

_‘’I won’t do anything, I just need to know you are here’’ Axel whispers._

_He is over dramatic. Exhausted. His body refusing to settle down._

_‘’Sleep. I’ve got you.’’ Jen’s mumbles._

_So, he does. He sleeps, whilst his head is full of chaos. His arms flaying through the air when his dreams wake him up, finding himself panting with exhaustion as Jens crawls onto his lap. Soothes his panic with his hands around Axel’s face. Noses pressed together as Jens speaks into his mouth. Words of calm and comfort. Telling him to breathe. Calm. He’s got him. Jens has got him. Weary and drenched in sweat, he let’s himself fall. Rest helplessly in the warmth of the body pressed against his back._

_He wakes up as the sun rises through the windows, the movement from the trees making the sunlight glitter through the glass. He is damp with sweat. Confused and rattled._

_‘’Jens” he shouts. He is not panicking. He is not. He doesn’t understand why his body is betraying him like this. How he is terrified of having been left alone._

_The travel cot is empty. And there is not a sound to be heard._

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut coming up. And more.  
> Thanks for the lovely comments and kudos. Much appreciated. Love that you are all reading along! xx


	12. The man who crashed and burned.

 

EVA: God he is a handsome chap that Even. Even Jonas got a bit flustered! Isak you have done good nailing that hottie. Kudos.

MAGNUS: I didn’t have the chance to speak much to him but he clearly wants to bone our Isak. You know like he had that fire in his eyes. Hands all over him.

EVA: Oh, sounds hot. You will have to film them for me, just a little snippet.

MAGNUS: I am not going to film them boning. I can write you a scene though?

EVA: No no no, just film them together. Maybe a little kiss. Blowing me a kiss. Make Even say ‘Hello Eva’. Has Even got a sexy deep voice?

MAGNUS: Smouldering. I would probably get a boner if he talked dirty to me.

ISAK: I am right here. You do remember that I am in this group chat.

MAGNUS: Yes of course. Now listen to this.

ISAK: Please don’t.

MAGNUS: Even let his fingertip trace over Isak’s hard length, his tongue lapping at the slit that was pulsing pre-come from Isak’s wide length, his manhood angry and red jutting out from his body like a totem pole.

ISAK: SHUUUUT UPPPPP

EVA: Hot stuff. Isak does your manhood resemble a totem pole?

EVA: I can’t think if I have ever seen your manhood. I must have, we had swimming lessons at school.

ISAK: PLEASE STOP

MAGNUS: Even’s eyes were firmly fixed on Isak’s as he took the wide girth of Isak’s joystick between his luscious lips.

EVA: Oh god I am crying. Joystick? Seriously. Isak make him stop.

ISAK: Trust me I am trying

MAGNUS: There are ways to make this stop.

ISAK: I will not tell you if we have done the deed or if Even’s cock is 7 inches long.

EVA: Even has a huge cock?

MAGNUS: Dudes like Even are bound to have a massive cock. It’s all or nothing with dudes. Even has the voice, the take-me-to-bed eyes, kissing-lips and a massive cock. And he has the hots for Isak. It’s not fair.

EVA: Magnus you have the hottest wife on the planet. Remember? I know, I have snogged her and seen her naked.

MAGNUS: I know. I’m just saying. Like. Out of interest. Doing research. I need to know these things to write gay porn.

ISAK: Magnus. You want to bang him. Admit it.

MAGNUS: Fuck off. I am only bi-curious for your books, you know that. I only get a boner for dudes on paper.

ISAK: LOL

MAGNUS: It’s true. I am very secure in my sexuality and I can freely admit to being flexisexual in my head. And my wife knows. You can’t blackmail me on this.

EVA: I am chatting with Vilde as we speak. Flexisexual. God, I love you Magnus. Have I told you today?

ISAK: Don’t tell him. He will become flexi sexual for you too Eva. I only have the hots for Even. I like a simple life. And that is all I am going to tell you.

MAGNUS: You are taking the piss out of me. I am opening up and admitting my inner secrets to you and you are just laughing at me.

ISAK: I am not laughing. I love you. In a totally platonic way. And I love that I can get you off on paper.

MAGNUS: I am going to do a Facebook status. ‘’Magnus Fossbakken is getting off with Isak Valtersen- on paper’’

ISAK: You are friends with the headmaster of Nissen on Facebook. Your boss. Not appropriate.

MAGNUS: Oh yes. Tell me again why I am friends with my boss on FB?

ISAK: Because you call him ‘’Hot Stuff’’ and screenshot his holiday snaps. The ones where he wore tiny briefs. Then you wrote the Kristoffer in the Stallion based totally on him. It was slightly embarrassing. You even wanted to name him Kristoffer Nissen.

MAGNUS: Don’t remind me. It was slightly embarrassing.

EVA: Issy have you got a new chapter for us? That cliff-hanger was nasty. Please tell me Jens is coming back. And give your Even a big kiss from me.

ISAK: He is asleep on my chest.

EVA: Is he OK?

ISAK: He is OK. I’m taking him home in a while when he wakes up.

MAGNUS: You are still laughing at me. I can tell.

ISAK: I am not laughing at you Mags. I love you. Please come and see me for lunch tomorrow again and I will make you a sandwich and get Tarek to make some of the chocolate twist thingies, they are like Danish pastry with chocolate chips and orange peel bits with some glaze and they are fucking lethal.

MAGNUS: You have a date. I’m still sulking though. You are not taking me seriously.

ISAK: Mags. So. You have a flexible attitude to what attracts you, and that is beautiful. You are brave enough to admit it and openly say that the shit that lives in my head turns you on and that is a fucking weird compliment but I will go out on a limb and say thank you. I am happy to be of service. You also think my seriously hot boyfriend is fuckable, and that makes me a little worried but because it is you I am not worried, but flattered. There will be no threesomes and no, Vilde cannot watch.

ISAK: But I secretly love that we all talk about these things.

EVA: I have enough dirty stuff on the two off you to get me off for weeks. So has Vilde. We are very very lucky girls.

MAGNUS: Does St Jonas of Bergen know that his wife is a kinky woman?

EVA: Yes. St Jonas the Well Hung does indeed. I am a lucky bitch me.

EVA: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH JENS. I AM DYING.

ISAK: Chill bitch.

MAGNUS: LOL. Stop being horrible. Give us the chapter Isak before I have to go and wank.

 

_Axel has well practiced breathing techniques that he knows to use in situations like this. He has been taught about self-control, calming your body and almost putting your fears in a box inside your head so you can use the rational parts of your brain to deal with the situation that will keep you safe and alive._

_There is nothing right now that Axel can do to calm the panic brewing in his chest. His hands shaking as he tips the envelope out over the rustic table. There are passports. An Id card in the name of Axel Sommerfeldt. Documents and paperwork and a battered wallet filled with cards. Cards that have been meticulously prepared to look scratched and aged. Marks on the magnetic strips filed down to look like they have had frequent use. The dates and names making Axel’s head spin._

_The clink off something heavy hitting the floor startles him to the point that he jumps, beads of sweat running down his forehead. It’s a heavy gold band, that feels hot to the touch in Axel’s palm. It’s polished and scratched to look worn enough not to be new, and he lets it twirl through his fingers. The inscription is clear on the inside._

_‘’Love you. Jens’’_

_Axel is not proud of the sound that comes out of his throat. The whine of desperation._

_There are 3 passports. Jens has not taken his passport. Nor Filip’s._

_He turns around, the passports still pressed to his chest, the ring dangling from his index finger._

_The box is still on the floor, a few bottles and boxes of ready mixed milk sitting on the bottom, sharing the space with a stack of baby clothes. There are more clothes neatly stacked on the sofa. Jeans and briefs still in their packet. A hoodie with some obscure words written on the front advertising a well-known sports brand. Normal clothes that normal people wear._

_His breath is calming down. Jens wouldn’t do this to him. Jens wouldn’t leave. Jens wouldn’t take Filip._

_There is a price on Filip’s head. Axel groans again. He hasn’t even asked. He should have pumped Jens on every piece of information he could have gotten out of him. Put all the pieces of the puzzle together so he could figure out how to best protect his son. He should have got everything he needed and placed a well-aimed kick at the back of Jens’ head, hard enough to put him into an unconscious mess for long enough that Axel and Filip would be permanently and untraceably gone._

_That would have been the smart sensible and intelligent move. Instead Axel had let himself be swept away in some idiotic cloud of smoochy love haze where he thought that maybe he had found something he hadn’t even realized that he had craved._

_Well that stops now. Fuck this. Fuck Fuck Fuck._

_He kicks the side of the table with his foot. Sets a poor innocent kitchen chair flying across the room. Turns around and grabs the hoodie. They can’t have gone far. An hour at the most. And they are walking, unless the fucker had a car stashed somewhere. Fuck Jens you devious bastard. Fuck. Fuck Fuck._

_‘’Morning baby!’’ Jens' voice rings out from behind him._

_‘’FUCK’’ Axel shouts,his heart beating out of his chest. ’’Don’t sneak up on me like that you bastard!''_

_‘’I…Filip is asleep. Tried to keep him that way’’ Jens looks almost tearful. Biting his lip, whilst his eyes are flickering to the upturned chair and the paperwork spread over the table. The passports in Axel’s hand. The ring between his fingers._

_‘’I thought….’’ Axel starts. ''Where the fuck have you been?''_

_He knows better. He needs to reign this shit in. He shou;d shout and scream and demand answers and get Jens to sit down so Axel can interrogate him to hell and back._

_''Took a walk so you could rest. Filip wouldn't stop screaming''_

_Axel should know better. He should take Filip and never let him go again. He should punch fucking Jens right between his fucking eyes that are piercing shit in Axel's chest. Fucking Jens and his plump lips and his hugs and his lovey dovey bullshit and his words that make Axel feel like he is floating. Fucking Jens._

_Instead he thows his arms around the man infront of him, squashing Filip’s little body between them and let’s a desperate whine escape from his mouth into the other man’s hair. Smelling of mountain air and salt and grass. Wood and Pine. A little bit of something that Axel can’t quite describe. A scent of Jens. Something that hit’s Axel like a hammer to his pounding head, the familiarity and feeling of relief washing over him._

_‘’I thought you had gone. It thought you had left me and it had all been a fucking shit game to you. Don’t fucking do it again. ‘’_

_Axel’s voice is almost a whisper. His fist dabbing firmly at Jens’ back. Filip squealing with the squashed space between their bodies._

_‘’Axel. I would never do that. I told you, I need you. Why the hell would I lie? I have been completely honest.’’_

_‘’I dont know that do I? Am I just supposed to believe everything that comes out of your mouth? You lied as soon as you walked through my door, how do I know that you are not lying right now? That you are not lying about everything and I will end up dead? Stupid and dead on the bottom of the fucking fjord because I trusted this dude who just came in and made me all mushy and in love with him. I don’t fucking believe you. I don’t know what to believe anymore.’’_

_‘’You have known me for a day and a bit and you are in love with me?’’ Jens smiles. He actually smiles. His eyes glittering as he takes Axel’s face between his hands._

_‘’I didn’t say that’’ Axel backtracks, jerking his face away from Jens' grip.‘’I didn’t say I was in love with you.’’_

_‘’Yes you did.’’ Jens says calmly. ‘’And you are right. I think I need to sit down and tell you the truth. You deserve it. You deserve to know the fucking mess we are in.’’_

_Axel let’s his body sink heavily down on the kitchen chair behind him. Gestures to Jens to take a seat opposite, the chair scratching against the floor as Jens sits, letting the babysling attatched to his chest fall open as he lifts Filip out and gently places him on the floor between them._

_‘’You need to start talking.’’ Axel says. His voice cold._

_‘’First I am going to put that ring on your finger. Because whatever happends you are stuck with me. You and me. Because I am yours, It says so on my ring.’’ Jens holds his finger up. A finger sporting an identical gold band. And Axel takes a wild guess what is engraved on the band on Jens’ finger. ‘_

_'’ Mine says ‘Love you. Axel.’  Like it says ''Love you. Jens'' on yours. And I am going to learn to love you. Like you are going to learn to love me. We have no other choice.’’_

_Jens pushes the gold band onto Axel’s hand. Pushing it all the way up to meet the thin skin between his fingers. His fingers that lace steadily into Jens’ grip._

'' _Every time you look at your hand remember why we are here, Why we are still alive. Because we have eachother. Because I will have your back, as you will have mine. ''_

_He looks up and his eyes are black. Sad and black. His expression blank as he starts to talk._

_‘’My real name was Fredrik Vinterhagen, and I died when I was 16 years old.’’_


	13. The man with a mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments and kudos and love. Thank you also for being patient and bearing with me. I am hoping to get a few more updates up this week, so sit tight! xxxxx

‘’How long have I slept?’’ Even looks like a deer caught in the headlights. A little terrified and ashamed.

‘’About 3 hours. You needed it. ‘’

‘’Fuck’’ he whispers letting his eyes fall back closed.

Even tries to get up, fighting Isak’s arms as he pulls him back down on his chest.

‘’Stay’’ Isak demands. ’’I have been texting with Tarek. He has closed up and everything is under control. He even wrote me a massive text with all the things I have to do tomorrow morning to get us up and started in case you need to rest. It’s chill. I am getting good at this.’’

Isak almost laughs. He will fuck up so badly if he has to run things tomorrow morning. He would make the worst bakery person in the history of bakery people if he has to do it on his own. But he will. Because Tarek asked him to. For Even. And Isak would probably try to move mountains if it would help Even. Even who is still staring at him like he can’t quite believe that Isak is here. Holding him firmly against his chest the way he has for the last couple of hours.

He still managed to get another chapter done and spellchecked and edited a little, even though he did it all with one finger whilst balancing his laptop against his knee. Because the option of getting up and not lying in bed with Even curled up against his chest was just unthinkable.

It didn’t matter that they just kissed. That they still have most of their clothes on. It doesn’t matter at all because having someone just lie against you, with all the body heat and heaviness against your skin, is probably the best feeling in the world. Isak thinks that even sex at this point might be totally overrated if you compare it to not being alone. To have someone to look after. Someone who will let you look after him the way Even does.

Because Even had looked exhausted by the time they had made it up the stairs to Isak’s front door, and Isak had almost had to drag him the last few steps onto the bed before he had collapsed in a whimpering heap on top of the covers. Apologizing for being weak and a burden, whilst Isak had shushed him and crawled on top of him in a needy mess of arms and legs.

‘’Sleep’’ he had demanded, and Even had not even fought him. Let him place little kisses all over his face, his fingers tangling in the matted mess of hair on his head.

He had slept. And Isak is calmer than he has been in years. Focused. Exhausted, but in a good way. It’s funny how having purpose in your life makes life easier to live. How having a little love surround you makes your footfall light. Isak smiles. He has smiled more in the last couple of days than he has ever done.

‘’You hardly know me, and you don’t have to put up with all of this crap.’’ Even sounds determined, even though his eyes are closed and his body is clinging to Isak.

‘’I do.’’ Isak replies.

‘’I might not be worth it. I’m not like everyone else.’’

Isak has to take a breath. He knows. He knows Even is not like everyone else, because no one else has ever made Isak feel as brave as Even does.

‘’I’m not like everyone else either. Nobody is. We are who we are.’’

‘’I’ve been stable for so long Isak. I thought I was managing so well. Then I braved up enough to talk to you and invite you over and it took less than an hour before I couldn’t cope with all the feelings in my head. Before I fucked everything up. You might think I’m just quirky and silly now, but when you get used to me you will get sick and tired of the way I function and you will walk away. I won’t blame you. People always walk away.‘’

‘’There is nothing wrong with you Even, there is something wrong with other people who don’t see what I see.’’

‘’You have to see it too Isak. You can’t ignore the fact that I am not normal.’’

‘’What do you see when you look at me?’’ Isak doesn’t quite believe he is being like this. Talking to Even like he doesn’t even care what comes out of his mouth. Words are just spilling out like he can’t stop his brain. He just speaks. Talks. Whilst Even just closes his eyes. Hides in the crook of Isak’s neck like a child.

‘’I see you and you scare me. You scare me because of what you make me feel, and I shouldn’t be feeling this much for someone I have just met.’’

Isak just lies there and let’s Even look at him. His face too close to Isak’s, so close that their noses just about touch.

‘’There is something in books that people call ‘’instalove’’.’’ He starts, letting his nose stroke the tip of Even’s. ‘’ People tend to hate stories where the characters just fall in love with a click of their fingers. Where there is some kind of weird unspoken connection and 5 minutes later the characters fall into bed and have mind-blowing sex….and stuff’’

Even’s soft laugh is making Isak brave again. Letting him grab the fingers that are resting lazily on his stomach, lifting them up to his mouth so he can kiss them.

‘’Do you think you and me are an ‘’instalove’’ cliché? Is that what you are saying?’’ Even’s fingers are back on Isak’s stomach. Playing lazily with the stained hem of the t-shirt he is wearing.

‘’I think we kind of are, and that is making me incredibly happy and massively terrified at the same time. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I can’t think of anything worse than not being right here next to you. It’s a little weird in my head but I love it. I love that you are here. That you let me be with you.’’

‘’I don’t let you be with me. I make you stay.’’ Even nuzzles into Isak’s neck again. His lips placing a tiny sweep of a kiss against his cheek. ‘’Just look at me, I’m clinging to you like a fucking monkey.’’

‘’And I am clinging to you right back.’’ Isak whispers.

 

It’s a while before they speak again. They just lie there, arms tight around eachother, heartbeat against heartbeat.

‘’I am going to take you home now. We both need a shower, and something to eat. Then I will snuggle up with you in bed and we can sleep. Is that OK?’’

Even let’s his head nod. Stroking his fingers against Isak’s hand.

‘’How do you know? How do you always seem to figure out what to do to make me feel better?’’

‘’I didn’t listen the first night at your place. I heard you but I didn’t listen. Tarek kind of explained a lot to me today and I think I understand a little better. I will try to listen to what you tell me and understand what you need from me. It was my fault that you got upset, you asked me to stay and I didn’t.’’

‘’Bullshit.’’ Even spits out and leans up on his elbow. ‘’I lost my shit and trashed my shop. I have no excuse. Zero. I just can’t get my temper under control sometimes and things seem so rational in my head when they are clearly not. I just can’t always control it. It wasn’t your fault. It was me. Being me. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. I’m just sorry you had to see it. ‘’

‘’I’m glad I got to see it. And it to say it doesn’t frighten me, or worry me that you are sometimes unwell, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to that. But we will deal with it. I promise. Because you are the most gorgeous human being I have ever met, and…’’ Isak has to stop. Swallow. Press his lips to Even’s lips.

‘’You smell really bad.’’ Even giggles. ‘’Like stale butter and custard and sweat and me.’’

‘’Running your bloody bakery is worse than doing a freaking workout.’’ Isak giggles. ‘’Sorry. I need a shower. You don’t smell too hot yourself. Mr Morning-breath.’’

For a second Even looks offended but his smile cracks and he pulls Isak into his chest.

‘’Let’s go home. Maybe shower and snuggle. Like you said.’’

‘’As long as I can come with you, and stay the night.  I’ve kind of figured out that I am a little addicted to you and to sleeping with you next to me like this. I want to sleep with you every single night from now on, holding on to you like this ‘’

‘’Come home with me then.’’ Even pleads, sealing his words with a kiss. ‘’Come home with me and never leave. Stay. Because I want you to, and because we can kind of have this ’’insta-love’’ thing with the wild hot mind-blowing sex that you promised. You said that is what happens in those books. I think you should prove it.’’

Isak just laughs.

’’I’ll prove it to you. Promise.’’

 

_’’Explain_ _.’’ Axel demands_ _._

_It’s hard not to go into full interrogation mode. He doesn’t feel stable, like he should be. He feels irrationally angry and emotional and confused and to be honest a little terrified about how little he knows about this man who sits on the chair in front of him. Jens looks defeated. His face drawn and blank as he continues to speak._

_‘’I grew up in a normal neighbourhood in a small flat with my mum and dad and my younger sister. Her name was Filippa. She was 7.’’_

_He looks up at Axel, questioning if he should carry on. If he is OK to still speak. It’s fragile this truce they are carrying between them. Like anything he says could break the bond they have both tried to forge. Because he appreciates more than anything the effort that Axel has put in to make this work. And Jens is grateful. He is more grateful than he can put into words right now that Axel hasn’t outright laughed in his face and rejected him. Told him to take a hike. Or even worse just put him out of his misery with a simple swing to the back of his neck. To be honest right now Jens would have welcomed it. It just feels like a constant uphill struggle right now. Like this was the worst idea in the history of worst ideas, when in reality he knows it was this or death. And right now, he is not entirely sure he chose the right option._

_‘’It was a Sunday afternoon and my Dad had insisted on a drive out for coffee in a field. He had this thing that on a Sunday you had to bring the fucking thermos flask out and whatever the weather we had to sit in a field and drink coffee. The coffee never stayed hot in the bloody flask and I hated it. I was 16, I kind of hated everything. ‘’_

_Jens takes another deep breath._

_‘’You don’t have to talk about this if it hurts.’’ Axel says softly._

_‘’I need to tell you. You need to know the truth.’’ Jens almost whispers._

_‘’OK. Go on.’’_

_‘’We went down this little side road into the forest, a place we had been to a million times before. Just a deserted dirt track leading down to a small clearing where there were some old logs we used to sit on. It was familiar. Homely. Except we never got there. ‘’ Jens breath is laboured. His hand flying up to rub his eyes as his voice strengthens. ‘’There were cars parked there. A few men standing around. And a body tied to a tree. I don’t remember much more before the glass on our windscreen shattered and things went dark. I had to see a therapist specializing in deep trauma memory loss to try to extract as much information as possible but I couldn’t help. I just don’t remember anything else apart from what I was told. My parents died instantly. My sister and I were removed by an undercover agent in the middle of the bloodshead. 14 people died in that field right in front of my eyes.’’_

_‘’The Sandvika Massaker’’. Axel lets his fingers scratch his face. He knows the story well. An undercover stint gone wrong, a planned execution and an innocent family caught up in a gangland war. ‘’But there were no survivors. The bodies were discovered days later by a dog walker?’’_

_‘’All lies fed to the media to serve a purpose. My fucking friends went to my funeral whilst I was locked up in a hospital in a place called Munkfors on the Swedish side and they wouldn’t let me see my sister. My parents were dead and I wanted to die too. Life was just too fucked up and I was all alone. I was angry. Axel, I was so fucking traumatized and nobody helped me. I kind of lost the plot for a while. ‘’_

_‘’There would have been people to help you? Why on earth wouldn’t they have kept you and your sister together?’’ Axel knows the answer, but his brain still asks. It's inhumane the things that he has done himself. The decisions he has sometimes made.  
_

_‘’To protect us. There were survivors. There were people who knew that my sister survived. She screamed enough for both of us when they dragged her away. There were still bullets flying through the air and I couldn’t move. I was too scared to move Axel. I let people take her and I have spent years living with that regret. I know she is still alive. I know where she is now. She is safe and has children and I would never jeopardize her sanity by showing up now years later. And anyway, I don’t exist anymore. Neither does she.’’_

_‘’How did you end up in the agency then?’’ Axel asks, bending down to pick up Filip from the floor. His little body snuffling comfortably against his chest, bringing him some kind of comfort in the midst of the anxieties trembling through his body._

_‘’I spent 2 years bouncing around foster care and institutions, trying to find somewhere where I didn’t feel the need to beat people up and cause trouble. I was officially in witness protection but I kept fucking up telling people my real name and then the police would turn up and whisk me off to another secure location. I just didn’t care. To be honest I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go home. I wanted my stuff back. I just wanted my life back. Instead I ended up with an agent who took me home and I pretty much trashed his apartment and tried to beat the shit out of him whilst he just sat there and told me that things would be ok. I thought it was fucked up at the time but the dude saved my life. He retired a few years back, moved to Thailand and started a new life. He sends me a postcard now and then. Retired my arse, I keep changing my identities and moving and I still get his bloody postcards. He still cares. Bastard.’’_

_Axel has to laugh. And Jens kind of smiles. A little._

_‘’I started my agency training at 18, and did my first solo mission at 21. I was the perfect candidate. I had no family, no emotions, and no fear. I wasn’t scared and to be honest I didn’t care if I lived or died. That was the truth. It was only years later that I grew a conscience. Officially I pushed around papers creating profiles for agent's ready for decommissioning. But in reality I spent years in deep ops. Mostly single purpose missions. Wet jobs. ‘’_

_Axel just nods. He knows full well the agents Jens speaks of. Simple humans that have very little connection with the real world. Shadows on the fringe of the agency. Codenamed and inhumane descriptions of ghost that rarely exist. No proof ever found of the missions. Just people and threats that are quietly declassified as no longer there._

_‘’What do I need to know?’’ Axel asks. He knows there will be names he will recognize. Stories he will have heard. Rumours they all hope are just that but that he knows in his head are probably true._

_‘’My mission last year was simple. Find the man known as Blue Eyes, identify him and eliminate him.’’_

_‘’Kristoffer Cezinando.’’ Axel mutters. He knows the name well. The reports were meticulously accurate, the locations perfectly mapped and the execution textbook._

_‘’I carried the mission, fulfilling the requirements. Except I didn’t kill him. He was taken out sitting right next to me on a bench in Genoa. We were in full sight of at least 10 people, in a lit-up area. I still don’t understand how It all happened, or how I survived, but I found out later he wasn’t the intended target. I was. I was able to hack his phone messages briefly before they were deleted.’’_

_‘’Why were you the target? Had you been exposed?’’_

_‘’At the time it didn’t make sense, but I know now that the agency needed me gone. Kristoffer Cezinando was a switch. Employed by the Agency but receptive to outside contracts if the price was right. The man was a fucking machine. Those fucking shots were no coincidence, because I was his target, and he was mine. A third agent was assigned to ensure we both carried out our assignments. At the time I didn’t understand it, I went back to base and filed my reports and picked up my next mission. The mission that was to be my last, I had already made my mind up on that. I didn’t trust anyone anymore; the agency is full of holes and moles and the mission I had been assigned would almost certainly end up with me in a body bag rather than the intended target.’’_

_‘’Who was your target?’’ Axel almost breathes out the words. He doesn’t really want to hear the rest of this story. It all feels a little bit close. A little bit too close to home._

_‘’My final assignment was very simple. My mission was to locate and eliminate Special Agent Evie Mohn.’’_


	14. The man who topped the life of Evie Mohn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, I went a bit overboard. 6000 words of pure wordvomit on a sunday evening. Oh well. Enjoy. And do I have to say the words? SMUT ALERT PEOPLE. You have been warned. 
> 
> The Nothingness is next on the list to update. I should have another chapter ready on tuesday, fingers xxed. 
> 
> Thank you again to those of you still reading, thank you for hanging in there. xxxx

 

 

EVA: I am so badass.

MAGNUS: Evie is awesome. So, Jens honestly thought he could take her out? Evie’s got skills. She would have crushed him.

ISAK: Who says Jens hasn’t got skills? Jens might have just taken her out and she wouldn’t even have known he was there.

MAGNUS: Your books are realistic Isak, that is why people like them. There would have been no ninja skills. Apart from Evie. Evie is allowed to have ninja skills. She did get the highest scores ever in the history of the academy, didn’t she? You know in book one when Axel and Evie apply for the police academy?

ISAK: Yeah. She’s awesome.

EVA: I am awesome. Evie is me. Let’s be honest here. Isak loves me and thinks I have skills.

MAGNUS: I am still pissed off that you are blanking Magne in this book. There has been like zero Magne action.

ISAK: Magne is recovering, I would be irresponsible sending him out in the field. I need him to walk again for his bi-curious adventure? Remember?

MAGNUS: My fans will miss me. Magne has a huge following, even when he is in a wheelchair. Did you know there are Insta accounts with fanart of Magne and Axel?

ISAK: I know, I don’t look at them. I don’t want to mess with the stories in my head.

MAGNUS: Wanker. They are your fans.

ISAK: I know and I also trust Sonja to manage my social media accounts. So should you.

MAGNUS: I am going to start my own fan account. Do a petition to bring Magne back. He can have a threesome with Axel and Jens. It is gay porn after all. We are kind of up to chapter fourteen and there has been no penetration. Get a grip Isak. ANAL is required. It’s hot.

EVA: I like a good BJ scene. Nobody has even properly come yet in this book. Isak. Seriously.

ISAK: OK. I will write smut. But give me a break, Axel and Jens barely know eachother.

MAGNUS: They can still bang. I know Axel wants to bang Jens. Badly. And. Yeah. Jens is so not straight. Fuck me. He is gayer than a gay gay. Or something. He needs to bang Axel. All that muscle and ink.

ISAK: You are losing it again Magnus. Go and wank.

EVA: I will text Vilde and warn her. She will probably whinge about you getting Magnus all hot and bothered Isak. She hates when you are writing because Magnus apparently becomes insatiable in bed.

MAGNUS: I am still here you know. And I am a beast in the bedroom, that is why my wife loves me. Me and my Medium sized cock. Size does matter. I can do things with my little friend that other people can’t.

ISAK: Thank you for sharing Magnus.

EVA: I love you and I am sure little Magnus is adequately sized for his purpose.

MAGNUS: Not called Little Magnus.

EVA: I know.

ISAK: I know too.

MAGNUS: Fuck off you two. I need to be able to talk about my sexlife with someone.

ISAK: I need to talk about your sexlife with someone too. LOL.

EVA: I am going to go and rub myself all over my godly man of a husband and beg him to do sinful things to me.

MAGNUS: Eva, you seriously need to write a book. Sins of the vicar- a romance by Eva Mohn Vasquez.

EVA: Ohh. I like that.

MAGNUS: I can start you off. ‘’Eva let the thin bra strap slip of her shoulder, exposing her pale flesh to the cool air of the stone clad room. Father Francesco let a deep sigh slip as he turned around to face her exposed breast. ‘’My dear, you need to cover yourself.’’ He panted. ‘’God help me woman, you mustn’t tempt me into sinful thought.’’

ISAK: Magnus. Seriously. Go wank.

EVA left the group chat.

MAGNUS added EVA to the group chat.

ISAK left the group chat.

MAGNUS added ISAK to the group chat.

 

_‘’She would never have let you get close enough. She wouldn’t.’’ Axel is sure. She wouldn’t have been stupid enough. She never was. Even in her worst state she would have been aware, and she would have been fiercely protective of Filip. She would never have put him in danger. His breathing is shallow, as he looks at Jens. Jens who is once again looking at Axel, his body tense with what Axel thinks is fear._

_‘’I didn’t take her. I never would have. She was pretty amazing. Ruthless, but amazing.’’_

_‘’You didn’t know Evie.’’ Axel snarls._

_‘’I did. I spent almost 6 months chasing her. Did you know that she still holds the record for the highest score ever achieved in the agency intake tests?’’_

_‘’Yeah. We both got rejected by the Police Academy. It almost killed her, after all the work she had put in. Then she got contacted by the agency and pretty much told to name her price. They were desperate for her, and a week later I had a phone call to come in for my interview. We both went through training together.’’_

_‘’I almost know your files by heart, remember? You were both ideal candidates. It said you were almost cold towards your fellow trainees, and didn’t make friends. You excelled in your physicals and sailed through the theoretical parts. Exemplary retainment of facts, borderline photographic memory and your weaponry skills were top grade. You failed long distance shots, as your vision wasn’t 100 percent.’’_

_‘’Neither was Evie’s. She wore glasses a lot of the time, still made a decent sniper. ‘’_

_‘’Evie Mohn had skills. She was on to me too, right from the start. I would find files, and they would pretty much disappear in front of my eyes. I had decided to make her an escape plan, to try to pull her out if I ever got close enough. She didn’t deserve to get eliminated, however much she knew. She was in so deep she would either sink or swim. Evie had chosen to sink, and she was sinking fast.’’_

_‘’She was deep in addiction. She was still Evie though. She never stopped being Evie.’’_

_‘’Axel, Evie was as clean as you and me. She was right on the ball.’’_

_‘’Evie was dismissed from the agency years ago Jens. She has been fighting the heroin for years.’’_

_‘’I thought you knew. I thought you were playing along to keep her safe.’’_

_‘’Jens she was unwell._ _I saw her. I saw the state of her. She was in no way a functioning agent. That is just bullshit.’’ Axel gets up and paces the small room. Filip tight against his shoulder._

_‘’She was deep undercover. Evie Mohn is a legend.’’_

_Axel just stares at him. His eyes almost black._

_''You know shit Jens.''_

_‘’Do you know who Jari Suomalainen is? The industry magnate?’’ Jens gets up. Then sits down again.‘’I have to start from somewhere else. It’s a complicated story. ‘’_

 

_‘’Of course, I know who Jammu Suomalainen is. He’s so deep in the underworld he should pretty much be buried by now. He has been out on contract too many times to still be alive.’’_

 

_Axel is frustrated. He knows Evie. Evie would never have betrayed him like this. Lied to his face. Besides she was a wreck. She would never have been able to complete even the simplest of missions._

_‘’He got himself set up in a child trafficking business. They specialized in getting young girls off the streets, cleaning them up enough to get the pregnant, then selling the babies. They wanted pretty white girls to produce highly valuable babies, and the girls were kept pretty much barefoot and pregnant, sedated enough to not be able to run away. Evie was the perfect candidate. It took her a while to integrate into the system enough to get picked up, but in the meantime, she carried trackers. She identified and tracked underaged kids on the streets, enabling the police to pick them up and remove them before they got too far into the shit that was going on. She saved lives Axel. Many many lives. Then she disappeared off the radar for a long time and was presumed dead until she contacted the agency 6 months ago. She was in Suomalainen’s facility near Helsinki, heavily pregnant and clean as a whistle. She needed out, and she feared desperately for the baby she was carrying. ‘’_

_‘’I am assuming the baby would be sold?’’ Axel can barely get the words out. He knows it would have killed Evie to lose the baby. She would have fought with everything she had had for this child. Yet she had given him up, without a backward glance._

_‘’This baby was special, because the kid Evie was carrying was Suomalainen’s own child. His wife couldn’t carry a baby to term, and he was desperate for an heir. He is an overconfident fucker, and uses his own sperm for a lot of the pregnancies. Keeping the race clean and all that shit he spouts. He had decided on Evie’s baby and she was kept secure at all times. She was given special treatment, and the baby would be removed from her at birth. She wouldn’t let it happen. Evie Mohn disappeared from the facility a month before her due date. All they found was a trail of blood. Suamalainen apparently went mental and there were contracts out for Evie’s head on a plate before dawn. With a massive cash bonus if the baby was delivered back to him alive. We are talking millions Axel. ‘’_

_‘’You made us ditch our guns Jens! What the hell were you thinking? ‘’ Axel almost shouts with frustration. ‘’Have you any idea how the hell we are going to keep this kid safe? Unarmed and fucking clueless out in the middle of nowhere? I haven’t even got a clue where we are!’’_

_‘’We are not unarmed.’’ Jens says quietly. ‘’We have a lot going for ourselves. We are untraced so far, and we have eachother.’’_

_‘’Yeah and when the next agency tracker finds us we shall just throw breast-milk-substitute cartons at them and tell him to piss off shall we?’’_

_‘’Chill Axel. You and the baby are stone cold dead as far as we know, and I crashed my car into a wall in Stavanger a month ago. I’m officially deceased. Again. ‘’_

_‘’It’s not funny. We all know how these things work.’’_

_‘’Everyone knows how these things work. What they don’t know is the truth. And if we play this smart they will never know what went down. Filip is our son. We have the birth certificate. He was born in Tromso hospital and his mother was our surrogate. It’s completely official on paper. She doesn’t physically exist but that is a completely different story. I have photos, scans and even the hospital tag. That was a bit tricky, but I found one in a bin outside the hospital on my first attempt. Lucky break. And I am a fucking whiz on creating fake tags now. It’s stupid but I want to cover every aspect of his life so there is no fucking doubt who he is. Our backstories are pretty watertight too. I have done this for a long time Axel. We can get away with this. I know we can. ‘’_

_‘’We should go abroad. Hide away somewhere really obscure.’’ Axel is still panicking on the inside. It is just too much. A little too much to bear._

_‘’That is what they will expect. Instead we are going to hide in plain sight. Start a new life in our new house with our baby. Right here in Norway, right under their noses. Fuck the agency. They can look all they want but we will be right here.’’_

_‘’I don’t like it.’’ Axel sighs. ‘’It’s a shit plan.’’_

_‘’We both have baggage. I want to be able to keep tabs on Filippa. I couldn’t live with myself if I cut her off even if she doesn’t know that I still exist. Your parents are taken care off, I paid off your Mother’s care bills for the next 20 years and your fathers retirement flat is paid off. I also added a generous amount to their personal accounts. Totally untraceable of course but Sonya will have a fit when she checks the agency accounts. I kind of helped myself to funds. Quite generously. Then backtracked the payments and filtered the accounts. Her head will be spinning for months trying to figure out what the hell happened. Not that she will, because there is nothing real there. Nothing to point at us or our families. Promise.’’_

_‘’What have you done Jens?’’ Axel is groaning. He can only imagine the trail of destruction Jens will have left behind. The missing funds will get investigated. They always are._

_‘’You are worrying about the money? Or about someone pointing a bullet to your head when you walk down the street? Because it’s not going to happen. You don’t exist anymore and no one knows where the hell we are.’’_

_‘’Jens we are an hours walk away from where you blew up the car. For all I know there are agents sitting in the trees outside this cabin waiting to plant bullets in our heads. Then you have embezzled agency funds and no doubt caused havoc in the agency software. Am I right?’’_

_‘’See? You already know how I work. The software will function normally for a few days before the virus kicks in. Then it will be full blown chaos for a few days until they all find the source of the attack, which is a high-school in Southern India. They will never figure out who the student is. Sonya will be having kittens. Seriously, she hates this shit, when there are things she cannot control.’’_

_‘’She’s like me. I hate being out of control. So, does Evie. Where is Evie Jens?’’_

_He tries to burrow his eyes into the cold blue staring back at him. Tries to force out the truth. Not that he knows what is right or wrong anymore because truth has just become a variable that he is struggling to understand. The world as he knows it is just a mess and this, right here, is too unstable to give him any kind of peace right now._

_‘’If I took a good guess, based on the fact that Mrs Anne Mette Mohn’s casket was definitely empty, along with some seriously doctored death certificates, and the absolute fact that Mr Jonah Vela Fernandez, last known residence Maracaibo, Venezuela, was reported missing from St Frances Mission 3 months ago, I would take a very very wild guess that you know exactly where Evie Mohn is. She is right where she needs to be. Safe. With her family.’’_

_There is a lump in Axel’s throat. A dull pain in his chest that he can’t quite control._

_‘’You know this for a fact?’’ he croaks out._

_‘’I am very good at my job Axel. Trust me. I have covered every aspect of the life of Evie Mohn. If she had wanted me to find her I would have, but she was already long gone. ‘’_

_‘’So why me? Why didn’t you just grab Filip and get the fucking money and be done with it? What the hell is in this for you? And don’t say the fucking crap about needing me and wanting me to look after you at night. That’s bullshit. You are not telling me something vital here.’’ The aggression in Axel’s voice is a little too much. The desperation shining through. Just give me something here. Something to make this make sense. Because right now nothing is real. Nothing is fine.  He squeezes Filip tighter to his chest. Tries to meet Jens eyes, which are of course right there. A hand placed gently on his cheek. Words being spoken that muddle in his ears._

_‘’Because living my life, being me, screaming into thin air every single night, is not a life worth living. If I am going to stay alive, and live the rest of my life on this earth, I need to make it count. I need to give back and make my life worth living. That means having someone with me to look after me when I can’t look after myself. I need a partner to love me when I fall so low that I can’t even begin to see my own worth. And I need someone to keep me safe from the outside world. I’m just like you. Do you see it now? I need you. Like you need me. Evie built up her support system for when she couldn’t be here anymore, she planned meticulously, taking out her people and moving them to safety ready for when she needed to disappear. I had no one. Neither do you. So, I chose you. I’m sorry if that was a mistake, but I think you know as well as me that this is what we need. You and me. Something to give us hope, to make us get up in the morning and not loose track of what is important. ‘’_

_‘’Nothing is important anymore’’ Axel sighs. He can’t even think straight right now._

_‘’You are. You and Filip are the only thing that is important right now. Everyone else is safe.’’_

_‘’We are no where near safe.’’ Axel sighs._

_‘’Then let me take you home. Let’s go to the place where we will be safe.’’_

_Axel doesn’t even fight it. He let’s himself stand there as Jens lips presses into his. Just softly, making Axel’s heartbeat slow down. His shoulders slowly sinking down from the tense stance he has been holding._

_‘’Ok’’ Axel whispers. He has no choice. There is no alternative left._

 

It’s funny how Isak seems to feel right at home, walking around the room with only a towel tied around his waist, his hair wet from the shower he has just helped himself to, and a paper cup of coffee he grabbed from the urns downstairs. It’s probably just about luke-warm, but he doesn’t seem to care. Just smiles at Even as he scurries past trying to tidy up the mess around them.

He hasn’t been on the ball for the last couple of days. The sheets from his bed are squashed in the laundry basket as he clumsily digs in the cupboard for some fresh ones. The kitchen is full of dirty glasses. The odd half eaten bread roll. An egg he tried to boil but gave up on before the water even came to the boil.

He hasn’t eaten properly for days. Not drunk enough water. He hasn’t looked after himself. Well, he hasn’t been well, and the fog around his vision is kind of lifting as he moves around the room, randomly kicking things under the sofa and trying to make his living space look half decent.

‘’You know it doesn’t matter. A little mess. You do realize I have seen it all before, and we can clean tomorrow. Right now, I need to eat and that lasagne in the oven smells divine.’’ Isak sneaks up behind him, letting his arm curl around his chest. His breath hot on Even’s neck.

‘’It’s cheap ready meal crap’’ Even replies, detangling himself from Isak’s grip so he can bend down to stretch the sheets out over the bare mattress. The t-shirt on his back riding up to show the curve of his spine. His slim hips. The freckles on his lower back where his boxers are riding low.

They eat in silence on the sofa, the TV churning low in front of them showing something neither of them is really taking in.

Even tries not to look. Tries hard not to stare at the naked chest next to him. The firm pecs and the skin with the blonde fuzz trailing down under the towel. He definitely shouldn’t be ogling the legs disappearing under the table or the bulge where his groin sits.

He tries. He chews and swallows the food on his plate without really tasting a thing.

‘’Can I turn it off? The Tv?’’ Isak says, placing his finished plate on the coffee table.

Even doesn’t even hesitate. Just aims the remote and silences the air. His breathing a little hitched. His eyes wide as he turns to Isak.

‘’Can we go and lie in bed?’’ His mouth blurts out. To say that Even is nervous is an understatement. It was different last night, when he was too exhausted to think. His brain too muddled up to really take in what he was asking. Because he knows he had begged. Clung to Isak like he was the last man on earth, and pretty much demanded to be held, to be touched and kissed and caressed. Now his thoughts are a little clearer, his mind more alert and fuck he wishes he was braver. He wishes he could just take control and do all those things you see in films. Just push Isak down into the mattress underneath him and devour him. Rip the clothes off his body and make him fall apart under his touch.

Not that Even knows where to start. All he knows is that lying down is better than sitting up because to be honest he is feeling a little faint. A little tense down below as all the blood in his body seems to be heading south.

‘’Come’’ Isak whispers, tugging at Even’s arms to get him to stand up. Well he stumbles. Stubs his toe on the table leg and makes Isak laugh out loud as he hops around holding his toe in his hand and the other in Isak’s as he clumsily lets himself be pulled onto the bed. His head falling heavily into the pillows underneath them. He is glad he changed the sheets, the smell of fresh linen hitting his nostrils as Isak’s body settles next to him.

‘’What do you want to do?’’ Isak asks softly. His fingers cupping Even’s chin. Small movements of fingertips against his skin, making him shiver. Weirdly shake under the weight of Isak’s body as he slowly straddles him on the bed. There are arms beside his head. Isak’s face hanging over his head. Dipping his mouth down to steal a kiss as Even pants uncontrollably. He is hard. Fuck he doesn’t usually get hard this quick but there is Isak and his damn towel rubbing seductively over his groin and he doesn’t really dare to look down but he is pretty sure there is nothing underneath. He is almost sure that if he let his hand move up just slightly under the terry cotton straddling him, he would find Isak in all his glory right there.

He doesn’t dare though. Doesn’t know where to start.

‘’We don’t have to do anything. Or we can do everything. Whatever you want.’’ Isak whispers and lets his lips glide smoothly over Even’s chin. Softy pressing against his lips, warm breath ghosting over his skin as he closes his eyes. It’s just too much to take in. Too much Isak. To many needs screaming to be met as he bucks his hips up begging for more friction. Just a bit more. A slow glide of skin over his straining boxers.

‘’I don’t know’’ he whimpers. ‘’I don’t know what I want.’’

‘’You can have me any way you want. I can suck you off, or just give you a hand job whilst I kiss you. I could probably come from just kissing you like this. Fuck you are so gorgeous Even. You are like all my dirty dreams come true at once. I love kissing you.’’

Even thinks he means it as well, sucking greedily on his lips, letting his tongue dip in and out of Isak’s mouth as their bodies grind lazily against eachother.

He wriggles out of his t-shirt, groaning gratefully as Isak rips it over his head. There is skin. Against skin. Chest against chest and heartbeat against heartbeat. He can feel it. His whole body pulsing under the weigh on top of him.

‘’I want you’’ Even whimpers.

‘’You can have me. Do you want to fuck me? ‘’ Isak doesn’t even sound shocked. Like he would. Like he would actually let Even do that. Take him and claim him and own him with his body.

‘’Is that something you do? You would let me?’’ It’s a little embarrassing how little Even knows about how to negotiate something as simple as sex. He’s not totally clueless. He has a Grindr profile that he has never dared to use. He reads though. Looks at the messages he gets and wonders if anyone would actually do that. Just turn up at someone’s house and get naked and dirty. Just like that. Like this. Another human with his mouth on him, kissing him to the point of desperation. Because Even could actually come from this. From Isak’s mouth. His hands. The little noises he is making. The moans and heavy breaths escaping from his mouth.

‘’You are drifting again, getting lost in your head.’’ Isak whispers. ‘’It’s ok. I’ve noticed you zone out sometimes.’’

‘’I was thinking of you. How you make me all hard and dizzy from just touching me. ‘’

‘’You can touch me too.’’ Isak says. Then he rips the towel away, leaving just their bodies. And Even’s poor excuse for boxers that are now sporting a wet stain at the front. And Even can’t stop looking. Because If Isak was beautiful before, he is magnificent naked.

Its impossible not to touch. To let his fingertips play, lazily stroking the head of Isak’s length. Soft warm skin under his fingers that make his mouth spill little moans with greed. His brain fill with desires to touch. Even taste. It’s not something Even thought he would be into. Using his mouth, but fuck right now he would be up for anything. And Isak smells so fucking good. All soft and clean and so distinctly safe and Isak and loved and it’s pretty impossible not to let his mouth latch on to all that skin in front of him. Kiss down Isak’s shoulders whilst his hand grips the smooth cock and pumps. Slow firm movements, just like he would do to himself.

Isak’s eyes are closed. His head hanging heavily, forehead pressing into Even’s shoulder as they dance. And there is the delicious slide of Even’s cock between Isak’s legs, a strange movement of bodies as they find a rhythm. A beat only the two of them can hear.

‘’Have you got lube? Condoms?’’ Isak’s voice is so strained he can barely get the words out.

‘’Yeah.’’ Even squeals as Isak’s thighs tighten around his erection. His hips jerking hard in-between the skin. Humping Isak’s legs like an animal in heat with lips pressed hard against his own and tongue and spit and the slick of his precome making a mess on Isak’s skin. Not that it matters. Because Even’s hand is wet, his fingers coated with fluid and then Isak sits up and Even has to smile. A little laughter spilling from his lips.

‘’You look wrecked’’ his mouth says before he can stop himself.

‘’You do that to me. You are going to totally destroy me. Fuck do you even realize how sexy you are? How amazing you look like this? Naked and flushed and beautiful underneath me? It's reassuring hearing Isak speak like that. His voice soft and sincere.

Even can only smile. Wriggle his hips until the damn boxers are flying across the room and Isak is digging in Even’s bedside drawer. Strips of tablets flying onto the floor along with tissues and pens and all the other crap that he really should clear out so he can find stuff. Like lube.

‘’Ha!’’ Isak smiles and rips the cellophane from the top of the tube. Triumphantly flicking the lid off, not even caring that he looks ridiculous. Hair all over the place with that gorgeous cock on display, angry and red jutting out from his body and Even can only lie there and watch in awe as he drizzles fluid on his hand.

‘’I just need to prep myself. It’s been a while since I bottomed.’’

‘’You will let me? You will let me inside you?’’

‘’Of course. I trust you. Just go slow and easy on me and it will be amazing. It’s tight, so you need to try to hold back so you don’t come straight away. You miss the really good bit if you come too early. The tightness and slide. It’s amazing.''

Even just whimpers. And Isak kisses him again. Leaning down to bruise his lips. Hard and needy as his hand disappears between his legs.

‘’Put some lube on your hand and stroke my cock.’’ Isak asks. His mind far away in bliss as he is barely there. Lips still nipping at Even’s. His nose in constant movement. Stroking. Prodding. Caressing the skin on his face with every part he can reach.

And Even moans. Loud and uninhibited as his slick hand grabs Isak’s cock. Strong jerks sliding up and down as his legs are moving on their own and his poor dick is screaming for attention down there. He can’t reach himself. He can’t reach Isak who is up on his knees, so far gone in his head that Even is not even getting kisses anymore.

‘’Come back. Need you’’ He almost shouts out, tugging at Isak’s arms. He will have anything at this point. A hand, a mouth a swift slick of skin.

‘’Roll over on top of me’’ Isak pants and Even moves. Crawls up in-between Isak’s legs as he hooks his knees over Even’s elbows, wriggling his hips until he finds the angle he needs.

‘’Condom baby’’ Isak whispers, letting his hand pump his dick, and fuck if it isn’t a sight to behold.

‘’Gonna come’’ Even whines. ‘’Can’t look at you like this and not come. So fucking sexy’’

‘’Don’t come. Don’t come until you are inside me. Please baby because that would be fucking premature and I need you inside me. I want you. I need this. Please’’ Isak doesn’t make much sense, thrashing around underneath him as Even clumsily rips open a condom. He hasn’t done this before either. Stupidly. He should have practiced. Figured this shit out. But Isak’s hand is right there, stretching and rolling the latex over his skin.

‘’Breathe baby. Go real slow. Push gently and just let me adjust.’’ Even hears the words. He kind of takes them in but he can’t. Too much. Too much Isak. Too much Isak’s eyes staring into his own as Isak’s hand is the one to guide him. Isak’s hands on his hips telling him to push. Isak’s voice that is calming every little nerve in his body as he rocks and jitters and trembles his way inside the man underneath him.

‘’Fuck Even I love you. You are freaking perfect. So tight. So perfect. So good. Just hold it there for a sec. Just let me feel you. Oh, Fuck Oh Even.’’

‘’I love you too’’ Even pants. He can’t say much more. Just swallow and try to remember to breathe and not to come. It’s fucking hard not to come. He is so close, just tethering on the edge. The knife edge of deliciousness between pleasure and pain and the fuzziness of his brain and the blackness behind his eyes and the promise of that heavenly feeling when the world just goes blank. When nothing matters.

‘’Move baby. Sweet Jesus. Please move Even’’

So, he does. He goes slow. Out a little, just testing the waters. Back in slowly, his body tingling with the pressure around him. The Warmth. The amazing man underneath him.

‘’Come down and kiss me’’ Isak begs. His eyes wet with emotion. His face flushed with arousal and need and… Even has to stop for a second before biting down on Isak’s lips. Because all he can feel is love. Love and trust and fuck this is bloody amazing.

His hips seem to just move on their own. His breath barely there, hitching out of his body along with the strangest sounds his body has ever produced. His head pressing hard against Isak’s forehead as he rocks and thrashes and shouts and screams and Isak just takes it. Whimpers and moans underneath him whist his fingernails dig into Even’s hips. His hands bruising his skin. Their lips crashing and barely hitting their mark in the frenzy of their movements. Isak's hand pumping his own cock in strained irrational movements.

It’s terrifying when he comes. The noise in his head strangling in it’s intensity. The voice bellowing out of his mouth definitely not his own. And Isak comes beneath him. He can feel it. The squirts of heat hitting his stomach and the fluid smearing over their skin as he collapses on top of the body underneath him. Isak still trembling with aftershocks, his legs shaking with exhaustion as they fall down to the side of his body.

He doesn’t want to let himself slide out of him. He wants to stay here forever. Inside. Warm and safe, and whole. He smiles at the thought of it. He feels whole. Like this is the little part of him that has been missing. The bolt to plug the hole in his brain that was haemorrhaging feelings into nowhere.

‘’Thank you’’ He whimpers into Isak’s mouth.

‘’I love you’’ Isak whispers back.

‘’Thank you for giving me this. For making this perfect.’’

‘’I can’t believe you haven’t done this before. You were beautiful. Amazing. Fuck Even, I have never come like that before. Never. ‘’

‘’Me neither. I didn’t think it would be like this.’’ Even can barely speak. It’s just. It’s.

‘’It’s perfect. This. Us. Isn’t it?’’ Isak looks unsure for a moment. Searching in Even’s eyes like he needs reassurance. That it wasn’t too much. That Even is OK. That he didn’t go too far.

‘’We are perfect.’’ Even sighs. ‘’We are fucking amazing.’’

 

 

 

 


	15. The man who got to love Even Bech Næsheim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me with the slow updates, I am hoping to get more regular, but work and real life is kind of slaying me on every front. Thank you for all your awesome comments, love and virtual hugs. I am crap at replying and I am sorry I am not better at reaching out to all of you but I appreciate every little love heart you send me. Thank you.

_They will need to stop and rest at some point, because Jens is becoming tired. Axel can tell from the way his feet are stumbling, loosing grip on the soft moss under their feet. The bag on his back is weighing him down, even thought it’s not heavy, only holding the set of clothes and the last of the milk cartons for Filip. He has worked hard. They both have, but he knows the effort it takes to fully clean up a space the size of the cabin, ensuring no fingerprints are left behind, no single strand of hair will be found that would point at their existence. Axel trusts Jens. He does. He worked meticulously from the walls down, wiping everything clean and removing any trace of anyone have used the space apart from the owners._

_Not that Axel’s fingerprints are on file anymore, he trusts Jens will have wiped any records that would have remained. His medical files should have been removed, along with his official papers. The real Axel Eirik Sværd would have been someone entirely different from the Axel who is climbing up the steep embankment carrying a screaming infant who is just as sick and tired of this trek as Axel is._

_‘’Jens, we need to slow down. Have a break.’’_

_‘’We’re running behind, time wise. I want to get to the car before 6, so we don’t stand out. Normal people would return to their cars and leave by that time. ‘’_

_‘’It’s just gone 5.30’’ Axel sighs. To be honest his feet ache in the shoes he is wearing, shoes not made for this kind of wilderness trek shit Jens has them doing. Not that Axel should complain, because if he had been the one to orchestrate this escape plan, he would have done the exact same thing. Zig Zagged them through the country in random patterns by different transportation until they were pretty much lost themselves. Not that Jens is lost, with his little electronic GPS tracker and compass. He’s just tired. They all are._

_‘’I need to change Filip and give him another milk. Then at least he will be quieter and not drive us mad with this constant whingeing. ‘’ Axel doesn’t mean to sound like he is complaining, but he would kind of give anything for a good hot espresso, a comfy chair and the remote control to a working TV right now._

_‘’There is food in the car, a change of clothes and once we move the car off the parking area we can go up a little side track and rest for a while. It’s a two-hour drive after that, then we are home.’’_

_Jens sounds almost as tired as Axel feels. He shuts his mouth though and follows quietly as Jens straddles the top of the hill, finally reaching flat ground as the path lays out in the dusky light in front of them._

_‘’Come’’ He says and reaches for Axel’s hand, pulling him the last couple of steps onto the gravel. He doesn’t let go. Just stands there and holds Axel’s hand in his as Axel lets himself breathe. Slowly bounce Filip against his chest to shush his quiet whimpers._

_‘’Thank you for not being a jerk about all this.’’ Jens says, looking sincere. ‘’I know I am not giving you much to go on, but once we are in the car I will be calmer.’’_

_‘’I know’’ Axel says. He doesn’t quite understand his body, like its some kind of instinct that has taken over. Almost like he has slipped back into one of his undercover personas. It’s just that this persona has no designated guide, no traits to learn. No role to play. He just has to figure out who this new Axel is. Axel the Dad, the Husband, and apparently a man who is tactile and cannot stop himself from reaching out and gripping the back of Jens’ neck. Leaning in and letting his forehead rest against the damp skin on Jens’ forehead._

_‘’I trust you’’ Axel says. Because he does. Jens has not given him any reason not to. Honestly._

_‘’Thank you’’ Jens whispers back. ‘’I trust you too.’’_

_He lets his hand rest heavily against Jens’ neck. Lets his thumb stroke the cheek. His lips leaning in to steal a kiss. It just feels right, like it is something he is supposed to do. Like his body needs the reassurance that he is OK. That despite the anger that has been silently brewing in his stomach all afternoon, the irrational jealousy and sadness of Evie, doing what Evie does, and leaving him behind, he needs to know that he is not alone. And Jens hands around his face, his lips kissing him back. It helps. It helps a little._

_‘’She would have taken you with her too, if she had had a choice.’’ Jens says. Like he can read his mind._

_‘’She had lots of chances to make things right. She could have at least said good bye.’’_

_It’s irrational. Stupid. Axel knows full well she couldn’t have. She would have trusted no one. Not even herself._

_‘’She gave you the one thing she knew she could never keep safe. She gave you her baby. She gave him up for you, because she knew that you would love him more than she could ever love him herself. That is what you have to remember. That is how much Evie loved you Axel. Don’t you fucking lose sight of that.’’_

_Despite the hardness of his sentence Jens’ voice is soft. His lips still against Axel’s mouth._

_‘’Yeah. She left me to sort out her mess. ‘’ Axel sniffles. He mustn’t cry. Shouldn’t. Fuck._

_‘’She left him with you so you would finally get your shit together and get out. You wouldn’t have lasted more than a few months before you would have been killed off Axel. You know you were living on borrowed time. Sonya knew. Even I knew you had to get deactivated quickly or face a bullet. Taking you with her would have been down right dangerous and I think you know that.’’_

_‘’Yeah.’’ Axel snuffles. Trying to steady his voice._

_‘’She loved you. And she let me go to you. She knew full well she was being followed the night she left Filip in your flat. She saw me, and she still went through with her drop. If she didn’t want me there I would have been dead before I even had a chance to wave a white flag Axel. Evie knew I was on your side, she must have known I was getting you out. She followed me the next day too and put a tracker on the car I was driving. I left it in an envelope on the doorstep to the basement she was staying at. Hoping she would get the gesture, that I was not a threat. Neither was she. I never saw her again. Yet here we are. ‘’_

_‘’She was always smart. Always one step ahead of the game.’’ Axel manages to croak out, whilst wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He is grateful for the dusk, hiding the wetness on his face. The emotions he can’t seem to hide. Not this time. It’s just a little bit overwhelming realizing that life as he knows it is gone forever._

_‘’Axel, would you do something for me?’’ Jens’ fingers are combing through his hair. Slow strokes of his skin._

_He only nods in response._

_‘’Would you kiss me like you mean it? Even If you don’t mean it, just kiss me. Properly. Not just these little presses of lips things, because that is nice but I need more. I just need to feel OK right now and I need to know what it’s like. Being loved by you, for real. If you get what I mean.’’_

_‘’You talk a load of shit Jens.’’ Axel almost laughs._

_‘’I know. I just need a hug. And a proper kiss. I need to know we are on the right track. That this could work.’’_

_‘’This will work.’’ Axel sighs. ‘’We will make this work. For you and for me and for Evie and for Filip. That is what we have to do.’’_

_‘’But do you think there is a chance that we could be more than just something we have to do? Do you think you could have feelings for me?’’ It’s almost sweet the way Jens is asking. Like he is suddenly stripped of all that cocky confidence, letting the soft part of him show._

_‘’You are straight, remember? And here you are asking for proper kisses and hoping that I will fall in love with you.’’ Axel snickers._

_‘’I don’t care, I like you. And if I am going to be married to you I want the whole package deal. Kisses and hugs and I will happily admit that after sleeping next to you last night, I am curious about the intimacy. Because I think I could fall in love with you. I think.’’_

_Axel doesn’t say it out loud, but he knows what he says back as he sucks Jens’ upper lip into his mouth. Prods with his tongue against the plump lips that are nipping at his own mouth, claiming him. It’s a revelation of sorts, how well they fit. How they find a rhythm and a beat to let their tongues dance to. How the warm breath against his face is comforting in so many ways, and how the long fingers and warm hands around his face are all he can think of. All he needs right now is right here, and it’s dizzying in the simple-ness of it all._

_‘’I think I could fall in love with you’’ he whispers. And there is no light left in the sky to fall on Jens’ face, but the smile he is giving Axel is bright enough to make it all make sense._

EVA: Oh fuck Isak.

ISAK: What

MAGNUS: You have got it bad dude.

EVA: Come on, there should have been a shootout at the cabin. This is just lame. You are letting them get away?

MAGNUS: No Eva. No guns. Axel should have fucked Jens against that kitchen table. I had the scene all set in my head.

EVA: Magnus. Seriously?

MAGNUS: We need the smut.

EVA: Agree. You need to ramp the smut up and have a shootout.

ISAK: I think this should be a softer story, they have already been shot at. And blown up their car.

EVA: There is room to blow up their car again.

MAGNUS: Could you have them bang and then get shot at whilst banging? That could be hot?

ISAK: That could be stupid Mags. And if they get injured they can’t bang.

MAGNUS: True. DAMN *pouts*

EVA: You are getting far too sensible Isak. And you have heart-eyes over Even, I can tell. Axel is all doe-eyed and in lurve already. I was expecting Jens to have to work harder at breaking him. Mr Big hard muscled tattooed chest thug-Axel.

ISAK: Axel is not hard. He has always had a soft side.

EVA: Bullshit. Axel was made of concrete. Until this Jens came along. I must admit, I like it.

ISAK: I like it too.

MAGNUS: Have you banged Even yet?

ISAK: Magnus!

EVA: Magnus!

EVA: Have you banged Even yet Isak?

ISAK left the GROUP CHAT

EVA added ISAK to the GROUP CHAT

 

‘’Isak’’ Even’s voice is soft and his mouth is too close. It’s kind of right in his face.

‘’Isak baby’’

‘’If it’s 3 in the morning and you are waking me up so we can go down and bake I might get really grumpy’’

Isak doesn’t mean it. Well he does. Kind of. Getting up at 3 in the morning is so not his jam. Even if it includes having frequent make out sessions with Even.

He reluctantly opens one eye, and of course. There he is. Even. Like he could forget.

‘’Hi’’ Even beams. Like he is made of sunshine.

‘’What time is it baby?’’ Isak clumsily reaches out to stroke Even’s cheek, blinking into the harsh light and completely missing his target, ending up with his thumb in Even’s mouth.

‘’It’s 6.30. Come down and have breakfast with me and Tarek before we open. Just put some clothes on first so Tarek doesn’t have an aneurysm from having to deal with your naked chest again. Not that there is anything wrong with your naked chest. I like it. A lot. I am kind of thinking of setting up a nudist bakery, where everyone has to be naked all the time. We would need pube nets, so there wouldn’t be pubes in the bread but otherwise I think the concept is exceptional.’’

‘’Even you are crazy.’’ Isak grins.

‘’I know. I even have it on paper. Signed by proper Doctors and stuff. I am not totally sane and I totally own that. ‘’ Even just laughs in Isak’s face and Isak can’t help it. He loves this man. How can he not? This totally wonderful smiling happy person in front of him.

‘’You are gorgeous. You know that? Right?’’ He whispers.

And Even nods. ‘’And I’m Sexy as fuck. You kept telling me last night.’’

Isak just swats his hands at him, trying to pull Even back down on the bed but he fails miserably and Even grabs a pair of sweats from the floor and hurls them at Isak.

‘’Clothes on, come downstairs and eat, then once we are open you can go back to bed if you want to. I just want a chance to have some time with you, drink some coffee whilst it’s fresh and feed you one of my fresh rye rolls with cheese. I even have sliced tomato to go on it. And there will be blackberry Danish pastries coming out of the oven in 10 minutes. Melt in the mouth crispy pastry with tart jam and vanilla custard swirled on top. Total temptation. Just like you.’’

‘’Do you always talk this much in the morning Even?’’ Isak grins as he lets his legs step into the sweatpants, laughing as Even pushes a clean t-shirt down over his head.

‘’Only when I am happy and excitable and have a gorgeous sexy man in my bed. And did I tell you? I got laid last night.’’ Evens laughter is making Isak’s stomach fizz like champagne. He just can’t help it, he is grinning like a silly person. He just can’t stop. Not with this perfect human specimen right there in front of him who pulls Isak in, letting him just crawl into his embrace, feeling the warmth of Even’s skin against his chest, the smells of vanilla and butter and flour hiding in his skin.  

‘’I got laid too’’ He whispers into Even’s mouth. ‘’It was amazing. Can we do it again?’’

‘’Absolutely. ‘’ Even whispers back. ‘’I can’t wait to do that again. And have you do it to me. I want to make you feel like that, make you come like I did last night. You were amazing. ‘’

‘’You were perfect. You made it perfect. Sex should be just like that, intimate and sweet and sexy and I woke up still feeling you inside me. It’s perfect.’’

‘’Sorry. If you are sore, I mean…’’ Even looks a little shocked and Isak has to laugh at the sincerity. The genuine concern in Even’s eyes.

‘’Every time I move today I will remember you fucking me, and that will make me happier than anything else in this world. Well apart from the fact that you are mine and that you will do that again. Fuck me. I hope. ‘’ Isak hopes he is not blushing. He’s genuinely crap at dirty talk. He’s good at it on paper, less so in reality.

‘’I want you to fuck me so I can feel you. I want to know what you are talking about. I want it all. And I want to rim you, taste your cum, and know what your face looks like when you orgasm and I want to know where your prostate is, and I want to ride you whilst you kiss me, fuck Isak, there is not enough porn in the world to describe all the things I want to do with you. ‘’

‘’We have all the time in the world Even. Because I am sticking around, and I am going to be here with you. Always. Now that I found you I am staying with you. I am never leaving again. We are going to be happy Even. You and me. ‘’

Isak is definitely blushing now. He is silly blushing, being an overemotional twat, word vomiting romance shit that he needs to remember to put in his book. Because that stuff right there is totally the shit that the chicks go mad over. Eva keeps telling him. Forever and Always and all that crap.

‘’You and me. You really think we can do that? Do you think you could put up with me? Forever?’’

‘’The way you made me come last night? Cuddling me, feeding me pastries and waking me up so I can have breakfast with you? Sleeping in your bed and wearing your clothes? Baby, you couldn’t make me leave you if even if you kicked me out. ‘’

‘’Not gonna kick you out.’’ Even mutters. But he is still smiling. Smiling and pressing little kisses on Isak’s lips. ‘’You are staying. I need you to help me roll multigrain loaves in a minute, and then you can write once the morning rush is over. It comes with the job description.’’

‘’What job description?’’ Isak giggles as he pulls a pair of Even’s socks on his feet.

‘’The job of being the man who loves Even Bech Næsheim. It’s a responsible job, the shifts are long and hard, and the payment is mostly in kind, or of the sexual nature, but the rewards are great. And it comes with the added benefits of having me as your boyfriend, and getting free pastries most of the time. ‘’

Even is doing that smile again. The one that lights up the room. The one that makes all Isak’s worries fade to nothing.

‘’When do I start?’’ He smiles.


	16. The men who we became.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading, commenting, kudosing, jodeling and being all round awesome human beings. *bows down in gratidude*.

It’s funny the difference a few hours sleep makes. Not that he should have needed a nap, but it’s one of the perks of being the boss, leaving your staff to handle the shop downstairs so you can throw your apron off for a little while and just lie down and be.

Because this is what Even needs right now. He knows he needs to get back into his carefully laid down little routine that he usually lives by, because he copes better when he knows exactly what to expect. Where his moods are stable and his medicine is taken on time and he eats well and looks after himself.

It’s just he wants to make a few little changes to his life. Add a few more little routines. And remember to just be.

Like the fact that Isak won’t go home. Not that Even wants him to leave, no, he is hoping that Isak will agree to do this, to live just like this. Spending the morning helping out downstairs then sneaking off with his coffee for a few hours, upstairs where he was quiet, curled up on the sofa with his laptop and a stern look of concentration on his face.

Even had checked on him a few times, just snuck up and stuck his face over the bannister to remind himself of how lucky he is. That he still has this man here, the man who says he wants this as much as Even wants what he is offering. Because Isak is offering him a whole new world and that is quite a frightening prospect in Even’s mind.

He was lost in thought earlier, cracking eggs into the metal bowl when it hit him that he had forgotten. That for a second Isak wasn’t occupying his entire thought process, and the sheer idea of that had him bumbling up the stairs, still with eggshells in his hands, so he could plant a sloppy kiss on Isak’s smiling mouth.

‘’You OK?’’ Isak had smiled at him.

‘’Yeah’’ Even had almost whispered back, his face full of awe. ‘’Just thought I had dreamed up this whole idea of you being up here and I just had to check you were still real. That I hadn’t just made you up in my head.’’

‘’I’m real. We’re real Even. You won’t get rid of me that easily.’’ Isak had smiled, pulling him down for a hug, letting the laptop slide onto the sofa whilst Even and his eggshells were balanced precariously on his lap.

‘’Will you have a nap with me later? Just an hour?’’ Even had begged, snuggling his face into Isak’s neck.

‘’Mmmm’’ Isak had replied. There hadn’t been much talking after that. Just sloppy kisses and hands under clothes and Even had had to stand with the chilling cabinets wide open for a little while downstairs to let his boner go down. Isak was a health hazard. Isak was dangerous. Isak was his.

That in itself is making Even feel all warm inside. Like he wants to tell someone, to share this little miracle of a human being who has just landed in his life and decided to stay, despite Even being all that Even is. He almost reaches for his phone and dials his mother, wondering if to tell her he will be bringing someone home for dinner. He could do that. He could bring Isak home for Sunday dinner. Sit quietly and eat his Mum’s posh food sipping a glass of wine. They would endure his father’s snarky questions. His mother’s nervous laugh, when he would easily tell her nerves were not due to trying to make a good impression on her new future son-in-law, but more her nauseating fear about what people would say.

‘’He brought a man home’’ Her friends would whisper excitedly over hushed phone calls. ‘’He always had to be the centre of attention, the middle boy. He will put his mother in an early grave with his reckless attention-seeking behaviour.’’

His mother would try. She would. But the thought of putting Isak in the middle of it all, to make him endure the hellish tension that his family would create over a simple meal, is making Even shiver and sweat. He won’t do that. He needs to keep Isak, and if Isak is going to stay Even needs to keep him safe, so Isak won’t run away screaming with fear over the fact that Even’s family is a fucked-up mess of lies. He needs to keep himself safe. Safe and sane and balanced and calm. Sleep and Eat and take his medicine. Not over think, not rush in, not step back. Just live. Breathe. Exist. Cope.

He says the words out loud. Breathes in and out leaning over the workbench, his hands gripping the surface. He doesn’t notice his knuckles turning white until Tarek touches his arm and points his finger towards the ceiling.

‘’Up Even. Take an hour or two.’’

‘’I need the routine Tarek. I can’t just keep doing this. Sleep in the afternoon when I need to sleep early tonight. ‘’

‘’You can do whatever you want Even. You can. And you have to remember that having Isak here takes a lot out of you. Not only did you have a bad week but you had a very good week too, so listen to your body. Rest. Enjoy this thing you have with Isak, because he is a good guy, and he needs to get to know how you work so he can look after you when you need him too. It’s no good that you hide all the things you need to do pretending that you are fine, when you are clearly not.’’

‘’I’m fine Tarek’’ Even huffs. ‘’You are acting like my pretend father again.’’

‘’I am your bloody pretend father. If I didn’t tell you to slow down you would crash and burn. We know how that ends babe.’’

‘’Yes…. _babe_ ’’ Even laughs. ‘’Thank you’’

He knows Tarek is right. He knows he is trying to show off to Isak, to be capable and successful and work hard and not acknowledge his weaknesses. Even is weak. He might as well own that too. That he tires easily, and that his mind makes his body feel like he has run a freaking marathon when he has barely moved.

He nods. Lets the man next to him grip his shoulder as he effortlessly moves out of the way, letting Tarek take over stacking the trays of rolls into the proving cabinets. He lets his feet climb the stairs, his body breaking down with every step.

He is tired. He is so very very tired.

It doesn’t take Isak more than a few seconds to react, standing up and dragging him over to the bed as soon as his foot reaches the top step. It’s nice not having to think. Not having to explain and make decisions and excuse the simple fact that he can barely function right now.

Instead he lets Isak take the lead, dragging him down on his shoulder and smoothing the duvet out over his back. Soft strokes of fingertips through his hair as there are words whispered that Even’s brain can’t even begin to take in.

He lets his body become Isak’s to hold. His mind become nothing as lips press against his forehead and a distant voice sings in his ears.

He let’s go. And life becomes a soft fuzz of darkness. A space where he is safe.

 

Until he finds himself lying here with a creak in his neck and a warm body breathing softly against his cheek. Feeling full of energy and in need of an outlet for the million ideas that are overwhelming his brain. Half of them fairly sensible, like that he should go and brush his teeth before kissing the living daylights out of Isak. Also, he should go and make them both a sandwich because he is starving and Isak didn’t eat anything earlier and there are rolls and cheese and cucumber downstairs, and jam. He likes jam and butter on fresh bread. Salt and tart sweetness against the crusty edges of the rolls fresh out of the oven.

The other half of his brain is trying to convince the sensible part of Even that blowing Isak right now would be a fantastic idea. Not that he has ever done that either, had another bloke’s cock in his mouth. He can imagine the taste though. Skin and salt and sweetness and scents.

He breathes in. Probably louder and harder than he should, but he just wants to taste it. Smell it. Let Isak overwhelm all his senses until Isak is all over him so he can’t do anything else than lie there and be. Be Isak’s.

 

_The car turning into the gravelled drive knocks Axel out of his restless sleep, drool running down his half open mouth and the back of his throat feeling like sandpaper._

_‘’This is the place’’ Jens says quietly, letting his foot ease off the pedal as the car moves up the incline towards the whitewashed wooden building nestled between mature trees at the edge of the city._

_‘’This is ours?’’ Axel mumbles. He can’t quite make his brain take in the scenery in front of them. It’s not quite dark yet, the evening sun still high on the horizon. But the light makes the scenery even more dramatic, sharp chiselled rock standing out between the neatly ploughed fields lining the drive, cows grazing gently in the paddock beyond what must be their garden._

_‘’It was owned by an elderly lady who had to sell to go into a nursing home. Her son has been very helpful arranging for the deliveries I sent to be taken inside for us. He also promised to leave some unwanted furniture behind. I told him we had lived in a small flat previously so didn’t have much to bring. ‘’ Jens sounds almost excited, looking up towards the second floor where a small window light has been left on._

_‘’It’s amazing’’ Axel can’t help sounding like an over excited child. He used to dream of having a garden. Outside space with a lawn he could run barefoot in, trees to climb and air to breathe. Instead he had lived in fear of the outside of his father’s imposed walls. The rules of how you should live._

_He almost shudders as the memories overwhelm him. He wants this. He wants this for Filip. A place to call home. A house that means safety. A space where you can relax and not have to consider if your next move will be the one that brings the rage down over your head._

_‘’You said we would live modestly, within the means of a family with a young baby and normal jobs’’ Axel stutters out._

_‘’Yes, only because you complained about us driving this fine example of a Skoda and not a Volvo 4-wheel drive. You have illusions of grandeur babe’’ Jens laughs._

_‘’ I thought you said you hacked us some funds’’ Axel winks._

_‘’I stole the Volvo we shot up earlier, I couldn’t find a second hand one that would fit our profile. Anyway, this is a great car, and doesn’t stand out. It fits us. We will be hard stretched after buying a house anyway and furnishing it. Besides, we are on paternity leave and one of us will have to start working shortly. Both preferably once we get Filip into a nursery. There is one over in Øversænga we need to look at, with great communications into the city.’’_

_Jens is almost slurring with tiredness, yet Axel can see the excitement, the adrenaline kicking in as he steps out of the car and moves around the house, checking for anything out of the ordinary. Trackers and cameras cleverly hidden in crevices. Footmarks in the damp grass. Disturbances in the neat flowerbeds that only a trained eye would notice._

_The location is good. Clear views of the surrounding areas and leafy shade and privacy from the trees. The silence is almost overwhelming, being used to the constant noise of Oslo to this. This is almost giving Axel a headache. But the house is like something out of a fairy-tale. Like something your grandparents would have owned with a veranda out the front. He can see it clearly already, comfortable wicker chairs placed under the sloping roof, Filip asleep inside whilst him and Jens enjoy a well-deserved beer at the end of a long day. The grass needing cutting and bickering about who should go in and check on dinner._

_He laughs at his own daydreams, and leaves Filip strapped in the car seat, unclipping the chair carefully so he can carry it inside without disturbing the infant. He will need another feed before they settle down but right now all Axel can think of is a shower and a chance to get these shoes of his feet._

_They had changed all their clothes once they reached the car, disposing everything they had worn into a charity collection bin an hour down the road. Both of them now wearing matching basic tracksuits and walking shoes, that are honestly chaffing every part of Axel’s already sore feet._

_‘’Found the keys’’ Jens hollers, dangling a set from his fingers. ‘’Just where this dude said he had left them. The guy lives over the Swedish side now so we will probably never see him, but he seems to have done good. Damn, look at all the boxes.’’_

_He has flicked on the light in the wide hallway, leading into an open plan living area covered with IKEA boxes stacked in neat piles._

_‘’Fuck me’’ Axel laughs. ‘’How much shit did you buy?’’_

_‘’I dunno’’ Jens sighs and runs his hands through his hair. ‘’I haven’t got a clue how to do this shit, so I just looked at the pictures on-line and ordered everything in the main category stock photos. One living room, one bedroom, one kids room and a kitchen. I have no idea if the shit will even fit, but it should look OK. It looked snazzy online, in those catalogue pictures. And the dude sitting on the sofa looked really tall so I thought that would do for us.’’_

_‘’You are fucking crazy man’’ Axel laughs. ‘’But you did good, I would probably have done the same thing myself.’’_

_He can’t help looking around, letting his eyes flicker like an overexcited puppy. The kitchen is almost antique, like something you would see in a movie, but Axel digs it, letting his fingers trace the painted cabinets. There is a room at the back which will make a fantastic office, big showy windows overlooking the garden._

_‘’This could be Filip’s playroom. Full of toys and beanbags and books. A place he can just chill out and play whilst we make dinner.’’ Jens says, whilst his eyes are glazed over._

_‘’You have this all planned out’’ Axel says softly. ‘’I was thinking an office. Big desk right here, so I could sit and watch Filip playing whilst working.’’_

_‘’You can have an office upstairs. Or we can extend the house. Or fuck. I can’t even think straight. BUT..’’ Jens let’s out a yawn and Axel can’t help smiling. He’s cute. He’s so fucking cute._

_‘’Jens, babe. Go and have a shower and I will go get that travel-cot thingy from the car and sort Filip out. ‘’_

_‘’You just want to get me naked.’’ Jens slurs and rubs his face, whilst Axel lets out a laugh._

_‘’You are not that irresistible, and I’m not that desperate’’ Axel snickers, sounding a bit like an idiot. Because that is a lie._

_‘’I don’t even know if we have a shower.’’ Jens almost stumbles out of the room leaving Axel standing there feeling like a twat._

_He still does it, gets stuck in bringing in the stuff from the car, neatly packed boxes of baby milk, bottles and he almost cheers at the food stuff Jens must have meticulously packed. Essential basics, and long-life milk, instant coffee, crispbread, and beers. Axel almost wants to cheer in relief._

_Filip barely wakes up as he strips him out of the clothes he has been in for the last 24 hours, changing his nappy and carefully washing the folds under his neck with tepid water from the tap. He smells fine. Like himself. Like he has scented Filip enough now that just the smell of his hair makes Axel's chest ache with a feeling he hasn’t felt in a very long time. Love. Unconditional and overwhelming._

_He unzips his jacket and wraps Filip up in the warmth, smelling of himself, hoping the jacket will be enough to keep him warm. They will have to get some blankets, proper bedding and sheets. Toys and a teddy. Make Filip feel like the child he should be. Wanted and loved and adored._

_‘’ I’ll carry his cot upstairs’’ Jens voice is soft, as he bends down letting his fingers sweep over the downy hair on Filip’s head. ‘’The mattress for our bed is upstairs, and I unwrapped the bedding. Can’t be bothered with sheets, as long as we can sleep on something soft and warm.’’_

_Axel just follows, letting his eyes take in the curve of Jens' back. The hips holding up the towel wrapped around his waist. The ease which he moves around the curved stairs, balancing the cot, as Axel tiptoes behind with their son asleep against his chest into a bare shell of a room. Smiling quietly as Jens talks that ridiculous baby chatter he does, whilst carefully tucking Filip up in something that looks like a mini sized sleeping bag._

_At least there are lamps left behind from the previous owners, and the wooden floors are clean, the bathroom still steamed up from Jens’ shower._

_It just feels natural, letting his clothes fall to the floor, the allure of hot water and soap too much to resist. He cracks the top of the beer can, not even bothering that it’s a little warm. That Jens arches an eyebrow as he stands there in a pair of underpants holding out the can towards him. Like this is normal. Like this is a thing. Like this is fine, this intimacy of taking a sip of a drink and handing it to your partner to share._

_It is though. He can tell from how Jens doesn’t take his eyes off him, even when taking the can to his lips. How His eyes are dark and his lips wet. The thin dusting of hair on his chest glistening in the soft light._

_It shouldn’t be this easy. There should be time. A period of getting to know eachother. A slow realization of falling in lust. Then maybe falling in love._

_Either that or a mutual agreement of filling the need, sharing time where you simply fulfil the carnal desires of the flesh or whatever that shit would be described as. Axel almost laughs at the messed-up thoughts brewing in his head whilst Jens is suddenly too close. He is right there._

_His lips are on Axel’s and it’s strange how they just move. How it’s Axels body slamming against Jens' chest, whilst it’s Jens who is moaning into his mouth. Jens whose arms are around his neck, fingers grasping at his skin._

_‘’Fuck you’’ Axel snarls whilst his lips are almost brutal in the force he is going at it. He shouldn’t do this. He didn’t even ask._

_‘’Fuck you yourself’’ Jens pants back. ‘’Do that again. Pushing me into the wall. ‘tis hot. Fuck.’’_

_Axel isn’t one to have to be asked twice. Not when Jens is practically climbing him and that towel is pooling around their feet and there is a globe of firm arse in his hand and a definite hard on happening on the straight dude he is pushing firmly into the wall. The straight dude who is practically snogging him halfway into coming in his pants._

_‘’I should shower’’ He pants out. Trying to push away from Jens, but the legs curling around his waist are like something out of Axel’s wet dreams. the whimpers coming out of his mouth as he feels the warmth of a cock pushing into his stomach, are just plain embarrassing, and if he thought that his desperation was a lie, well his cock is trying to escape his underwear and Jens is truly delicious._

_‘’We should slow down. You’ve never done this before and I don’t want to push you into doing something you are not ready for.’’ Axel starts, before he gets cut off by Jens’s mouth biting into his bottom lip._

_‘’You bastard, I want to get off. I need to get off. I’ve been walking around with this half-boner going on for days, and when I finally get to play with you, you want to slow down? I thought you were the gay dude? You’re supposed to be into all this.’’_

_Axel can’t help letting out a laugh. I mean Jens is adorable, all flustered and flushed and kissing like a bloody devil making him feel a little bit out of control. A little bit too turned on._

_‘’I’m so into this you wouldn’t believe.’’ He whispers. ‘’We need condoms. And lube and stuff and I will make you so gay you will doubt ever having looked at a woman. But if you want to get off, I will get you off baby, but it has to be you calling the shots. You sure you want this? ‘’_

_‘’Fuck yeah’’ Jens pants. ‘’I like this. I like you throwing me around against the walls. Fuck you smell good.’’_

_‘’I smell of you.’’ Axel grunts. ‘’And sweat and cars.’’_

_‘’Fucking sexy’’ Jens huffs, his tongue diving straight back down Axel's throat._

_‘’Gonna touch your cock now. Get you off’’ Axel is struggling to speak. Not only is he humping Jens’ groin, making the bathroom wall creak alarmingly under their weight, but he is pretty sure the sink he lifts Jens up against will fall off the wall once he gets going. Because Axel gets a little bit out of hand when he’s dialled up like this, when his cock feels like it’s about to unload in his pants, with only the pathetic friction of his waistband and the slide of skin through the fabric to help ease his arousal. He will probably come hands free if Jens doesn’t brave up and give him a helping hand. Seriously._

_‘’Can I touch you?’’ Jens whispers into his mouth._

_‘’Please’’ Axel almost cries out, his moans now more like howls. They are going to wake the baby._

_‘’We have no neighbours.’’ Jens teases out in huffed breaths. ‘’You can be louder. Make me hear you.’’_

_Axel doesn’t mind. He will happily oblige. Especially when his hand finds a thick full erection in his grip. A delicious uncut dick that makes him want to cry with happiness, in some fucked up relief of being the luckiest fucking bastard alive. He doesn’t deserve Jens, with his gorgeous face and quirky traits and cute little things he does. He doesn’t deserve this cock of perfection as well, his fingers taking it in, sliding the foreskin in firm jerks, circling his grip and making his fingers caress the head. He knows his way around cocks. He knows what feels good. And he whimpers, his mouth drooling saliva against Jens' cheek as Jens does his thing. A little tentative at first but fuck, Axel is thrusting into his grip, trying to find a rhythm for his own hand to follow as Jens’ body starts to shiver underneath the assault Axel is unleashing on him. Loud whimpers and unsteady breaths, with mottled words trying to escape between the hungry kisses they are sharing._

_‘’I’m so fucking gay it’s not even funny’’ Jens almost shouts out as Axel's fingers get coated with the first load of warmth, followed almost instantly by a second splash against his stomach._

_‘’You are mine’’ Axel roars as he follows, his orgasm almost blinding in it's intensity._

_‘’Fuck yeah, I’m yours.’’ Jens giggles against Axel’s chest whilst Axel’s cock is still spilling cum all over them, he just can’t stop. Not with Jens' breath hot on his skin and that hand slowly milking his balls clean. ‘’I wouldn’t do this shit with anyone else. Only you. You’re ridiculously sexy. Never thought I’d say that about a man. I remember thinking that the first time I saw you. I followed you around for a few hours, thinking, that man is beautiful.’’_

_‘’You stalked me?’’ Axel would have pushed off Jens, if he had the strength. If he wasn’t so high on sex and so ridiculously happily snuggled into the warmth of Jens’ body._

_‘’Of course. I had to figure you out. I needed to know who you were, so I could work out who you would become.’’ Jens is barely getting the words out, his body getting heavier and heavier against Axel’s chest._

_‘’And who have I become?’’ Axel asks. It’s an obvious question. He doesn’t expect an answer though, as he half carries, half drags the man in his arms over to the white pristine mattress on the floor, falling clumsily onto the fabric without a care in the world. There are lights on. They probably haven’t even locked the front door. The car keys somewhere in the kitchen and that meagre envelope containing what is now their life is probably still somewhere in the boot of their crap car._

_Right now, Axel revels in being careless. Sinks into the soft mattress almost giddy in the fact that he isn’t frightened anymore. That life as he knows it is over, and this, right here is the beginning of something new. Something good and precious and for the first time in forever he smiles at the thought, that this is exciting. Life could be good. Life could be very very good._

_‘’Who have you become?’’ Jens slurs. ‘’You have become you. The man I have fallen in love with.’’_

__


	17. Message from Author!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't get too excited, just wanted to say....

I haven't abandoned you!! Promise! I have just got completely carried away with Open Water and I will come back to Infinity and finish this off shortly because there is so much more to come. Promise. Sit tight and bear with me in my Max Matteo Even and Isak Universe. Come hang out. It's cool. There is chocolate. Hint hint.) 

Thank you for bearing with me and see you soon! xxx


	18. NOT A CHAPTER< just an update!

Dear all, This is not a chapter, sorry, but I just wanted to let you know that INFINITY will return in 2019, I promise!!! The last part of 2018 has been ridiculous, I have barely been able to keep my head above water with everything, and reworking Little Harbour had to take priority as I chased deadlines with editors, artists and designers. (I have the BEST team, #keepingitintheSKAMily.) I hope you are enjoying Hele Norge Baker (which is NOT a baking fic at all, really, honestly.) And I have two new ridiculous fic ideas bouncing around in my head, so hopefully 2019 will be full of fun! And you are getting a tiny Jotteo fic for the Big Bang. Because hello!! Someone has to get Jonas AND Matteo to bang before we get German Even. 

So please don't despair, I will write a recap before publishing the next chapter so we can all catch up and you will get your HEA for everyone in this mess of a story. I also apologize for stealing the Jens and Axel Sommerfeldt names for Little Harbour, because I freaking adore this fic and loved those names. So thank you for bearing with me, I'm sorry to have abandoned this fic for so long but things got a little crazy, and as you know, I always start too many stories, but I DO ALWAYS FINISH THEM. Eventually.....

All the love, always S


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